In which Bertie Ahern learns of the loss of his car and driver and does not feel good about it.
Read more »

Bad Loser Bertie [ 2:43 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

In which Silvio Burlusconi seeks the advice of Bertie Ahern.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 17th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

Bertie And Burlusconi - First Broadcast on 4fm [ 1:45 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

Iar Taoiseach Bertie Ahern gamboling and frolicking in the specially constructed pension(s) vault under his , Beresford, Drumcondra home

Former taoiseach Bertie Ahern left them rolling with laughter in the dole queues saying today that he wished “somebody somewhere” had warned him about the looming economic catastrophe while he was in power.

On his last ever full day in the Dáil, Mr Ahern also listed his failed attempt to build a national sports stadium – nicknamed the Bertie Bowl – among his biggest regrets because nothing distracts idiots like a match somewhere.

The former MaFFianna Fáil don is among a string of high-profile figures in the party who are standing down from the Cosa Nostra at the General Election next month.

Speaking about his failure to develop a sports stadium despite spending multiples of tax payers’ money on it, the loveable Drumcondra crim said “Unfortunately, when I see little countries like Qatar and Kuwait and everyone in the World Cup talking about their tent stadiums, and we never succeeded in getting one national stadium,” he told RTÉ radio. “That’s an achievement I tried hard to do but I did have a tent”

“You wouldn’t see the leaders of those places puttin up wid all these whingers and moaners trying to get on the telly and radio complaining about the government neither” said the man who once described himself as “The last limb severing Saudi prince in the

Irish politics is in shock and disarray today following the release of a US diplomatic cable quoting then-Taoiseach Bertie Ahern and giving the opinion that the words uttered by the much-loved trickster were “substantively incapable of being proved to be one hundred percent false”.

The unnamed member of the US diplomatic corps sent a report on a high level meeting with the anoraked cash enthusiast in Fagan’s of Drumcondra. In the course of the conversation Ahern is said to have alleged that Sinn Fein leaders Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness were “aware” of the IRA. This only one of the more shocking of several things Ahern is alleged to had said. Other assertions made by the North Dublin Envelopolgist included:

• Mr. Ahern’s belief that Ireland is a luckocracy
• Mr. Ahern’s belief that there is a link between Christmas and annual sharp decline in the turkey population
• Mr. Ahern’s belief in Mr. Ahern

Bertie Ahern Presents George W Bush With An Irish Money Bush

The cable gives the opinion that Mr. Ahern poses no potential threat to US interests in the region but that he represents a clear and present danger to Ireland’s interests. It also recommends that the US security authorities give clearance to Mr. Ahern to present then US President George W Bush with and example of one of the small “money bushes” where Mr. Ahern believed at the time Ireland’s “wealth” was coming from.

For THIS man

Following a hugely scientific text poll to Liveline it has emerged that the majority of Irish citizens are in favour of the assisted suicide of acting Taoiseach Brian Potatohead, even his former boss, on the grounds that he has talked down the economy.

Previous Liveline polls have proved the link between atheism and death, the existence of poltergeists, and have revealed that “we don’t like the look of those teenagers”.

Justice Minister Dermot Ahern pictured earlier today

Opposition spokesmen have strongly criticised a proposal by borders looney Dermot Ahern to increase ATM charges as a means of preventing so called ‘tiger’ kidnappings of family members of bank officials.

“This government has unreservedly done everything it can to keep money out of the hands of the citizen in the street” Mr Ahern told reporters from the top of his state of the art minaret in Dundalk “but plainly more must be done” he concluded.

In effect, Mr Ahern’s proposal to prevent bank robberies is not to put an end to current practices which make bank employees targets. He has had the excellent wheeze to charge people more money for withdrawing money that they have already lent* to the banks, ehhhhh…. from…..the banks.

With such brilliance at cabinet it cannot be long before the tiger once again roars.

* at gunpoint while being patronised by a bunch of corrupt, inept, drunk solicitors, teachers, publicans and farmers who appear to think that running the country is a rewarding part time job

Have-a-Go crim “Bertie”

Residents in the north Dublin suburb of Drumcondra have been warned to exercise extra vigilence of their belongings following recent sightings of cheeky local ‘have-a-go’ con man Bertie Ahern – this time in far off Dubai.

An internet video of the loveable crim has surfaced showing him using his trademark mangled english to extoll the sturdiness of Dubai’s economy – barely a week later, that economy was revealed to be in ruins – believed to have disappeared into Bertie’s magical carpetbag.

Organisers of the event to promote Dubai on the world stage, local residents Sheikh Nik El Eeson and Leh Man al Bruthers broke down when they told The Emergency’s Breaking News Desk of their losses. “We all expected a few items to go missing from his hotel suite” Sheikh El Eeson said; “Soaps, showercaps, television sets, bedspreads – all of these we are used to, but this…this…what is the Irish word for him? Yes by the Profit! He is a shitehawk – this shitehawk has buggered us all with his financial jinx. He is an evil dji’in”

Leh Man al Bruthers was inconsolable; “Who will pay for the 1000s of cubic tonnes of snow that the Profit expects to adorn the rockery in my wadi? Who will drive me to public beheadings and loppings? Not ‘Lucky One-Stumped’ Abdul my chauffeur. Poor Lucky had only just escaped another lopping for a minor traffic offence and now I must lay him off to starve, leaving me with no option but to scowl impotently at my hangar full of Bentleys and Daimlers. The Profit has deserted us…in our….desert”.

This live performance of The 2009 Grand Bank Nationalisation sketch formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009.
Read more »

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has denied that his legacy has been wiped out by the current economic crisis.

In an interview at the weekend which left thousands of Newstalk listeners emotionally damaged, caused 400 to choke and forced a Kerry pensioner to inadvertently mail himself to his brother in Nairobi, Mr Ahern, a sports journalist and amateur politician, also claimed that the Irish housing bubble had not made the current crisis worse here.

“There has always been bubbles, there always will be bubbles. You can’t run a decent sized communal bath without bubbles,” declared Ahern (13) who seemed at times confused and malevolent.

Mr. Ahern also refuted accusations that he was in any way to blame for the recession, saying that politicians could only be held responsible for stuff that happened when they were in power, or at least only when caught rapid.

Mr. Ahern reportedly earns a modest fortune lecturing on The Celtic Tiger, for which he claims to be responsible up to the point it fell on it’s stripey arse. Additionally he has been to loads of football games which qualifies him to write about it in the highly regarded biodegradeable chip wrapper, News Of The Chests.