DEATHS:
The John Redmond Memorial Phone Box where the Irish Parliamentary Party and Progressive Democrats held their historic final post election meetings, venue for today’s Fairtrade Eco-sensitive, dolphin-friendly wake for “The Green Party”. Family only. No lentils. Charitable donations to the Home For Bewildered Ex Dublin Mid-West TDs
Green Party Chairman Dan Boyle, who owns the Twitter, today intimated that the Greens are “Leaning Towards” the policy of a quicker wind down of Anglo Irish “Bank”. Up to now the Greens have pursued a strict policy of “Teetering Towards” the government policy of keeping Anglo going at any cost whatsoever. However over the summer it is known that senior Green Party members openly discussed adopting a policy of either “Wavering” or “Wobbling”.
There are unconfirmed reports that an associate of Mr. Boyle’s was heard at a meeting of wind enthusiasts claiming that in the last analysis the party might even adopt a policy of “Jumping Up And Down Three Times, Yipping Like A Poodle With A Chili Up Its Ass And Falling Accidentally Over The Edge Into The Abyss” unless government policy is amended at the upcoming meeting of the GreeFF cabinet.
In a statement Mr. Boyle said:
“It has always been the policy of the Green Party, and we have a proud and demonstrable record of this in not just one but many areas at …”
At which point the Green Chairman ran out of characters, shrugged, held up a placard reading “#biteme” and wandered off.
Senator Mary O’Rourke pictured this morning just before Dr Phil came on
SENATOR IVOR Callely has brought “shame and dithgrathe” on Fianna Fáil and should be expelled from the party, according to long-serving TD and former minister Mary O’Rourke who went on to denounce scorpions for being “poithonouth” and Dublin’s beloved Spire for being “pointy”.
Mr Callely claimed almost €3,000 from the Oireachtas for the purchase of mobile phones and related services from Alexander Graham Bell a person whom the Companies Registration Office records show had ceased existing.
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Dan Boyle – zany
Loveable roly poly ‘Green Party’ funnyman Dan (off the) Boyle has been tipped to headline at next month’s 12th annual Perpetual Bulshitt Comedy Festival in Dublin bringing his zany mix of policy kites and his impression of an opponent to coalition bank schemes.
Other familiar faces on the bill for the long running farce-fest are top clowns Cowen & Lenihan, and the ditzy star of the hit sit-com Oh Tainiste! Swearymary Coughlan. There are animal acts for the younger members of the audience, chiefly the charmingly hapless Green Monkey Troupe and the incredible Limerick caterpillar which has a Willie O’Dea stuck to it’s arse.
Audiences can expect a wide variety of up and coming open mike acts, some of whom like young hopeful Enda Kenny hope to hit the big time soon, but feel hampered by a lack of real stage experience. “The thing is, I don’t really do jokes per se” the red cheeked flaxen haired wannabe told us – “I’m far more observational. Its because…I….get to watch….a lot” he concluded before sobbing gently into a nearby Bruton.
The Perpetual Bulshitt Comedy Festival kicks off on Sept 16th with a special performance of Cirque Nama‘s €90billion presentation of a freeform theatre sports improv entitled Who’s Bank Is Screwing Who Now?. Tickets are mandatory and are priced from €26,000 per man, woman and child.
Enda Kenny – “Us young stand-ups
just aren’t getting the gigs“
Headliner the Limerick caterpillar with a Willie O’Dea stuck to it’s arse pictured taking a break from it’s act – “Jesus lads, ’tis bad enough wearing that gobshite when I’m working is a complete pain in me hoop widout doin it on me day off like”
