Perfect Day (Broadcast on 4fm 05.04.11)

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

This eight week run of The Emergency on 4fm concludes with Enda Kenny, Michael Noonan, Joan Burton & Eamon Gilmore suffering another dreadful day in the office and reminiscing about that lovely day just a few short weeks ago when they went to visit “that nice lady who lives near the zoo…”

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Prominent Fianna Fail Members Back Cowen To Steer Ship Of The Dead

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

As the vote of confidence in Acting Taoiseach and Head Zombie Brian Cowen approaches, senior Fianna Fail members have lurched sickeningly to proclaim him the man to lead their Ship Of The Dead into the black ragged rocks on the Shores Of Oblivion.

Mary O'Rourkes

Mary O'Rourkes

Mother Of The House Mary O’Rourke epitomised the resolve of her party to be both principled and decisive when stating on the radio earlier that she does not think Cowen is the best person to lead Fianna Fail (principle) and will therefore vote in favour of him (decision). Mrs. O’Rourke was speaking to journalists who found her shopping in Aldi in Longford Town. “This is a shite shop, I buy everything here,” she confided wittily to reporters.

Dermot Ahern

The Goo-drenched Minister For Justice Of The Damned, Dermot Ahern

Meanwhile Dermot Ahern, Minister For The Justice Of The Damned, has delighted the electorate by sticking them with Cowen for another few weeks ahead of the forthcoming general election. “I believe strongly that Brian Cowen is the man to lead Fianna Fail into the Underworld,” he breathed in a horrible monotone before biting off the head of a reporter and feasting on the anti-Fianna Fail Narrative goo in his brain.

Emperor Lenihan

Emperor Lenihan

Minster For The IMF And Corner Turning, Brian Lenihan, whom many feel is likely to lead the other Fianna Fail TD after the general election, is set to announce his support for Brian Cowen in the vote as well. “Sssssgghhggshhghshhhllll…..,” he explained off the record to a reporter during an early morning soul assimilation today.

Hanafin Speaks For 8 Minutes On Frontline – Says Nothing

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Local busybody Ms Gulch on the Frontline

Minister for Arse All and Antics Mary Hanafin has tonight spectacularly used an appearance on the RTE current affairs shouty zoo The Frontline to dramatically say nothing in particular about her confidence or otherwise in acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

Part of a panel of candidates running in the so called “Constituency of Death”, Ms Hanafin refused to be drawn on her voting intentions ahead of tomorrow’s confidence motion in the Fianna Fail leader but shocked Pat Kenny by threatening to “Fix you my pretty [Kenny], and your little dog too”.

Two audience members were impressed by a column of red smoke which appeared to engulf her, but all were disappointed when she failed to disappear. Viewers phoning RTE were also impressed that Ms Hanafin had brought one of her flying monkey bell hops with her but it has been pointed out that it was actually Green Minister of State Ciaran Cuffe.

In other news, Mary Harney has objected to RTE using the term “Constituency of Death” to describe Dun Laoghaire. A spokesfluke for Ms Harney has pointed out that her constituency is Dublin Mid West.

Lenihan Allays New Power Fears By Hiding What He’s Doing

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

The Acting Minister For Finance, Brian Lenihan, has successfully applied for a court hearing concerning “a financial institutuion” to be held in camera, as it dealt with matters of “extreme commercial sensitivity” under new powers contained in the controversial Credit Institutions (Secretiveness) Act 2010. The Act was recently signed after the President had a “good hard look” at it.

Brian "The Stare" Lenihan

Acting Finance Minster Brian Lenhian With New Special Eyes Granted To Him Under The Recent Credit Institutions Act 2010

Mr. Lenihan, who has been fitted with special eyes under the act to help him see things in a special, secret way, said that this should now silence all the act’s detractors who claimed it gave too much power to the Minister For Finance. New powers given to the minister include:

  • The ability to move assets
  • The ability to act against the wishes of shareholders in an institution
  • The ability to choose menus, stationery and soft furnishings without consulting a chef or interior designer
  • The ability to replace some or all board members of the boards of financial institutions with cardboard cutouts or small soft toys such as badgers, dogs or otters
  • The ability to hide stuff in the cupboards
  • The ability to leap tall stories in a single bound

However Mr. Lenihan insisted fears were groundless now. “There is no need for concern about the act or the powers it gives me,” he explained, “because as you can now see I intend to hide everything in a locked room. At this time of difficulty for us all I have no intention of bothering people with anything I can hide, ignore or present incorrectly as the opposite of what it is in the National Interest. Move along now nothing to see here”.

Impressive Shouty Fighty Cowen Defends State Official Bonuses

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has defended the awarding of up to €200,000 in individual bonus payments to state officials. The bonuses came to light in a reply to questions from Fine Gael Spokesman on Smarts and Clevers, Fergus O’Dowd.

However the Taoiseach has shoutily assured the Dáil that these are not in fact bonus payments but are instead part of “the overall aggregate payments made to officials under agreements made formerly and in a context where they were the only right arrangement to make at the time and are a clear case where you have to make the distinction between things that are distinct. I’m in fighting form, you know”.

Brian Cowen Thinking About Shouting Fighty Stuff

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen impresses onlookers in the Dáil Impressed Gallery by thinking about what he will shout next in a fighty way, thus demonstrating his utter mastery of matters of state.

The Taoiseach has explained that the payments are made under agreements from the past and cannot be changed. This now seems to be government policy as it is in line with Acting Finance Minister Brian Lenihan’s insistence that the bonuses in AIB are a result of agreements from the past and absolutely must not be paid.

Media observers, particularly those in the impartial state broadcaster RTFF, have praised the Taoiseach’s recent shouty fightiness, which analysts have pointed is both louder and more fighty than previously, clearly indicating a divine right to rule.

Budget Latest: New National Performance Indicator To Be Invented

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

The Acting Minister for Finance has just announced a new National Welfare Index. This will measure the national wellbeing in a way which smooths over such distorting factors as how we are doing and how much money the government has pissed down a bank drain.

As well as normal indexes of wealth and health, the new index will include such factors as:

  • Number of nice looking domestic animals
  • Cloud fluffiness
  • Native cunning
  • Our Ability To Laugh At Ourselves
  • Our ability to cover up our inadequacies by allowing others to laugh at us
  • Boxty
Goat

Nice-Looking Animals

The new Welfare Index will be used in future to help guide government policy in key areas such as casinos, obfuscation and applied borrowing.

Budget Update: Healy-Rae / Michael Lowry Deal Details

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

The Emergency has learned that Jackie Healy-Rae, the sitting TD for Tír na nÓg, had a number of phone conversations late in the day with the Acting Minister for Finance, Brian Lenihan. On the third phone call he got it right and was able to both speak to and listen to the minister. they thrashed out a deal whereby Healy-Rae agreed to support today’s budget in return for the following assurances:

  • A 9,000 bed hospital to be constructed in Kenmare
  • A hyperspace portal to be installed near Tralee
  • A new hat
  • Another new hat
  • A hat making facility to be located in the new underwater biosphere off Valentia Island
hat

Promised Hat

Mr. Healy-Rae said that he was aware that his constituents were relying on him to act in the national interest, but added “Huura ooo de shmaaak, until de uuurururururooooo shtoppit wouldye”.

Meanwhile TD for the North Tipperary Reservation, Michael Lowry, met Lenihan face to face to sek reassurances about the protection of the most vulnerable in society.

“I am satisfied that those who are weakest in our society will be looked after”, he confirmed, speaking earlier today from his extension. “The elderly, the poorest people and casino-fixated visionaries of Ireland can be assured that I will not let them down”.

Meanwhile, Mr Lenihan has denied that the government has been held to ransom by a couple of chancers. “I haven’t spoken to either Olli Rehn or Jean-Claude Trichet since last Tuesday”, he stared.

Government Press Office Releases View From Lenihan’s Office

Friday, December 3rd, 2010
What Minister Lenihan perceives through his office window

What Minister Lenihan perceives through his office window

The rest of the country may be in the grip of a big freeze but there is at least one corner of the state where it is forever toasty warm and nice. Officials at the Department of Selling Ireland Downriver To The ECB have this morning released a snapshot of the view from Brian Lenihan – and it’s all good

Mr Lenihan, hotly tipped by leading Fianna Fail loon-matron Mary O’Rourke as next party leader, is delighted with the upturn in our economic fortunes. “Look, let’s be perfectly clear about this” he said “We have turned a corner, there is no need to draw down the generous rescue fund provided by our good friends in Europe now that the economy is functioning at a higher level than ever before hitherto and I want as I say to be perfectly clear about this. Look” he said.

The Minister has privately told two household pets and an imaginary dragon that he expects Fianna Fail to return a massive 2.8 million TDs to Leinster House after the next general election. That would make Fianna Fail the largest party in the state ahead of Enda Kenny’s estimate of 1.7 million Fine Gael TDs.

Using his spookiest voice Mr Lenihan advised caution and warned against complacency however: “There’s a lot of speculation about parties of the ‘left’ and ‘civic pride’ – let me be perfectly clear looking about this. Everything will be fine. Trust us. We know what we are doing. You don’t want to upset the applecart with a load of untrained citizen politicians and lefties trying to do a deal they don’t understand with the bond markets and our generous colleagues in Europe. If anybody is going to do that properly it us the party of the Irish people, Fianna Fail”.

Fianna Fail is expected to launch it’s campaign for the general election shortly under the new slogan FIANNA FAIL – GOING FORWARD TO THE BRONZE AGE later this month.

Video For Free Download Single “Not Doing Any Time”

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

Morgan Jones has uploaded this video for the Carmody And Jones single “Not Doing Any Time”, available free here from this web site.

SNEAK PREVIEW!!! Cabinet’s 4 Year Plan Leaked

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

A leaked memo outlining the cabinet, Mr Cowen the acting Taoiseach, and Minister for Staring Imploringly Brian Lenihan’s four year plan for stabilizing the economy and continuing to “impress the markets” has come into the possession of The Emergency.

It reads:
“YR 1: Suck middle class and working class dry”

YR 2: SEE ABOVE

YR 3: SEE YR 2

YR 4: BORROW MORE”

We reproduce this important and detailed plan below.

The leaked handwritten memo