Former Anglo Irish Bank chairman Seán FitzPatrick preparing to jump to hyperspace

Former Anglo Irish Bank chairman Seán FitzPatrick, who was released from Garda custody yesterday after almost twenty four whole hours of questioning, is taking measures to protect himself from his personal creditors, The Emergency has learned.

The most significant mechanism available to Mr FitzPatrick to shield himself from creditors is his use of some of the millions of euros of misappropriated money he loaned himself while CEO of Anglo to purchase a Tardis or other such time machine which will allow him to travel back in time to lend significant amounts of money to politicians and other bankers thus ensuring his immunity in our time as he will then know where all the bodies are buried – a rarely used protective measure under bankruptcy law.
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Gardai have finally arrested Sean FitzPatrick, the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo

In a bizarre move, the celebratory parade was held yesterday.

Shady Seanie indicating his preferred length of time in jail

The Chairman Designate of Anglo Irish Bank, former Fine Gael Minister For Finance, freelance Crazy Old Coot and keen amateur sitarist, Alan Dukes, has confirmed that the bank may be “floated off” in the future.

Mister Dukes, who hinted recently that he might get a crack at various outlandish plans for the utterly disgraced and banjaxed bank (see The Emergency Breaking News 04.03.2010) , has told The Emergency that it is possible to see circumstances where the bank could be floated up: way way up into the clear blue skies of forever.

"Just because Anglo is a black hole sucking the bite out of the mouths of Irish citizens as we speak right now," quipped Mr. Dukes in a specially convened smoking area in the corner of Stephen’s Green this morning, "Doesn’t mean that at some stage am even dafter old coot – say Garret Fitzgerald for example – might light a fire under the bank, forcing me to decide whether to save the bank or an exotic almost-extinct former Taoiseach. I don’t need to tell you I’d barely pause to put me butt before I lashed out the helium".

Laid back banker and former politician Alan Dukes has proposed that Anglo Irish Bank could be reinvented as a “Third Banking Force” owned by the government and giving loans to business.

Banking Guru & Amateur Sitarist, Alan Dukes

Speaking on Pat Kenny’s light-hearted radio programme "Chuckles With Pat" this morning, Mr. Dukes pointed out that we need expertise in the property area to manage the NAMA properties and rebuild the property business which collapsed partly because of experts in the property area and partly because there was a Third Banking Force lending pretend money to build floating moon castles and other vital social infrastructure.

This live performance of The 2009 Grand Bank Nationalisation sketch formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009.
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