Its a story that will beggar the whole family! Coalition Pictures Presents Starey Brian and the Delusion Factory – the heartwarming story of two little boys (innocent Enda Buckenny and wary Eamon Gloop) who gain entry to the mysterious Department of Finance (facts go in – truth never gets out) with special golden tickets issued by Starey Brian, famous worldwide for incredible delusions, and the Greeny Weenies famous for being attached to power at all costs (to the taxpayer)!

Starey Brian and the Greeny Weenies spend all day making up the most unbelievable nonsense and covering it with sugar in an effort to make it palatable – but can their world survive visitors from “outside”?

Featuring the the hit songs The Cowenman Can’t and World Of Pure Imagination, and (I’m In The) Golden Circle your children will literally shovel every cent they will ever earn into this frankly incredible tale. Sure to be a Christmas TV hit…for anyone who hasn’t had to pawn their telly for food in november

Starey Brian and the Delusion Factory at government buildings NOW!

One of the highly sought Golden Tickets allowing the bearer gain access to Starey Brian’s magical Delusion Factory

The Minister For Financial Ruin, Mr. Brian “The Stare” Lenihan, has claimed that the €50 billion bailout of the banks by Irish citizens will be worth it when Irish banking is restored to its “former greatness”.

Brian Lenihan Looks The Country In The Eye

A spokesperson for The Irish People welcomed this clarification in a statement written on cardboard and tied around his neck in a doorway on Molesworth Street earlier this morning.

The statement from The Irish People reads:

“We are very sorry for ever doubting your intentions, Mr Lenihan, sorr. Begorrah and it’s the gentleman ye are for to be taking the spittle out of our childer’s mouth for to lubricate the bollix of the banks as they shin back up the razor blade of ignomony to their Former Greatness. Any chance of an aul twig to build a rudimentary shelter for the night cos the gutters is fairly overcrowded this weather and no harm to ye?”

Meanwhile a spokesvampire from the banking sector has also welcomed the minister’s support. “During our Former Greatness we overcharged, evaded tax, lent ourselves money to lend back to ourselves and generally acted the maggot in a way which became a template for the world,” the spokesvampire explained at a press conference in the Central Crypt in Dublin this morning. “Now we have lost the respect of all the international brothers in bloodsucking, but with this generous donation on behalf of the next few generations we feel we can back on the pig in no time flat”.

Meanwhile the EU has again warned that Ireland must have a forty year budget plan, scrap low corporate tax and get back into its box. Construction work on the box has been halted due to lack of funding.

Claims that the well-known blimp and Acting Taoiseach, Brian Cowen is now in a stable and unassailable position at the head of government look in doubt again as the puffed-up Offaly man slipped his moorings at The National Ploughing Championships (which are not just about ploughing) in Athy.

Mr Cowen was showing leadership by deliberately allowing his body to become full of gas to the point where he started to float, and allowing businesses to advertise on his bloated airborne body. All went well at first as a record crowd watched the much-loved carouser float high above the sodden fields of Athy.

But delight turned to terror when the upward momentum of the soaring Acting Taoiseach ripped the hairy twine from the child holding him on the ground, and the blimp-politician was blown away in the wind.

“We’re very upset at loosing the Taoiseach just when we had so much confidence in him,” confessed a starey Minister For Finance Brian Lenihan to reporters. “However there is an automatic gas-release mechanism built into the Taoiseach and we anticipate he will come to ground later today”.

There are some concerns that the blimp-Taoiseach will cause problems for air traffic, but these were allayed by further reassurances from Mr. Lenihan: “There is a doomsday failsafe in case the primary gas release mechanism fails,” he explained. “If he hasn’t come to earth in the normal course of events we will schedule an emergency interview on the radio first thing tomorrow morning which will enable any remaining gas to escape from a number of the Taoiseach’s, erm, valves”.

The mishap has not affected the National Ploughing Championships (which are not just about ploughing) where there have been record attendances. Speaking there yesterday, President McAleese, herself a keen harrower, attributed the turnout to a combination of the Irish People’s Great Spirit and massively high levels of unemployment.

A report from the National Adult Literacy Agency has revealed that 100% of the Fianna Fail / Green Party cabinet struggle with basic maths. That’s almost all of them.

Taoiseach Brian Cowan Calculates Number Of Electorate Who Support Him

Glaring inadequacies in the ability to count were revealed when members of the cabinet were questioned. The Minster for Finance, Brian Lenihan incorrectly identified €25 billion as being €2 billion. Recently The Minister For Communications, Eamon Ryan failed to identify a number plus 5% as being bigger than the original number.

There were exceptions however with Taoiseach Brian Cowen adroitly demonstrating basic addition and subtraction abilities by refusing to hold any bye elections.

The Cabinet reconvened yesterday to compare tans for the first time since the end of the St Patrick’s Day junket season which finished just before the summer break.

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan briefed his ministerial colleagues on the situation regarding Anglo Irish Bank, which announced last Tuesday that it had made an €8.2 billion loss for the first six months of the year. His colleagues now sagely favour an orderly wind down of the bank over a 372 year period.

Green Party Ministers informed ministerial colleagues that they now prefer “… a quicker wind-down of the government…er….bank….we mean bank. Not government. No….Ow! Stop giving me a Chinese wrist burn…I’m telling”.

Meanwhile, the Government’s discussion with the European Commission on Anglo is also expected to conclude this month, in which timeframe the crippled ‘bank’ will have sucked millions more euro to oblivion like Ivor Callely on an expenses cheque.

Mr Lenihan and acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen also held discussions on the estimates for the upcoming December budget, which will seek €3 billion in cutbacks and taxes – government sources have been floating the proposal since last week that up to €39 million of this could be raised through compulsory sale of the firstborn of each family to members of the Saudi royal family as “pets”. Other less extreme plans will save another €73 million, including rendering the elderly for saleable food and possessions; and a controversial ’come-all-ye” levy to be imposed on The Furey Brothers, The High Kings, The Chieftains and Brian Kennedy. Davey Arthur is to be exempted

Mighty Jabba the Health warned that the scale of cuts in the health budget next year will be “erronia thakk agba orree..ho ho ho ho ho” and will have serious consequences for health services.

In a related story, undead Anglo Irish Bank is to target a number of key international ‘players’ with new products designed to entice inward investment to the institution based on the strength of the national bank guarantee.

A member of the international investment community receives one of Anglo’s mailshots

In a sponsorship deal believed to worth 500% of Ireland’s GDP, The International Monetary Fund is to contribute massively towards the redevelopment of Ireland.

Plans for the new Ireland will be available for the public to view shortly in a cupboard at the IMF headquarters in Washington DC. The plan is expected to involve the demolition of the existing Ireland, providing jobs for Four million Irish people each of whom will be employed to destroy himself or herself to make way for one of the new slimline “population units” to be introduced by 2015.

The first phase of the plan will involved the redevelopment of Leinster House in to a giant open-air puppet theatre. The new Leinster House will be named “The IMF Stadium” and will provide seating for up to 166 marionettes as well as 60 new sock puppets (formerly known as “senators”).

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan welcomed the development in a statement: “The fact that the IMF is willing to accept the blood of three generations of Irish citizens as loan collateral is proof yet again of Positive International Opinion in favour of the Tough Decisions made by this ‘Government’. We have turned a corner and are feverishly applying opposite lock – a manoeuvre which should reduce the loss of life to Irish citizens to less than 60%”.

The new oireachtas, The IMF Stadium will be aggressively marketed in a unique voting package offer which will see lucky punters able to vote in a Fianna Fail government for the next four general elections by purchasing a special 4-for-1 Golden Ballot. The package is competitively priced at €22 billion a shot.

Hard pressed directors of NAMA have been saved from death by a 70% pay increase, 3 months after their appointment. The Minister For Finance defended the emergency payment in the face of stupid opposition cat calls.

"Tibbles": NAMA Director-owned Ocelot Whose Death Has Been Narrowly Avoided

"It has become clear that the fee we originally set for the Chairman of NAMA (€100k) would not be sufficient to maintain the level of larks’ tongue consumption which international class bankers have an absolute right to expect," explained Mr. Lenihan. "After all if you want to manage €54 billion in assets, you can’t be expected to do it on an empty stomach, or without at least a moderate level of ermine".

The increased fees are being blamed on the fact that there would be more work for the directors of NAMA to do than had originally been thought to be the case. However officials have assured The Emergency that this is a one off arrangement and that the whole business will be over by Christmas. We were given this in writing and have in our hand the piece of paper signed this morning in Merrion Square and promising credit in our time.

In this sketch from Series 1 Episode 6, Enda Kenny goes on a search the renegade Colonel Cowen that brings him deep into The Heart Of Darkness.

Enda Kenny: Apocalypse Now [ 4:30 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

This episode first broadcast April 18th 2009 on Newstalk 106-108 FM. The Emergency is broadcast every Saturday on Newstalk at 11:30 am and is available as a podcast from iTunes or use this URL in your podcast software:

http://newstalk.ie/newstalk/podcasts/39/the-emergency.xml

© 2009 The Emergency

The Minister For Wild Guessing, Brian Lenihan, said in a speech to Credit Union officials on Saturday that other European governments are “Green with envy” at “the extent to which Irish taxpayers will allow themselves to be skewered through from anterior to posterior by harsh fiscal rectitude measures”.

A delighted Mister Lenihan proudly boasted than Europe is “amazed” at “the amount of pain” Irish people will bear. “That is our great strength as a nation”, he pointed out gleefully. “Even when the British lefts we were still capable of adopting our own government as an oppressor and continue to display our fortitude beneath the heel of leather boot.”

Mister Lenihan said that if the French Government had introduced the public sector pension levy that there would be “riots in the street”. He beamed with hubris as he announced “The entire world is the most fecked it has been since 1929, but nowhere else is as bad as Ireland. The Irish people should be proud of its government, of itself and of it’s uniquely high threshold for injustice in the civilised world”.

The full text of Mister Lenihan’s speech is likely shortly to be available hand written in red on a scrap of paper pinned to the back of a blue pinstriped suit worn by an inverted man hanging from a lamp post outside the GPO.