Fears For Survival of Satire as Former Taoiseach Launches Management Consultancy

Sunday, November 10th, 2013

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Satire is this morning feared dead following the announcement by the last ever MaFFianna Fail Taoiseach Brian Cowen that he is to run a management consultancy from his Offally home!

Details of Mr Cowen’s “comedy gold” idea are sketchy, but it is thought that services offered will include learning modules for his clients’ senior executives. The modules will give Mr Cowen the opportunity to use structured FAQs to impart his particular experience in areas like:

Pouring Piss Out of a Boot – how to do it; what if I can’t find the instructions written on the heel? What if my liver is too tired to let me focus on the heel? How do I invest responsibility for the puddle of boot piss in others?

Another popular module will be targeted at micro managers who need to learn to back away and allow their business’ own systems and processes work by themselves. This module is called Relax! Let The Two Car Funeral Fuck Itself Up.

A leading management consultant who didn’t wish to be named has described Mr Cowen’s entry into the field of management consultancy as being “like Grace Kelly opening a driving school in Monaco”

Perfect Day (Broadcast on 4fm 05.04.11)

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

This eight week run of The Emergency on 4fm concludes with Enda Kenny, Michael Noonan, Joan Burton & Eamon Gilmore suffering another dreadful day in the office and reminiscing about that lovely day just a few short weeks ago when they went to visit “that nice lady who lives near the zoo…”

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Mubarak Finally Steps Down – Micheál Martin Considering His Position

Friday, February 11th, 2011

Hosni Mubarak pictured in The Tap Bar in Tullamore enjoying a pint “I’m finally able to look at things” he says

DATELINE EGYPTANIA.: Hosni Mubarak, the second least popular politician of 2011, has finally stepped down prompting a wave of celebrations across Egypt and causing Micheál Martin to reflexively consider standing as his replacement.

A stoic Mr Mubarak went to himself earlier today and formally asked himself to dissolve his government. He then travelled to The Tap Bar in Tullamore to “spend time with loyal friends”.

Mr Mubarak moved fellow drinkers with his heartfelt rendition of The Pyramids of Ponchartrain before livening up his audience with a series of razor sharp impressions of Anwar Sadat, Lawrence of Arabia and golfer Padraig Harrington.

Cowen Goes To Áras

Tuesday, February 1st, 2011

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen performs his final official task about now as he sets out to Áras an Uachtarain to formally request that President McAleese dissolve the 30th Dáil

The drive to the Park is expected to take six and a half hours. A government spokesgoon has provided the map above detailing Mr Cowen’s route.

Dangerous Iceberg Steps Down

Tuesday, February 1st, 2011

Sunk it’s last ship…

An iceberg which is believed to be responsible for mass sinkings has announced the end of his 27-year floating dangerously in the Atlantic career last night, confirming that he was stepping down as a danger to shipping.

The iceberg said his proudest moment in office was playing a part in the sinking of the entire merchant fleet, thousands of cars and countless aspirations. He said he had no future plans but would be playing an active part as a former gargantuan chunk of killer ice canvassing for Fianna Fáil in the forthcoming general election.
The iceberg refused to reveal the date that it would melt, and also refused to comment on strong speculation that a very similar iceberg from the same floe called Barry, would now seek to sink boats on canals.
The iceberg made his announcement on Radio Caroline, saying he had consulted with his seals and polar bears before arriving at his final choice.

Speaking in an emotional voice, the iceberg thanked the floaters in his wake for their support which, he said, had enabled him to enjoy a lengthy career during which he had sunk an entire country.

Speaking afterwards, the iceberg said that, with the benefit of hindsight, it was easy to criticise the sinkings he had been instrumental in but he was satisfied that his integrity and good name were intact. Whereupon he boiled away into steam and flood water.

Prominent Fianna Fail Members Back Cowen To Steer Ship Of The Dead

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

As the vote of confidence in Acting Taoiseach and Head Zombie Brian Cowen approaches, senior Fianna Fail members have lurched sickeningly to proclaim him the man to lead their Ship Of The Dead into the black ragged rocks on the Shores Of Oblivion.

Mary O'Rourkes

Mary O'Rourkes

Mother Of The House Mary O’Rourke epitomised the resolve of her party to be both principled and decisive when stating on the radio earlier that she does not think Cowen is the best person to lead Fianna Fail (principle) and will therefore vote in favour of him (decision). Mrs. O’Rourke was speaking to journalists who found her shopping in Aldi in Longford Town. “This is a shite shop, I buy everything here,” she confided wittily to reporters.

Dermot Ahern

The Goo-drenched Minister For Justice Of The Damned, Dermot Ahern

Meanwhile Dermot Ahern, Minister For The Justice Of The Damned, has delighted the electorate by sticking them with Cowen for another few weeks ahead of the forthcoming general election. “I believe strongly that Brian Cowen is the man to lead Fianna Fail into the Underworld,” he breathed in a horrible monotone before biting off the head of a reporter and feasting on the anti-Fianna Fail Narrative goo in his brain.

Emperor Lenihan

Emperor Lenihan

Minster For The IMF And Corner Turning, Brian Lenihan, whom many feel is likely to lead the other Fianna Fail TD after the general election, is set to announce his support for Brian Cowen in the vote as well. “Sssssgghhggshhghshhhllll…..,” he explained off the record to a reporter during an early morning soul assimilation today.

Hanafin Speaks For 8 Minutes On Frontline – Says Nothing

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Local busybody Ms Gulch on the Frontline

Minister for Arse All and Antics Mary Hanafin has tonight spectacularly used an appearance on the RTE current affairs shouty zoo The Frontline to dramatically say nothing in particular about her confidence or otherwise in acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

Part of a panel of candidates running in the so called “Constituency of Death”, Ms Hanafin refused to be drawn on her voting intentions ahead of tomorrow’s confidence motion in the Fianna Fail leader but shocked Pat Kenny by threatening to “Fix you my pretty [Kenny], and your little dog too”.

Two audience members were impressed by a column of red smoke which appeared to engulf her, but all were disappointed when she failed to disappear. Viewers phoning RTE were also impressed that Ms Hanafin had brought one of her flying monkey bell hops with her but it has been pointed out that it was actually Green Minister of State Ciaran Cuffe.

In other news, Mary Harney has objected to RTE using the term “Constituency of Death” to describe Dun Laoghaire. A spokesfluke for Ms Harney has pointed out that her constituency is Dublin Mid West.

Acting Taoiseach Relaxes Ahead Of Heave Meeting

Monday, January 17th, 2011

No hard feelings – the acting Taoiseach and Michael Martin relax with a few swings on the golf course ahead of tomorrow morning’s Fianna Fail parliamentary party meeting in which Mr Cowen faces a confidence motion tabled by himself

“Rarrrr!” Leadership At Last As Fierce Martin Comes Very Close To Resigning

Sunday, January 16th, 2011
Micheal Martin

An awed nation marvelled at the strength in depth of the Fianna Fail front bench as Minister Micheál Martin this evening resigned from the cabinet saying: “I can no longer allow the party to be humiliated by a sorry parade of weakness and indecision. It is therefore, with heavy heart and pursed lips that I have tendered my resignation to the Taoiseach who I will challenge for leadership of the party as he is not fit to lead it”.

However seconds later it emerged that, in a characteristically brilliant political manouvre, Brian Cowen had refused to accept this resignation, leaving only one option open to his colleague and adversary. Martin explained:

“I can no longer allow the party to be humiliated by a sorry parade of weakness and indecision. It is therefore with heavy heart and pursed lips that I have accepted the refusal of the Taoiseach of my resignation. I will now challenge him in an atmosphere of mutual respect for leadership of the party. Or I might kiss him. I’m so afraid and confused. Human emotional relationships are a continuum, you know?”

Jedward: “Oh My God!!! We, Like, Totally Asked Cowen To Get Fianna Fail Votes For Us On X Factor!!!!!”

Friday, January 14th, 2011

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen is not out of the woods yet. On top of former Anglo chief David Drumm’s allegations that he asked the NTMA to deposit money with Anglo Irish, it has now emerged that Jedward approached the Fianna Fail leader as early as Week Four of The X Factor in 2009 asking him to persuade members of Fianna Fail to vote for them. The Taoiseach had previously denied doing this, although he has admitted saying “Fair play to them, Ireland needs a lift, going forward” when questioned during Week Six in the Dail about the performances of the mental-haired twosome on the popular British horror show.

Jedward

Jedward

Jedward released a statement to The Emergency in the erarly hours of this morning with their version of events:

“Oh my God! brian Cowen ilke totally promised he’d get all those, like, politician guys in Fianna Fein, or Labour Gael, or, like whatever, to phone in and vite for us in like Week Four of the X Factor. We were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s like totally, like amaaaaaaazing!!!!!!!’, cos like that Ivor Callely guy is one of them, right? And he has like a million billion trillion phones just on his own!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However, Jedward did admit that this was just “some stuff we’re like saying?” and that there was no proof, it being just the word of a complete idiot against that of a pop duo.

Mary Byrne is a lovely woman altogether.