He did the state some service

Wednesday, November 27th, 2013
Tom Gilmartin

Tom Gilmartin at Dublin Castle, prior to giving evidence to the Mahon tribunal. Photo by The Irish Times.

 

‘It truly grieved him, as the son of a man who fought for his country’s independence, to see the sacrifices of his father’s generation discarded by lesser men.’

Tom Gilmartin jnr, at the funeral mass of his father.

 

 

Read Miriam Lord in the Irish Times.

Photo.

Spire To Make Way For New Monument

Saturday, November 9th, 2013
Artist's impression of "Justice Delayed" by Robert Kempton-Temple

Artist’s impression of “Justice Delayed” by Robert Kempton-Temple

The Spire in Dublin’s O’Connell Street is to be replaced next year by a new monument commemorating the brave and entirely understandable actions of an ordinary citizen who last night used a crutch to confront Disgraced Former Taoiseach and Current Sponger Bertie Ahern in a bar near the Abbey Theatre

The new monument called “Justice Delayed” (artist’s impression above) is to be commenced next year under the eye of artist Robert Kempton-Temple. “The design will remain unaltered, unless someone manages to ram a wheelchair up the thieving bastard’s hoop in the meantime” Mr Kempton-Temple told The Emergency, admitting that such an event would provide a considerable redesign challenge

Bad Loser Bertie (Broadcast on 4fm 18.03.11)

Friday, March 18th, 2011

In which Bertie Ahern learns of the loss of his car and driver and does not feel good about it.
Read more »

Play

Bertie and Burlusconi (Broadcast on 4fm 17.02.2011)

Thursday, February 17th, 2011

In which Silvio Burlusconi seeks the advice of Bertie Ahern.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 17th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

 

 

Play

Dáil Not “Getting Any Dáil-ier” As Bertie Bows Out

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

Iar Taoiseach Bertie Ahern gamboling and frolicking in the specially constructed pension(s) vault under his , Beresford, Drumcondra home

Former taoiseach Bertie Ahern left them rolling with laughter in the dole queues saying today that he wished “somebody somewhere” had warned him about the looming economic catastrophe while he was in power.

On his last ever full day in the Dáil, Mr Ahern also listed his failed attempt to build a national sports stadium – nicknamed the Bertie Bowl – among his biggest regrets because nothing distracts idiots like a match somewhere.

The former MaFFianna Fáil don is among a string of high-profile figures in the party who are standing down from the Cosa Nostra at the General Election next month.

Speaking about his failure to develop a sports stadium despite spending multiples of tax payers’ money on it, the loveable Drumcondra crim said “Unfortunately, when I see little countries like Qatar and Kuwait and everyone in the World Cup talking about their tent stadiums, and we never succeeded in getting one national stadium,” he told RTÉ radio. “That’s an achievement I tried hard to do but I did have a tent”

“You wouldn’t see the leaders of those places puttin up wid all these whingers and moaners trying to get on the telly and radio complaining about the government neither” said the man who once described himself as “The last limb severing Saudi prince in the

WikiLeaks Cable Reveals Possible Shock Link Between Bertie Ahern And Truth

Monday, December 13th, 2010

Irish politics is in shock and disarray today following the release of a US diplomatic cable quoting then-Taoiseach Bertie Ahern and giving the opinion that the words uttered by the much-loved trickster were “substantively incapable of being proved to be one hundred percent false”.

The unnamed member of the US diplomatic corps sent a report on a high level meeting with the anoraked cash enthusiast in Fagan’s of Drumcondra. In the course of the conversation Ahern is said to have alleged that Sinn Fein leaders Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness were “aware” of the IRA. This only one of the more shocking of several things Ahern is alleged to had said. Other assertions made by the North Dublin Envelopolgist included:

  • Mr. Ahern’s belief that Ireland is a luckocracy
  • Mr. Ahern’s belief that there is a link between Christmas and annual sharp decline in the turkey population
  • Mr. Ahern’s belief in Mr. Ahern
Bertie Ahern Presents George W Bush With An Irish Money Bush

Bertie Ahern Presents George W Bush With An Irish Money Bush

The cable gives the opinion that Mr. Ahern poses no potential threat to US interests in the region but that he represents a clear and present danger to Ireland’s interests. It also recommends that the US security authorities give clearance to Mr. Ahern to present then US President George W Bush with and example of one of the small “money bushes” where Mr. Ahern believed at the time Ireland’s “wealth” was coming from.

Overwhelming Majority In Favour Of Assisted Suicide

Friday, September 17th, 2010

For THIS man

Following a hugely scientific text poll to Liveline it has emerged that the majority of Irish citizens are in favour of the assisted suicide of acting Taoiseach Brian Potatohead, even his former boss, on the grounds that he has talked down the economy.

Previous Liveline polls have proved the link between atheism and death, the existence of poltergeists, and have revealed that “we don’t like the look of those teenagers”.

Ahern Still Coming Up With “The Crazy”

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

Justice Minister Dermot Ahern pictured earlier today

Opposition spokesmen have strongly criticised a proposal by borders looney Dermot Ahern to increase ATM charges as a means of preventing so called ‘tiger’ kidnappings of family members of bank officials.

“This government has unreservedly done everything it can to keep money out of the hands of the citizen in the street” Mr Ahern told reporters from the top of his state of the art minaret in Dundalk “but plainly more must be done” he concluded.

In effect, Mr Ahern’s proposal to prevent bank robberies is not to put an end to current practices which make bank employees targets. He has had the excellent wheeze to charge people more money for withdrawing money that they have already lent* to the banks, ehhhhh…. from…..the banks.

With such brilliance at cabinet it cannot be long before the tiger once again roars.

* at gunpoint while being patronised by a bunch of corrupt, inept, drunk solicitors, teachers, publicans and farmers who appear to think that running the country is a rewarding part time job

Bertie Goes Middle East – Mediaeval Society Now Has Matching Economy Shock!

Sunday, November 29th, 2009

bertie bang bang
Have-a-Go crim “Bertie”

Residents in the north Dublin suburb of Drumcondra have been warned to exercise extra vigilence of their belongings following recent sightings of cheeky local ‘have-a-go’ con man Bertie Ahern – this time in far off Dubai.

An internet video of the loveable crim has surfaced showing him using his trademark mangled english to extoll the sturdiness of Dubai’s economy – barely a week later, that economy was revealed to be in ruins – believed to have disappeared into Bertie’s magical carpetbag.

Organisers of the event to promote Dubai on the world stage, local residents Sheikh Nik El Eeson and Leh Man al Bruthers broke down when they told The Emergency’s Breaking News Desk of their losses. “We all expected a few items to go missing from his hotel suite” Sheikh El Eeson said; “Soaps, showercaps, television sets, bedspreads – all of these we are used to, but this…this…what is the Irish word for him? Yes by the Profit! He is a shitehawk – this shitehawk has buggered us all with his financial jinx. He is an evil dji’in”

Leh Man al Bruthers was inconsolable; “Who will pay for the 1000s of cubic tonnes of snow that the Profit expects to adorn the rockery in my wadi? Who will drive me to public beheadings and loppings? Not ‘Lucky One-Stumped’ Abdul my chauffeur. Poor Lucky had only just escaped another lopping for a minor traffic offence and now I must lay him off to starve, leaving me with no option but to scowl impotently at my hangar full of Bentleys and Daimlers. The Profit has deserted us…in our….desert”.

The Emergency Live @ The Electric Picnic: The 2009 Grand Bank Nationalisation

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

This live performance of The 2009 Grand Bank Nationalisation sketch formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009.
Read more »