1. Dear Brothers and Sisters of the Church in Ireland, it is with great concern that I write to you as Pastor of the universal Church and The Beeg Cheese of Pretend. Like yourselves, I have been deeply irritated by the
information which has come to light regarding the abuse of children by members of the Church in Ireland, particularly by priests and religious. I can’t believe this shit is out in the open, and believe me the squealers won’t go unpunished. Read more »

Spokesghouls from The Vatican have confirmed that Pope Benedict will today sign a sorry card for Irish Catholics. It is believed the card will not mention recent controversy about the involvement of Cardinal Sean Brady in silencing abuse victims, nor will it deal with any reorganisation of the structures of the Catholic Church in Ireland.

It is also not expected that the card will mention other clerical child sex abuse scandals involving the Catholic Church Austria, Brazil, Germany, Italy and the Netherlands. The Vatican Spokesghoul explained that in countries where the quality of the people’s faith is already not up to scratch it would be insensitive of the Pope to further damage it by mentioning, you know, stuff.

However The Emergency can reveal that the Pope will have huge tearful eyes and be very sorry indeed:

Cardinal Brady Wan Kenobi has insisted that he acted appropriately when playing his part in compelling abuse victims of Fr. Brendan Smyth to stay quiet about their unspeakable ordeal.

“I’m not the priest you are looking for.” he told bemused reporters earlier today as he waved his hand mysteriously away from himself, while wearing a small sock puppet. “You must remember the 70s were different times. It was a time in Ireland when most things were dealt with by scaring people with damnation and exclusion from the presence of God”. When pressed Cardinal Brady Wan Kenobi did concede that this was in fact true of Spain in the 1470s, and not Ireland in the 1970s as has been implied.

Cardinal Brady Wan Kenobi has insisted there is no reason for him to resign, and that he will not do so unless instructed thus by the popular German anti-clerical-abuse campaigner, Pope Benedict.

“I did my duty and told someone whose job it was to act everything I know,” quipped the blameless Cardinal at an informal cringe session for members of the press. “I mean, it’s not as if a crime had been committed is it? At least nothing that was regarded as a crime back in those far off distant days before the government brought in Priest Amnesty”.

The Priest Amnesty, which is a figment of the Catholic Church’s imagination, was brought in in 1564 by one of the Pixies of Regret who live in the bottom of the garden at the Archbishop of Armagh’s Palace.