Have-a-Go crim “Bertie”

Residents in the north Dublin suburb of Drumcondra have been warned to exercise extra vigilence of their belongings following recent sightings of cheeky local ‘have-a-go’ con man Bertie Ahern – this time in far off Dubai.

An internet video of the loveable crim has surfaced showing him using his trademark mangled english to extoll the sturdiness of Dubai’s economy – barely a week later, that economy was revealed to be in ruins – believed to have disappeared into Bertie’s magical carpetbag.

Organisers of the event to promote Dubai on the world stage, local residents Sheikh Nik El Eeson and Leh Man al Bruthers broke down when they told The Emergency’s Breaking News Desk of their losses. “We all expected a few items to go missing from his hotel suite” Sheikh El Eeson said; “Soaps, showercaps, television sets, bedspreads – all of these we are used to, but this…this…what is the Irish word for him? Yes by the Profit! He is a shitehawk – this shitehawk has buggered us all with his financial jinx. He is an evil dji’in”

Leh Man al Bruthers was inconsolable; “Who will pay for the 1000s of cubic tonnes of snow that the Profit expects to adorn the rockery in my wadi? Who will drive me to public beheadings and loppings? Not ‘Lucky One-Stumped’ Abdul my chauffeur. Poor Lucky had only just escaped another lopping for a minor traffic offence and now I must lay him off to starve, leaving me with no option but to scowl impotently at my hangar full of Bentleys and Daimlers. The Profit has deserted us…in our….desert”.

This live performance of The 2009 Grand Bank Nationalisation sketch formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009.
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Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has denied that his legacy has been wiped out by the current economic crisis.

In an interview at the weekend which left thousands of Newstalk listeners emotionally damaged, caused 400 to choke and forced a Kerry pensioner to inadvertently mail himself to his brother in Nairobi, Mr Ahern, a sports journalist and amateur politician, also claimed that the Irish housing bubble had not made the current crisis worse here.

“There has always been bubbles, there always will be bubbles. You can’t run a decent sized communal bath without bubbles,” declared Ahern (13) who seemed at times confused and malevolent.

Mr. Ahern also refuted accusations that he was in any way to blame for the recession, saying that politicians could only be held responsible for stuff that happened when they were in power, or at least only when caught rapid.

Mr. Ahern reportedly earns a modest fortune lecturing on The Celtic Tiger, for which he claims to be responsible up to the point it fell on it’s stripey arse. Additionally he has been to loads of football games which qualifies him to write about it in the highly regarded biodegradeable chip wrapper, News Of The Chests.