Vincent Browne photographed by the Earl of Carnarvon in 1922

Has the curse of Vincent Browne claimed another victim? Well, frankly yes if our headline is anything to go by – and if its good enough for the Irish Daily Mail, then by crackey its good enough for us.

First came the demise of the Earl of Carnarvon and ultimately Howard Carter who were interviewed into a maddening frenzy which claimed the careers and lives of the two men shortly after they discovered the veteran journalist in 1922.

Then much later, after laying apparently dormant he claimed the career of Fine Gael’s Richard Bruton; a baking enthusiast and part time politician who had stumbled into the Vincent’s lair by invitation – the cruel Vincent exposed him and his girlish giggle which terrified him when he watched himself back on YouTube the following day. So much so that even Edna Kenny (mrs) could take him in a heave.

Then recently came the turn of Conor Lenihan….actually no… The Vincent can’t really be blamed for that one.

AND NOW! The Vincent’s latest victim – Joan Burton of the Labour Party who was mesmerised into pulling an uncharacteristic freaker as she attacked Joe Higgins, a Socialist of no fixed parliament who she exposed as a Socialist MEP, even conferring upon him the title “Your MEPness”. Fine Gael deputy Simon Coveney who was also in the studio told reporters after the frenzy of his shock. “Eemmmmmmm…uuuuuum…..well …..ehhhhh” he said, clearly boring all within earshot to torpor.

Following the episode, which trended internationally on Twitter, several Fianna Fail and Fine Gael MEPs have begun lobbying Commission President Barroso to find out why they don’t have the title “Your MEPness” when someone as clearly anti EU as Higgins has.

Mr Barroso is setting up a two year commission inquiry to tell them why.

Conor Lenii San is a Kamikaze for Dublin South West and Minister for The Unknown, Terrible Machinery & Desire – he writes this column for The Emergency in a secure unit using nothing sharp

The events at the Imperial Leinster Palace yesterday have rocked Fia’nna Fail to the core.

Honourable warrior colleagues took time off defence of the glory of our endeavour and walked around the Da’il in a shellshocked condition, as if a bomb had gone off.

The setting of the invasion of Pinko Harbour date for March 11 was perhaps incidental in most warriors’ minds.

The circumstances and nature of the breakdown of the glorious Empire are the source of fury to my colleagues.

Many warriors wandered bewildered around the Imperial Leinster Palace wondering what had got into Emperor Biffohito’s head.

The Emperor’s effort to execute a belated Cabinet reshuffle in spite of the Green monks’ utter opposition has effectively wrecked Fia’nna Fail — the war hasn’t even started and the party is in surrender.

And whatever about the party, the damage to the Empire’s reputation abroad has been immense.

Whether Fia’nna Fail warriors like it or not, the Emperorship issue has been reopened.

There is no avoiding the issue now.

There is little point blaming the Green Monks for these events. The buck stops with Emperor Biffohito .

You cannot run roughshod over your colleagues, and it is beyond belief that the Emperor would attempt to do so.

If Fia’nna Fail does not solve the Biffohito issue quickly then the disintegration and disappearance of the party is inevitable.

It is also possible that, if Biffohito does not commit hari kiri, there will be a series of splits in the party.

And on top of that, it’s also possible that individual warriors will desert and run as kamikaze.

The unthinkable has already occurred. It is not beyond the realms of the imagination that some may consider establishing a new party called New Fia’nna Fail.

Biffohito has not a shred of credibility left.

Respect for the office of Emperor has been shattered.

The behaviour of Biffohito is a kick in the face for the voluntary activists who pound the pavements for the party year in and year out. For the first time in my life I felt angry and utterly ashamed of the leadership of our party. Biffohito has done a catastrophic disservice to politics. On his own. None of the rest us were there. Or Involved in the least tiny little bit. Ever. All those photos of us in the Dá’il chamber are forgeries.

The damage will be felt by all parties, as ordinary party activists try to persuade voters to even bother going out to vote at all.

Government Science Supremo Conor Lenihan has admitted that the resignation of Jim McDaid “makes the sums hard” for the government.

The minister seemed confused at first when called for a response to the McDaid resignation early this morning. But he soon recovered when a government spokesminion reversed the orientation of the phone. “Obviously when you take away one from a number the number you have left will be less, but that doesn’t mean anything. Not to me at any rate”, he said, outlining the situation with characteristic incisiveness, and continuing: “The government will have to be careful of course, there’s no doubt about that. Flip, no! Latest research shows that if you keep subtracting the smaller numbery things from the bigger numbery things then the bigger numbery things get smaller and smaller like a little mouse shrinking and in the end you might have one of those no numbery things. And I don’t think we like those”.

Conor Lenihan With His Abacus

McDaid’s resignation brings to four the total number of Dáil seats now vacant. but Mr. Lenihan seemend unconcerned. “Even without using my thumbs I myself can cope with twice that,” he explained scientifically. The minister also sought to paint a positive picture from the government’s point of view, saying that by not holding bye-elections and by simply waiting for people to keel over, Fianna Fáil were bringing forward reform of the numbers in Dáil in a “real world” way.

A supermarket chain has withdrawn a Christmas card and apologised to traumatised people with red hair following complaints from a mother. The card (pictured below) depicts a Conor Lenihan sitting on a Santa’s knee and bears the legend “Santa Loves All Children… Even Conor”.

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It is a truth universally acknowledged that a solitary outpost planet-nation in possession of a large need of innovation must be in want of a gloriously overqualified Junior Minister for that sector.

The beautiful and all-knowing Con-or Jor-El Leni-han

Luckily, that is exactly what said planet-island has been given, in the form of polymath Con-or Jor-El Leni-han the younger.

Insubordinate space journalist Adrian Weckler, a writer with pitiful Earth journal The Sunday Business Post, learned this harsh fact- plus a sense of burning and everlasting personal shame- when he dared to question, on the printed page, the merits of allowing such an important post as Junior Minister for science, technology, innovation and natural resources to fall to the glorious stewardship of all-knowing Jor-El. The reply was swift and just.

‘I am probably the best qualified around here for this post. If you’d researched it, you’d know I was a journalist. And I worked with Moff Tarkin O’Brien for 10 Earth years. I know about technology,’ said Con-or Jor-El serenely to the vexatious journalist. He did not speak these words, of course, but used a crystal lattice communications device far beyond the science of Earth to fragment his thought density to a level understandable by meagre human ‘intelligence’.
The incensed human Weckler, however, pointlessly kept repeating over and over again ‘I don’t see how that qualifies someone to be a technology boss.’
Leni-han, whose understanding was gained over millennia of learning in the powerful Leni-han Academy, felt no need to justify his appointment to an Earth termite, whose pitiful concerns with science, technology, innovation and natural resources all centered around the desperate desire to create a ‘sustainable economy’ and ‘jobs’ for other Earth termites, all of whom would ultimately die in any case.

‘What are your views on issues that a law-making executive should be aware of, such as fibre-to-the-home and next generation mobile standards. Do you have views on these things?” persisted the termite
‘Yes of course I have views on these pitifully outdated technologies,’ replied Jor-El serenely.
‘What are they?’ shrieked the Earthlet.
‘When I settle into the brief, maybe I’ll come back to you with those views,’ thought-transferred Jor-El.
‘But why not tell me now?’ whined the virus.
‘I’m not answerable to you. I do have views,’ said Jor-El, crushingly.
But what are your views?”
‘I’m not answerable to you, Earth sock-puppet. I may or may or may not come back to you with my views.’

Jor-El did not need to exert any of his incalculable strength to crush this feeble foe. Mere superior reason was sufficient. The Elders hope that in time, Earth’s ultimately unimportant food chain will come to realise what a treasure has been given to them in the form of Jor-El Leni-han, Junior Minister for for science, technology, innovation, natural resources and wind instruments. But they probably won’t.