Hey There Handsome! Ireland Is Open For Business

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011

IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS....what that really means

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

Quinn Insurance – We Let The Little Things Look After The Big Thing

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

QUINN GAMBLING INSURANCE...now with even MORE benefits for everyone

By everyone, we mean of course US and not YOU. Got it? Good. Now….GET OFF MY LAND PEASANTS!

Grand Bank Nationalisation (Broadcast on 4fm 04.04.11)

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

The runners and riders line up for The 2011 Grand Bank Nationalisation, the Peter O’Sullivans are all in position round the course… and they’re off!!! “Over to you, Peter…!”

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Lenihan Allays New Power Fears By Hiding What He’s Doing

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

The Acting Minister For Finance, Brian Lenihan, has successfully applied for a court hearing concerning “a financial institutuion” to be held in camera, as it dealt with matters of “extreme commercial sensitivity” under new powers contained in the controversial Credit Institutions (Secretiveness) Act 2010. The Act was recently signed after the President had a “good hard look” at it.

Brian "The Stare" Lenihan

Acting Finance Minster Brian Lenhian With New Special Eyes Granted To Him Under The Recent Credit Institutions Act 2010

Mr. Lenihan, who has been fitted with special eyes under the act to help him see things in a special, secret way, said that this should now silence all the act’s detractors who claimed it gave too much power to the Minister For Finance. New powers given to the minister include:

  • The ability to move assets
  • The ability to act against the wishes of shareholders in an institution
  • The ability to choose menus, stationery and soft furnishings without consulting a chef or interior designer
  • The ability to replace some or all board members of the boards of financial institutions with cardboard cutouts or small soft toys such as badgers, dogs or otters
  • The ability to hide stuff in the cupboards
  • The ability to leap tall stories in a single bound

However Mr. Lenihan insisted fears were groundless now. “There is no need for concern about the act or the powers it gives me,” he explained, “because as you can now see I intend to hide everything in a locked room. At this time of difficulty for us all I have no intention of bothering people with anything I can hide, ignore or present incorrectly as the opposite of what it is in the National Interest. Move along now nothing to see here”.

AIB Executive Chairman Claims €40,000,000 Bonuses Are From “The Past”

Thursday, December 9th, 2010

AIB’s Executive Chairman David Hassomeneck, has explained that the payment of bonuses to a number of employees is not actually happening now but is a reflection of the past.

“There is a time-space anomaly, which has occurred in a fridge in the kitchen at AIB Head Office,” he explained earlier today, “and inevitably large and un-returnable sums of money occasionally fall through it from the past and into the present pockets of bankers. It’s a quantumy, string-theory kinda thing”.

AIB Bonus Fridge

A Fridge At AIB HQ In Which A Time-Space Anomaly Has Occurred Which Forces Un-returnable Cash Bonuses Into The Pockets Of Bankers From The Past

Leading cosmologists have rushed to back the AIB Exec. Chairman. Professor Hans Industrygoonstein, an economist and cosmologist at AIB, has confirmed that there is absolutely nothing that can be done under these circumstances. He admitted that in theory “if you apply a massive amount of anti-force to a theoretical point which is simultaneously everywhere and nothing, you could possibly reverse this”. However he claimed that “the energies unleashed would utterly destroy not just Ireland but the entire known universe”. Professor Industrygoonstein confirmed that this is partly to do with quarks, but mostly because the space-time-bonus anomaly is id “Systemic Importance” to the Irish economy.

Already many have suggested that since the laws of physics will not allow these bonuses to be prevented, it might be nice if the recipients gave some or all of the money to charity. However a spokesbanker explained the obstacles to this happening in a statement received by The Emergency just minutes ago which read:

“Ha hah!”

New name For Anglo Irish Bank Is Start Of Major Recovery Rebranding

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Anglo Irish Bank is to be renamed to make things nicer. The new entity will focus solely on recovering loans and will not have a funding arm. “That was always a load of bollox”, confirmed Anglo Chairman, Alan “Smokey” Dukes earlier today.

Mr. Dukes said that the name for the new bank was not yet confirmed but that “Fluffy” and “Pixie Gold Palace” were among the front-runners. Dukes himself will remain in charge but will no longer be known as chairman. Instead the former Fine Gael leader will most likely be known as “Fluffykins” or “Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk”.

Alan Dukes (Lord Twinkletoes)

Alan Dukes, aka Fluffykins, aka Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk

The Emergency has learned that this is just the first in a number of rebranding exercises connnected with the the IMIF/EU bailout. In secret meetings, out of which Joe Higgins was invited to walk but refused, EU Commisioner Olli Rehn is said to have insisted that Ireland’s budget deficit be renamed “The Jennifer”. It is not expected that this will reduce the deficit significantly, but is seen in the context of an EU-wide policy of making stuff sound prettier.

Dáil Éireann will also be rebranded and it is thought that initially it will switch its focus to opening supermarkets, then later focus on appearances at children’s parties before slowly being wound down altogether. It will be replaced by a live feed from Germany and an amusing bawdy bartender.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has denied that any of this is true which has led to widespread confidence that it is all completely true.

Chopra: IMF ArseWidget Will Track Irish Behaviour

Monday, November 29th, 2010

AJ Chopra, high-ranking executive of the multi-trillion dollar philanthropical cabal the IMF, has said that the deal sealed over the weekend between the IMF, the EU, the ECB and a polular Kildare Street Social And Drinking Club, will lock down Irish Victimhood well into the next decade.

The plan, which light-hearted commentators have dubbed a “Rescue Plan”, includes innovative measures such as giving away all Ireland’s savings, burning a sizeable portion of the Pension Reserves and wearing a funny leprechaun costume in public.

AJ Chopra

Chopra: 'Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha'

But this welcome relief comes at a price, as the IMF will be able to monitor the behaviour of all Irish citizens on a daily basis. A small implant, the innovative IMF “ArseWidget” will be inserted into all Irish citizens. The ArseWidget will feed back vital data such as the location, earnings, potato consumption and weight of each individual. If sufficient citizens are deemed to be “not trying hard enough”, the IMF may withold one or many trenches of the promised indebtedness. The data will be analysed by evil officials in white jumpsuits in the IMF HQ hidden within an enormous fake mountain in the South Pacific.

Acting Taoiseach and Chug-master of the Kildare Street Social & Drinking Club, Brian Cowen, has assured Irish citizens that this deal will now give final closure on the crisis and that Ireland will be able to move slowly back to growth. The Victim Consolidation Plan, he claimed, contains a number of measures to stimulate growth, including praying, waiting, hoping and hiding. The Acting Taoiseach pointed out that the IMF ArseWidget was developed in Ireland and will be manufactured in Shannon by a high tech smart economy boffin.

Video For Free Download Single “Not Doing Any Time”

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

Morgan Jones has uploaded this video for the Carmody And Jones single “Not Doing Any Time”, available free here from this web site.

Humourous Scenes As Fingleton “Forgets” To Mention €27 Million Pension

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010

Former Irish Nationwide boss Michael “You’ve Gotta Have A Pension Or Three” Fingleton caused warm chuckles in the Commercial Court yesterday when he plumb forgot to mention a pension fund of € 27,000,000 when listing his assets. Fingleton’s counsel smiled, rolled his eyes and explained “Sheesh! Fingers would forget his own head if it wasn’t in his wife’s name”.

Beardy Japester Michael Fingleton

Lovable Beardy Japester Michael Fingleton

Justice Peter Kelly slapped his thigh with his gavel, the tears rolling down his face and tutted affectionately as he made a summary judgment of € 13, 600, 000 in unpaid loans with the Ulster Bank.

It emerged during the hearing that Fingleton’s asset include apartments, houses, 250,000 shirts off at least 135,000 individual backs, sites and a valuable novelty beard believed to have belonged to the Romanovs in the last century.

Lenihan Believes Irish Banking Can Be Restored To Former Greatness

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

The Minister For Financial Ruin, Mr. Brian “The Stare” Lenihan, has claimed that the €50 billion bailout of the banks by Irish citizens will be worth it when Irish banking is restored to its “former greatness”.

Brian "The Stare" Lenihan
Brian Lenihan Looks The Country In The Eye

A spokesperson for The Irish People welcomed this clarification in a statement written on cardboard and tied around his neck in a doorway on Molesworth Street earlier this morning.

The statement from The Irish People reads:

“We are very sorry for ever doubting your intentions, Mr Lenihan, sorr. Begorrah and it’s the gentleman ye are for to be taking the spittle out of our childer’s mouth for to lubricate the bollix of the banks as they shin back up the razor blade of ignomony to their Former Greatness. Any chance of an aul twig to build a rudimentary shelter for the night cos the gutters is fairly overcrowded this weather and no harm to ye?”

Meanwhile a spokesvampire from the banking sector has also welcomed the minister’s support. “During our Former Greatness we overcharged, evaded tax, lent ourselves money to lend back to ourselves and generally acted the maggot in a way which became a template for the world,” the spokesvampire explained at a press conference in the Central Crypt in Dublin this morning. “Now we have lost the respect of all the international brothers in bloodsucking, but with this generous donation on behalf of the next few generations we feel we can back on the pig in no time flat”.

Meanwhile the EU has again warned that Ireland must have a forty year budget plan, scrap low corporate tax and get back into its box. Construction work on the box has been halted due to lack of funding.