The European Commission has “temporarily approved” further cash injections in struggling gentleman’s club Anglo Irish.

NEW LOOK AT ARNOTT’S: Anglo Irish Gentleman’s Club Grand Whackmaster Ronán O’Slippery – Bogpig arrives to man the tills at Arnott’s early this morning.

The Commission has said the further capital injection is necessary to ensure global confidence among world gentleman in the continued gentlemanly corpulence in the Anglo Irish club. However the Commission has wanred that this a temporary decision pending its full assessment of a restructuring plan for Anglo Irish Gentleman’s club.

The plan is believed to include a drastic cutback in access to the humidor, a ban on members playing “thrash the prole” in the Big Elk Room and a 50% reduction in golf accessories and Bollinger allowances. The latter will see members scraping by on a magnum a day during the week.

Along with Ulsterbank, Anglo has also assumed control of Dublin Department Store Arnott’s. Anglo Grand Whackmasters have poo-poohed criticism of their lack of experience in the retail sector, pointing out that for some time recently Anglo was capable of selling the idea that it was an actual bank with real money and everything and so can probably sell knockdown twinsets on the high street without too much bother.

The former head of systemically important cesspit, Anglo Irish Bank, Mr. Sean FitzPension has been declared bankrupt after it became clear that the current heads of Anglo would not accept an alternative deal put to creditors by Mr FitzPensions Hired Goons.

Under the proposed deal, Mr FitzPension offered half his pension, the deeds to Crumlin & Kimmage and use of both the top hat and little dog pieces to creditors as part payment. However although some creditors were keen on this arrangement, Anglo said it did not believe it would get back any more of the €110 million owed to it under the proposed deal and insisted that anyway it had seen Mr FitzPension palming an extra 200 last time he passed go. A last ditch offer from FitzPensions Goons under which he would agree to hand back the tenner he won in a rigged beauty contest failed to move the new Anglo shitepilots and the Goons gave up and upended the board on the way out to the kitchen to make tea and sulk.

At no stage did Mr. FitzPension put his Get Out Of Jail Free Card on the table.

The cabinet met to discuss it’s options in light of two damning reports into the banking crisis which they were treated to a sneak preview of today.

It is thought that the acting Taoiseach and his lieutenants favour fleeing to Argentina on the top secret Government U-Boat the LE Dev.

Then again, they’d have to have some semblance of shame and a genuine fear of actual retribution so it’ll just be off on the piss as usual.

Former Anglo Irish Bank chairman Seán FitzPatrick preparing to jump to hyperspace

Former Anglo Irish Bank chairman Seán FitzPatrick, who was released from Garda custody yesterday after almost twenty four whole hours of questioning, is taking measures to protect himself from his personal creditors, The Emergency has learned.

The most significant mechanism available to Mr FitzPatrick to shield himself from creditors is his use of some of the millions of euros of misappropriated money he loaned himself while CEO of Anglo to purchase a Tardis or other such time machine which will allow him to travel back in time to lend significant amounts of money to politicians and other bankers thus ensuring his immunity in our time as he will then know where all the bodies are buried – a rarely used protective measure under bankruptcy law.
Read more »

Gardai have finally arrested Sean FitzPatrick, the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo

In a bizarre move, the celebratory parade was held yesterday.

Shady Seanie indicating his preferred length of time in jail

Hard pressed directors of NAMA have been saved from death by a 70% pay increase, 3 months after their appointment. The Minister For Finance defended the emergency payment in the face of stupid opposition cat calls.

"Tibbles": NAMA Director-owned Ocelot Whose Death Has Been Narrowly Avoided

"It has become clear that the fee we originally set for the Chairman of NAMA (€100k) would not be sufficient to maintain the level of larks’ tongue consumption which international class bankers have an absolute right to expect," explained Mr. Lenihan. "After all if you want to manage €54 billion in assets, you can’t be expected to do it on an empty stomach, or without at least a moderate level of ermine".

The increased fees are being blamed on the fact that there would be more work for the directors of NAMA to do than had originally been thought to be the case. However officials have assured The Emergency that this is a one off arrangement and that the whole business will be over by Christmas. We were given this in writing and have in our hand the piece of paper signed this morning in Merrion Square and promising credit in our time.

The Chairman Designate of Anglo Irish Bank, former Fine Gael Minister For Finance, freelance Crazy Old Coot and keen amateur sitarist, Alan Dukes, has confirmed that the bank may be “floated off” in the future.

Mister Dukes, who hinted recently that he might get a crack at various outlandish plans for the utterly disgraced and banjaxed bank (see The Emergency Breaking News 04.03.2010) , has told The Emergency that it is possible to see circumstances where the bank could be floated up: way way up into the clear blue skies of forever.

"Just because Anglo is a black hole sucking the bite out of the mouths of Irish citizens as we speak right now," quipped Mr. Dukes in a specially convened smoking area in the corner of Stephen’s Green this morning, "Doesn’t mean that at some stage am even dafter old coot – say Garret Fitzgerald for example – might light a fire under the bank, forcing me to decide whether to save the bank or an exotic almost-extinct former Taoiseach. I don’t need to tell you I’d barely pause to put me butt before I lashed out the helium".

Laid back banker and former politician Alan Dukes has proposed that Anglo Irish Bank could be reinvented as a “Third Banking Force” owned by the government and giving loans to business.

Banking Guru & Amateur Sitarist, Alan Dukes

Speaking on Pat Kenny’s light-hearted radio programme "Chuckles With Pat" this morning, Mr. Dukes pointed out that we need expertise in the property area to manage the NAMA properties and rebuild the property business which collapsed partly because of experts in the property area and partly because there was a Third Banking Force lending pretend money to build floating moon castles and other vital social infrastructure.

This live performance of The 2009 Grand Bank Nationalisation sketch formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009.
Read more »

The Taoiseach has arrived at Ballybritt raceourse and demanded that everyone cooperate fully with legisltion on NAMA, the body being set up to establish the right to debt of the unborn in Irleland.

“This should not be cynically used as an opportunity to examine or improve legislation by opposition members in the Dail,” said Mr. Cowen in the saddling enclosure. “The time for that sort of luxuriating in pointless debate is not now, but in the future, when I’m dead”.

Mr. Cowen was narrowly defeated in the subsquent race.