Outgoing Golfer & Amateur Taoiseach Brian Cowen is this moment considering his position after being hit by a double salvo from within the ranks of his own cabinet. It’s reported that an unnamed government minister has asked the keen leadership hobbyist to stand down. However it is not this but the unequivocal backing of Tanaiste Mary Coughlan which has the leader-like enthusiast in despair.

Tanaiste Mary Coughlan with two of the Taoiseach's aides shortly after hearing how he feels about her defence of him in the Dail earlier.

Ms. Coughlan defended the Taoiseach in the Dail when responding to questions from Enda Kenny, the leaderlike member of Fine Gael.

“I have full confidence in the aversion of eventing given to me by the Teatray”, she malapropped stridently, “If Noel Coward says he didn’t talk about angling when playing a round with the charwoman of Angled Iris Tank, then I for one am happy to acceed to his alma mater”.

Asked how the Taoiseach felt about Coughlan’s defence of him in the house earlier, a source close to Mr. Cowen blanched, muttered “Shite”, poked The Emergency reporter Seamus Brophy in both eyes with a putter and retreated into his burrow, dragging a large rock over the entrance.

A meeting of the Fianna Fail parliamentary party at which it is thought there may be an attempt to oust Brian Cowen as acting leader of Fianna Fail has been put back to later this afternoon. This is believed to be partly due to technical difficulties of getting the entire party up itself at short notice, and partly to give Fianna Fail TD’s time to spell their own names on a page ripped out of Micheál martin’s Good Copybook.

Martin meanwhile is said to be convinced that he can get 18 signatures from FF TDs. “This is a result of a recent literacy campaign among backbenchers and a new pen I got for Christmas”, he explained.

Page From Micheal Martin's Good Copy With Signatures Of Several Prominent FF Members Already Appended

The leader of the Green Party has said that the party can find no evidence of wrongdoing in the reports about a golf game between Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and loveable niblick-wielder Seanie FitzPatrick.

Crime-figting nonogenerian John Gormley and radical political activist Dan Matlock

Mr. Gormley said he has asked the Department of Finance whether Fitzpatrick made any representations to it on behalf of Anglo and had been told that he did not. “That’s good enough for me, I can only go on what I’m told,” he explained at a press-speaking-at event earlier today. “I’m not Sherlock Holmes. I don’t smoke a pipe for one thing. Matlock. Yes, that’s it. I’m like a sort of Matlock character. Without the violence. And the uncovering of the truth.”

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has announced a 20-year plan to increase the number of Irish speakers from around 85,000 to 250,000.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen demonstrates the new ministerial novelty fada

“My Government has led by example in this area”, claimed the well known Offaly landmark at Government Buildings yesterday, gamely shouting above festive cries of “Speak English, you rebel bastard!” and “Allez les autres!” from passers-by.

“Although we have not actually increased the amount of Irish spoken”, the Taoiseach-like entity claimed, “we have dramatically decreased the amount of functional or interpetrable English been spoken, thereby creating a linguistic vacuum for the Irish language in the future”

Among measures to increase the number of people speaking Irish, it is being proposed that members of cabinet will wear novelty fadas on their heads when on official business. Additionally all state documents will be made available in ogham, providing a much-needed boost to the ailing rock-notching industry.

14 perCent – how low can rap go?

Lovable knockabout ‘comedy taoiseach’ Brian Cowen has announced a change of direction – despite being known for bouts of razor sharp wit, stirring rhetoric and the few bars of an oul’ song behind closed doors away out of the gaze of anyone but poll corrs and FFionan Sheahan, plucky Brian is relaunching as edgy urban rapper.

Styling himself 14 perCent the former clowen hopes to break the bank with his new song I Got 99 Problems But A Functioning Economy Isn’t One Of Them

We wish him well and hope that he emulates Biggy, Tupac, and whoever else in Detroit who has recently mixed rap with lead, fool.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has defended the awarding of up to €200,000 in individual bonus payments to state officials. The bonuses came to light in a reply to questions from Fine Gael Spokesman on Smarts and Clevers, Fergus O’Dowd.

However the Taoiseach has shoutily assured the Dáil that these are not in fact bonus payments but are instead part of “the overall aggregate payments made to officials under agreements made formerly and in a context where they were the only right arrangement to make at the time and are a clear case where you have to make the distinction between things that are distinct. I’m in fighting form, you know”.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen impresses onlookers in the Dáil Impressed Gallery by thinking about what he will shout next in a fighty way, thus demonstrating his utter mastery of matters of state.

The Taoiseach has explained that the payments are made under agreements from the past and cannot be changed. This now seems to be government policy as it is in line with Acting Finance Minister Brian Lenihan’s insistence that the bonuses in AIB are a result of agreements from the past and absolutely must not be paid.

Media observers, particularly those in the impartial state broadcaster RTFF, have praised the Taoiseach’s recent shouty fightiness, which analysts have pointed is both louder and more fighty than previously, clearly indicating a divine right to rule.

Anglo Irish Bank is to be renamed to make things nicer. The new entity will focus solely on recovering loans and will not have a funding arm. “That was always a load of bollox”, confirmed Anglo Chairman, Alan “Smokey” Dukes earlier today.

Mr. Dukes said that the name for the new bank was not yet confirmed but that “Fluffy” and “Pixie Gold Palace” were among the front-runners. Dukes himself will remain in charge but will no longer be known as chairman. Instead the former Fine Gael leader will most likely be known as “Fluffykins” or “Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk”.

Alan Dukes, aka Fluffykins, aka Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk

The Emergency has learned that this is just the first in a number of rebranding exercises connnected with the the IMIF/EU bailout. In secret meetings, out of which Joe Higgins was invited to walk but refused, EU Commisioner Olli Rehn is said to have insisted that Ireland’s budget deficit be renamed “The Jennifer”. It is not expected that this will reduce the deficit significantly, but is seen in the context of an EU-wide policy of making stuff sound prettier.

Dáil Éireann will also be rebranded and it is thought that initially it will switch its focus to opening supermarkets, then later focus on appearances at children’s parties before slowly being wound down altogether. It will be replaced by a live feed from Germany and an amusing bawdy bartender.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has denied that any of this is true which has led to widespread confidence that it is all completely true.

Morgan Jones has uploaded this video for the Carmody And Jones single “Not Doing Any Time”, available free here from this web site.

The Irish government has confirmed that the IMF has arrived in Dublin to have a look around.

Government sources have said there is “no bailout negotiation” going on with the IMF and ECB. The Tánaiste Mary Coughlan has denied that the 12.5% corporate tax is among the things being not negotiated. “In the context of the non-negotiation of a deal with the IMF, corporate tax rates are not negotiable” she explained in the Dáil earlier.

Diagram Indicating Destination Of IMF Funds NOT Currently Being Negotiated

Meanwhile on RTE News the Minister for Drawing & Running & Kicking A Ball, Mary Hanafin has said the negotiations which are NOT taking place are “Not just about debt”. They are about stabilising the banking system, which is owned by and has nothing to do with the state. The additional 10s of billions of debt involved in the negotiations which are not taking place are a side issue.

Meanwhile journalists contacting The Department of Finance seeking information about the negotiations which are NOT taking place as this piece goes to press, have been advised to “Give the IMF a call”. However the Dept. of Finance has claimed that it provided far more information. “We told the journalists they could phone the IMF it’s true, but we did point out they could also follow the IMF on twitter and/or ‘like’ them on FaceBook”.

The Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and other government ministers have mentioned that the loan which is NOT being negotiated with the IMF could form a contingency fund only to be used if things get a bit rocky and definitely not until after the IMF have gone home.