Morgan Jones has uploaded this video for the Carmody And Jones single “Not Doing Any Time”, available free here from this web site.

The European Commission has “temporarily approved” further cash injections in struggling gentleman’s club Anglo Irish.

NEW LOOK AT ARNOTT’S: Anglo Irish Gentleman’s Club Grand Whackmaster Ronán O’Slippery – Bogpig arrives to man the tills at Arnott’s early this morning.

The Commission has said the further capital injection is necessary to ensure global confidence among world gentleman in the continued gentlemanly corpulence in the Anglo Irish club. However the Commission has wanred that this a temporary decision pending its full assessment of a restructuring plan for Anglo Irish Gentleman’s club.

The plan is believed to include a drastic cutback in access to the humidor, a ban on members playing “thrash the prole” in the Big Elk Room and a 50% reduction in golf accessories and Bollinger allowances. The latter will see members scraping by on a magnum a day during the week.

Along with Ulsterbank, Anglo has also assumed control of Dublin Department Store Arnott’s. Anglo Grand Whackmasters have poo-poohed criticism of their lack of experience in the retail sector, pointing out that for some time recently Anglo was capable of selling the idea that it was an actual bank with real money and everything and so can probably sell knockdown twinsets on the high street without too much bother.

The Chairman Designate of Anglo Irish Bank, former Fine Gael Minister For Finance, freelance Crazy Old Coot and keen amateur sitarist, Alan Dukes, has confirmed that the bank may be “floated off” in the future.

Mister Dukes, who hinted recently that he might get a crack at various outlandish plans for the utterly disgraced and banjaxed bank (see The Emergency Breaking News 04.03.2010) , has told The Emergency that it is possible to see circumstances where the bank could be floated up: way way up into the clear blue skies of forever.

"Just because Anglo is a black hole sucking the bite out of the mouths of Irish citizens as we speak right now," quipped Mr. Dukes in a specially convened smoking area in the corner of Stephen’s Green this morning, "Doesn’t mean that at some stage am even dafter old coot – say Garret Fitzgerald for example – might light a fire under the bank, forcing me to decide whether to save the bank or an exotic almost-extinct former Taoiseach. I don’t need to tell you I’d barely pause to put me butt before I lashed out the helium".

French President Nicolas Sarkaztique revealed a radical plan to cope with the financial and banking crisis currently gripping the EU, it has emerged. In private sessions at the recent meeting of EU leaders he put forward the idea of aggregating the estimated €20 trillion of European bad bank debt and creating a special bank to carry it all.

The bank will be called “Ireland”.

In a further stroke of genius the French and German governments have also suggested that rather than merely operating as a “Bad Bank” this concept could be widened into an entirely new instrument, th “Bad Country”. As the “Bad Country” of Europe, Ireland could also take on EU unemployment, poverty, racial tension and all but the top 7 or 8 football clubs from each country.

“Ze capacity of Irlande to put up zis sheet is legendary,” said President Sarkaztique, speaking in a comedy French accent from his fur-lined pied-a-terre in Montmartre this morning. “All srew ‘er ‘istory she ‘as shown ‘erself to be ze most adpet of all European nations at being the sous-chien, ze ‘ow you say “underdog”? Also we see by ze way she ‘as blown ‘er sheet completement when sings went well in ze period of ze Celtique Tigeur. She just can’t ‘andle eet. But wallowing in ze merde, in zis she is wizout equal, she is magnifique.”

The bad debt, poor social conditions and crap football of Europe would be gradually discharged in this way over a twenty year period, following which Germany would fix the roads, restore and glaze the castles and use Ireland as it’s offical “Spaßaffe” (“Fun Monkey”).

The former chairman of Anglo Irish Thieves, Sean FitzBorrows is refusing to appear in front of the Dáil Committee on Regulated Thievery to explain loans of millions of euro to him by Anglo Irish and by Irish Life & Purloinment. Mr Fitzborrows’ spokesgoon has said that he has been advised by his lawyers not to appear before the committee to answer questions publicly as this would mean that everyone would know what had happened.

It is common practise in the world of Regulated Thievery for many millions to be moved around in this fashion according to the spokesgoon, and it is not in the interests of “anyone who matters a feck to us” to know why, when, where or how much is involved.

Early trading on the Irish Magic Bean Exchange this morning again saw heavy losses in irish Thievery Stock, following the downgrading of Ireland to “Pretty Much F*cked” by the influentital Knackered and Poor.