Burton Denies Shambles Is A Shambles

Thursday, February 9th, 2012

The Minister For Total Deflection, Joan Burton, has hit out at opposition claims that the forthcoming simultaneous retirement of a trillion public servants represents a “shambles”. Answering questions from radical reforming rump agglomeration, Fianna Fáil, Ms. Burton said the coalition government had been discussing the forthcoming retirements on a daily basis and following it on Twitter and everything, and was well prepared for the impact on frontline services.

Ms. Burton outlined a number of precautions and arrangements which were, she said, being undertaken to minimise disruption to services in key areas. These include:

  • Drafting in four thousand unpaid interns in the even of “a really big fire”
  • Moving non-retiring Gardaí to crime-facing positions who are currently in less vital arse-scratching positions
  • Stepping up government plans to replace reliance on psychiatric nursing with reliance on “the kindness of strangers”
  • Going on holiday
  • Hiding

Artist's Impression Of New-Look "Kindness Of Strangers" Psychiatric Service

The Fianna Fáil leader, Micheál Martin criticised the coalition for ruining the good work of the previous government, which he said had left them a legacy of illusion that the coalition was now shattering without any regard to “the children, the poor wee children”.

Dail Reform Gathers Pace As Fine Gael and Labour Don’t Hire Some Family Members

Tuesday, June 7th, 2011

It has emerged that the promised reform of the Oireachtas and applying of the highest standards to public life is well under way with less than 500 family members having been appointed to jobs by Fine Gael TDs and Junior Minister.

Some Tds, such as Fine Gael Junior Minister Ciaran Cannon, have appointed a few family members to their team, but Fine Gael maintains this is only because you can’t get the help.

Team Cannon

Team Cannon (L-R): Ciaran Cannon (TD), Fergal Cannon (Legal Advisor), Mary 'The Tache' Cannon (Doorperson), Freddy 'Four Eyes Cannon (The Stash), Trixie (Driver), Marty 'Mephistopheles' Cannon (Schemes)

Labour TDs have also shown remarkable restraint with Arthur Spring (nephew of former Labour Dick Spring, son of former Labour TD Dan Spring) having appointed his brother as his parliamentary assistant. This was despite Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore insisting that TDs at least disguise anyone who looks like them with “some sort of a hat or wig”.

Arthur Spring has defended his appointment of his brother saying he is the best man for the job. I interviewed nineteen Springs in the Spring area, and graham is the best Spring for the job. He won the job amidst fierce competition form the Springs. If I could hire him a million times I would. He’s just the best Spring available to do stuff”.

Official Frenzy Ahead Of Royal Shutdown

Monday, May 16th, 2011
"All Your Base Are Belong To One" Her Most Benign Malignancy Elizabeth Regina in reflective mood.

"All Your Base Are Belong To One" Her Most Benign Malignancy Elizabeth Regina in reflective mood.

Frumpy Ardoyne housewife Mary McAleese has been “hoovering all week”; Edna Kenny, Ireland’s first female Taoiseach has been “practicing pulling my foirelock until my scalp bleeds” and Ireland as a whole has been put on a shutdown unseen in the history of the State.

Observing the level of disruption heaped upon the cowed populace of our ersatz republic, one British security operative has offered the opinion that the 1916 Rising could have been put down by the announcement of a pending visit by an octogenarian Londoner and her dodgy Greek beau.

Meanwhile the country braces itself for further enforced optimism at the hands of the Continuity Coalition as they gear up to sell as “a tourist bonanza” another week of road closures for Obama’s whistlestop “elect me please I’m Irish” visit to impress the folks back home.

In other Royal jaunt news, former Taoiseach John Bruton – who famously described the State visit of Prince Charles in 1995 as “the happiest day of my life” – has been admitted to hospital. Doctors say that despite battling for hours, they are unable to stifle his priapic erection.

Meanwhile, All Over Ireland Its ‘Opposite Week’

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

Once the preserve of small children allowed to dress up as their parents and rename animals and everyday objects, Opposite Day has become (in Ireland at least) an extended festival covering several days. Or months. Or even lifetimes.

Thus on Opposite Day, NAMA has pledged to enter the market as a lender. To paraphrase Polonius in Hamlet “Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Be both. Who cares when you’re billions in the hole eh? Wisha throw another couple of thousand kids’ futures on the bonfire Paudeen, Mr Trichet will be after catching his death”

Fianna Fail leader Micheal Martin pledged yesterday to ban corporate donations to political parties. Stop it Micheal! My sides! You’re killing me!

“We have a Five Point Plan” Stop it Enda! Please!
“It’s Labour’s way, or Frankfurt’s way” Oh Jesus Eamon! It hurts! It hurts!
“It was never a Jobs Budget it was always intended to be a Jobs Initiative” Oh lads! You’ve gone and done it now! It’s running down my leg…You’re worse than Micheal…no. Really. You are


Kellogg’s have announced that they are to replace Coco the Monkey, a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate as mascot for their Coco Pops brand. The popular cartoon animal is being given the heave-ho in favour of Jedward, who are between them a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate. It is thought to be the first time in history that an animated character has lost out on a gig to a rival with a lower IQ. It is also the first time that Kellogg’s have opted to voluntarily print a photographic warning on a box of their cereal which shows what can happen if you consume it.

Enda & Eamon’s Honeymoon (Broadcast on 4fm 08.03.11)

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

In which the entire duration of Enda Kenny and Eamon Gilmore’s honeymoon is covered in real time.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 8th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.




Enda, E-N-D-A Enda (Broadcast 4fm 04.03.11)

Friday, March 4th, 2011

Enda, E-N-D-A, Enda, E-N-D-A, Enda…..

Lyrics written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 4th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.




Bishops Intervene To Stress Non-Interference

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

Catholic bishops attending an annual Poking Conference in Maynooth have congratulated TDs on taking on the “noble vocation” of political leadership.

“We applaud the self-sacrifice of these young men and women. Mainly the men of course,” said Bishop O’Toole, Auxilliary Bishop of Kilfeckwad Diocese.

Bishops and Enda Kenny

Bishops: Ice Cream For Tiny Taoiseach-deignate Kenny

In a statement, the bishops said that they hoped that public policy would support and protect the common good, where “common” means “hetrosexual wedded breeding people”, rather than its confusing populist alternative meaning “everyone”.

The bishops denied they were interfering in politics, but said that they have “a duty to our flock, our herd and our collection of turtles, to speak out and encourage and promote Catholic values – not in a way which is prejudicial or discriminatory against other religious beliefs, goodness no – fair play to the heathens and may God have mercy on their souls, but rather to provide a spiritual counterpoint to the current secular theme – not that this is in anyway…. oh, feck it. Yes. We are interfering. Suck it up with your “cricket” ye Godless little gobshites. Amen.”

The bishops were speaking shortly after an informal meeting with Taoiseach-designate, Enda Kenny, at which they presented Mr. Kenny with an ice cream and made him feel small.

Glenroe: The Star-Crossed Lovers (Broadcast on 4fm 01.03.2011)

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

In which we follow the fate of star-crossed lovers Enda and Eamon, from tenatative messages left on phones to a tender proposal at a tryst behind Leo Varadker’s Cage.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 1st 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.





Enda & Eamon Do A Deal (Broadcast on 4fm 22.02.2011)

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

In which Eamon Gilmore calls to Enda’s house for tea and negotiation.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 22nd 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.




Picture Of The Day “That Train Has Left The Station”

Saturday, October 16th, 2010

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen listens to the next generation while taking a free ride on the new luas extension