The Class Of Inbred Gobshite Always Running For The Dail – GE2011 Update (Broadcast on 4fm 16.02.2011)

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

This song was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 16th 2011. It’s a new recording and the lyrics are updated for the General election 2011 from the original version elsewhere on this site. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.





Is Pressure Getting To Cowen?

Friday, January 21st, 2011

The acting Taoiseach photographed leaving Leinster House after the longest day of his political life showing signs that he may be close to snapping.

Acting Taoiseach Assumes New Duties As Minister For Foreign Health

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

Frontline medical staff at Dublin’s Mater Hospital react to news of Mary Harney’s resignation as Health Minister earlier this evening

It’s the day we thought would never come – Mary Harney, former PD leader, domineering cash sponge and holder of the title Mighty Jabba the Health since 2004 has resigned her position at cabinet citing her retirement from electoral politics after the next election as reason.

This follows the resignation yesterday of Corkonian lightweight leadership challenger Mehole Martin from the position of Minister for Foriegn Affairs.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has assumed both newly vacant portfolios under the new conflated title Acting Taoiseach and Minister for Foreign Health which should reassure our friends in the IMF and ECB.

Ms Harney will be able to use her retirement to spend more of her time with our money.

Scientists looking for a cure for the HSE have been heartened by the self eradication of the Harney virus which has been linked to the wholesale destruction of the health service.

Labour In Dramatic 3pm Announcement

Friday, January 14th, 2011

Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore demonstrating his girl like catching abilities at his press conference moments ago

Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore has just given a dramatic press conference to dispel suspicions that there really isn’t much difference between the three main parties on economic policy when it comes to bending over and taking it from the ECB/IMF – he also took the opportunity to prove how different he is from acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

“Labour are pressing forward. Labour wants change. I am as unlike Mr Cowen as can be. I wish to reassure voters that I will be a completely different animal to him in government. There will be no favours for vested interests granted or sought on a golf course or any other field of play by me or under my watch. Sure I haven’t a coordinated bone in my body. I catch like a girl and swing like a wasp. There’ll be no sport when I’m in. Oh no”.

“Labour are thrusting. We are going to hold all the cards after the next election. Let the voters make up their minds and not be told about Dáil arithmetic – Labour will triumph”

Asked by reporters how the voting public could be differentiate him from, say Enda Kenny, Mr Gilmore was forthright. “You will be able to tell us apart easily. I will be in the Tánaiste’s office”.

STOP PRESS! Acting Taoiseach Denies Earlier Denial

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

Answering questions from Sinn Fein’s Keeeeveeen Oh Kwaaaaylawn as to who else was at the dinner table in Druids Glen on the evening of his fateful three ball, Brian Cowen has denied any knowledge of “Your ‘Earth game’ of golf”.

He also denied requiring food, but did say that he was a contestant on Come Dine With Me that week and said “It could have been that. Who can tell? You? Can you? I can’t going forward. Refute refute refutey fute fute. Now shag off, I’m off to get royally congested”

Verb To “Cowen” Makes Lexicon

Monday, January 10th, 2011

From the pages of the forthcoming edition of the Oxford English Dictionary The Emergency is pleased to reveal a new word – and it’s Irish!

Cowen [v.] pron:kOW-N
To make an utter hash of; hollow blustering; (to pull a) Cowen; incapacity to tell actual truth; a national ‘facepalm’;

to fuck up royally; to protect one’s cronies; the act of soaking money in kerosene before storing it intentionally in a blast furnace; to waffle, to drone;
[n.](slang) derogatory term similar to cunt

From Golf Balls…To None

Monday, January 10th, 2011


JOHN GORMLEY’S BALLS: Last seen up a lamp post in Ranelagh

Gardai are appealing to members of the general public following the disappearance (complete absence) of John Gormley’s testes. The missing nads are part of a haul of missing stones belonging to several members of the Green Party.

Party spokesfool Senator Dan Boyle has pointed out that an absence of rocks shouldn’t affect the party overmuch, indicating that while many Greens lack balls, there are still enough complete pricks to keep them going.

Paul Gogarty was unavailable for comment.

Bond Surge? What Bond Surge?

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

Tough decisions, going forward – stay the course; the plan is working and has the backing of the markets (form an orderly queue to the mailboat…)

Delivery For Acting Taoiseach Blocks Kildare Street

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

LATEST PICTURE : The truck blocking the Kildare St gate of Leinster House this morning

City centre traffic is disrupted this morning following an incident on Kildare St involving a delivery for the acting Taoiseach and the gates of the Dáil.

The truck is in the process of being moved. The incident is not expected to delay the coalition’s plan to continue shoveling our grandchildren’s future into ‘the markets’.

Acting Taoiseach Pledges 300,000 Empty Glasses Over 5 Years

Tuesday, September 28th, 2010

(is this the pic where he’s pissed? its the one they ran on Leno isn’t it? I can’t tell the difference – ah sure run it anyway)

Acting Taoisozzled Brian Cowen has told Fianna Fail’s press service RTE that he is embarking on a brave plan to create 300,000 empty glasses over the next five years – he will do this round the clock every day excluding the Friday before Easter which is traditionally a ‘dry day’ known in the catholic calendar as ‘Croke Park’.

Opposition spokesmen took time off squabbling with eachother to point out that the Acting Taoiseach’s plans are flawed. They say that even if he does manage to down 164 pints a day he hasn’t allowed for recovery time and scheduled media appearances – factoring this in it will take him at least six and a half years to reach his proposed goal.