Noonan hails Irish citizens as “Heroes”

Friday, December 13th, 2013
"The Irish people are the real heroes and heroines of the bailout" - Reichschancellor Noonan

“The Irish people are the real heroes and heroines of the bailout” – Reichschancellor Noonan

The Reichschancellor for Finance Michael Noonan has hailed the Irish people as the real heroes of the bailout. Mr Noonan made his comments as he marked the official end of the bailout which will continue to blight the Irish people for decades. Luckily now that they are officially heroes they will spend the time paying for the now non-existent bailout in their top secret hero caves and fortresses heated by their x-ray vision.

Mr Noonan, a qualified secondary school teacher from Limerick today said that the Irish people are the ‘real heroes and heroines’ of the bailout exit as they had borne the brunt of the programme, which he said had seen the government take 270 different actions across the board, but not one action against any boardroom.

Hey There Handsome! Ireland Is Open For Business

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS

IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS....what that really means

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

Quinn Insurance – We Let The Little Things Look After The Big Thing

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

QUINN GAMBLING INSURANCE...now with even MORE benefits for everyone


By everyone, we mean of course US and not YOU. Got it? Good. Now….GET OFF MY LAND PEASANTS!

Post Stress Test Disorder (Broadcast on 4fm 01.04.11)

Friday, April 1st, 2011

The Taoiseach and the Minister for Finance seek to reassure the Irish people in the wake of the devastating results of the stress tests on the Irish banks.

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Enda Kenny And The Dáil Sing “What I Want” (Broadcast on 4fm 28.03.11)

Monday, March 28th, 2011

Prompted by a question to the Taoiseach from Sinn Féin Leader, Gerry Adams, Enda Kenny is joined by Michael, Noonan, Micheál Martin, Eamon Gilmore, Joe Higgins, Luke Ming Flanagan and eventually by everybody as the Dáil descends into song.

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Extreme Negotiation (Broadcast on 4fm 24.03.11)

Thursday, March 24th, 2011

In which Enda Kenny, Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy get down to some serious negotiation. Someone gets hurt.
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IMF Surprise Visit “Only To Scare You” – Chopra

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

Finance Minister Michael “Noonie” Noonan is to hold a meeting with IMF boss Ajai “Chopper” Chopra today. Mr Chopra’s surprise visit ahead of a full review meeting in a few week’s time has been described by the IMF as being “purely to frighten the living crap out of the new administration” and the organisation has assured Ireland that it is “no more sinister than usual. Heh-heh-heh…”.

Chopra Reassurance: IMIF Visit "No More Sinister Than Usual"

The IMF is said to be concerned at “slippage” in key commitments under the terms of the bailout including:

  • Failure to chuck a further €10,000,000 into the gaping bottomless maw of the banks
  • The intention of the new Fine Gael / Labour government to do a u-turn on the minimum wage
  • The failure of Ireland to deliver on a promise to be “less worser” for lent
  • No improvement in the weather here

Mr. Noonan says he is confident that the government can do a deal to improve the terms of the bailout for Ireland, but has warned that such confidence is in no way related to reality and is just a pleasant personality trait he has recently adopted.

Mr. Noonan has also said there will be no further capitalisation of the banks until stress tests are completed, and that there is no question of a change to Ireland’s corporate tax rates despite pressure from French and German politicians, and that Ireland is assured of winning the Grand Slam and the Cricket World Cup once the results of recent matches have been succesfully renegotiated by by the government.

Olli Rehn’s Piggs

Friday, February 25th, 2011

In which we meet Olli’s charming little Piggy Friends from around the EU and they meet their inevitable doom.

This is a web and podcast only presentation.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency at Waveform Studios.

 

 

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Acting Taoiseach Denies Leader’s Questions Took Place

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

The acting Taoiseach holding his breath “…until everyone leaves me alone”

The acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen today faced blistering cross examination during leaders’ questions in the Dáil over his contacts with disgraced banker Sean FitzPatrick

Speaking on the plinth afterwards Mr Coweringunderlies denied that any questioning of any nature took place. “I simply spent a number of hours in Leinster House in the company of others going forward. At no point in time were any questions asked of me, nor were any explanations offered. I refute you. I never asked to be born. I refute you all.”

Making sure to look indignant and wounded, Mr Cantbetruthful denied any impropriety on the part of Fianna Fail, insisting that the organisation is a society of friends with it's roots in charitable work, waste disposal and the importation of olive oil.

Pressed by reporters Mr Cowpig said that he was going to “…hold my breath until yiz all fuck off”.

New name For Anglo Irish Bank Is Start Of Major Recovery Rebranding

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Anglo Irish Bank is to be renamed to make things nicer. The new entity will focus solely on recovering loans and will not have a funding arm. “That was always a load of bollox”, confirmed Anglo Chairman, Alan “Smokey” Dukes earlier today.

Mr. Dukes said that the name for the new bank was not yet confirmed but that “Fluffy” and “Pixie Gold Palace” were among the front-runners. Dukes himself will remain in charge but will no longer be known as chairman. Instead the former Fine Gael leader will most likely be known as “Fluffykins” or “Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk”.

Alan Dukes (Lord Twinkletoes)

Alan Dukes, aka Fluffykins, aka Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk

The Emergency has learned that this is just the first in a number of rebranding exercises connnected with the the IMIF/EU bailout. In secret meetings, out of which Joe Higgins was invited to walk but refused, EU Commisioner Olli Rehn is said to have insisted that Ireland’s budget deficit be renamed “The Jennifer”. It is not expected that this will reduce the deficit significantly, but is seen in the context of an EU-wide policy of making stuff sound prettier.

Dáil Éireann will also be rebranded and it is thought that initially it will switch its focus to opening supermarkets, then later focus on appearances at children’s parties before slowly being wound down altogether. It will be replaced by a live feed from Germany and an amusing bawdy bartender.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has denied that any of this is true which has led to widespread confidence that it is all completely true.