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Jedward: “Oh My God!!! We, Like, Totally Asked Cowen To Get Fianna Fail Votes For Us On X Factor!!!!!”

Friday, January 14th, 2011

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen is not out of the woods yet. On top of former Anglo chief David Drumm’s allegations that he asked the NTMA to deposit money with Anglo Irish, it has now emerged that Jedward approached the Fianna Fail leader as early as Week Four of The X Factor in 2009 asking him to persuade members of Fianna Fail to vote for them. The Taoiseach had previously denied doing this, although he has admitted saying “Fair play to them, Ireland needs a lift, going forward” when questioned during Week Six in the Dail about the performances of the mental-haired twosome on the popular British horror show.

Jedward

Jedward

Jedward released a statement to The Emergency in the erarly hours of this morning with their version of events:

“Oh my God! brian Cowen ilke totally promised he’d get all those, like, politician guys in Fianna Fein, or Labour Gael, or, like whatever, to phone in and vite for us in like Week Four of the X Factor. We were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s like totally, like amaaaaaaazing!!!!!!!’, cos like that Ivor Callely guy is one of them, right? And he has like a million billion trillion phones just on his own!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However, Jedward did admit that this was just “some stuff we’re like saying?” and that there was no proof, it being just the word of a complete idiot against that of a pop duo.

Mary Byrne is a lovely woman altogether.

Emerging Photo Of Druid’s Glen Cowen Golf Party Suggests More Present Than So Far Admitted

Thursday, January 13th, 2011
Brian Cowen, The Board of Anglo, The Beatles and other notable Irish business golfers pictured at the 19th hole

Brian Cowen, The Board of Anglo, The Beatles and other notable Irish business golfers pictured at the 19th hole

Gormley: “We’re Not Sherlock Holmes, We’re Matlock”

Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

The leader of the Green Party has said that the party can find no evidence of wrongdoing in the reports about a golf game between Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and loveable niblick-wielder Seanie FitzPatrick.

John Matlock and Dan Gormley

Crime-figting nonogenerian John Gormley and radical political activist Dan Matlock

Mr. Gormley said he has asked the Department of Finance whether Fitzpatrick made any representations to it on behalf of Anglo and had been told that he did not. “That’s good enough for me, I can only go on what I’m told,” he explained at a press-speaking-at event earlier today. “I’m not Sherlock Holmes. I don’t smoke a pipe for one thing. Matlock. Yes, that’s it. I’m like a sort of Matlock character. Without the violence. And the uncovering of the truth.”

New name For Anglo Irish Bank Is Start Of Major Recovery Rebranding

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Anglo Irish Bank is to be renamed to make things nicer. The new entity will focus solely on recovering loans and will not have a funding arm. “That was always a load of bollox”, confirmed Anglo Chairman, Alan “Smokey” Dukes earlier today.

Mr. Dukes said that the name for the new bank was not yet confirmed but that “Fluffy” and “Pixie Gold Palace” were among the front-runners. Dukes himself will remain in charge but will no longer be known as chairman. Instead the former Fine Gael leader will most likely be known as “Fluffykins” or “Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk”.

Alan Dukes (Lord Twinkletoes)

Alan Dukes, aka Fluffykins, aka Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk

The Emergency has learned that this is just the first in a number of rebranding exercises connnected with the the IMIF/EU bailout. In secret meetings, out of which Joe Higgins was invited to walk but refused, EU Commisioner Olli Rehn is said to have insisted that Ireland’s budget deficit be renamed “The Jennifer”. It is not expected that this will reduce the deficit significantly, but is seen in the context of an EU-wide policy of making stuff sound prettier.

Dáil Éireann will also be rebranded and it is thought that initially it will switch its focus to opening supermarkets, then later focus on appearances at children’s parties before slowly being wound down altogether. It will be replaced by a live feed from Germany and an amusing bawdy bartender.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has denied that any of this is true which has led to widespread confidence that it is all completely true.

Lenihan Believes Irish Banking Can Be Restored To Former Greatness

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

The Minister For Financial Ruin, Mr. Brian “The Stare” Lenihan, has claimed that the €50 billion bailout of the banks by Irish citizens will be worth it when Irish banking is restored to its “former greatness”.

Brian "The Stare" Lenihan
Brian Lenihan Looks The Country In The Eye

A spokesperson for The Irish People welcomed this clarification in a statement written on cardboard and tied around his neck in a doorway on Molesworth Street earlier this morning.

The statement from The Irish People reads:

“We are very sorry for ever doubting your intentions, Mr Lenihan, sorr. Begorrah and it’s the gentleman ye are for to be taking the spittle out of our childer’s mouth for to lubricate the bollix of the banks as they shin back up the razor blade of ignomony to their Former Greatness. Any chance of an aul twig to build a rudimentary shelter for the night cos the gutters is fairly overcrowded this weather and no harm to ye?”

Meanwhile a spokesvampire from the banking sector has also welcomed the minister’s support. “During our Former Greatness we overcharged, evaded tax, lent ourselves money to lend back to ourselves and generally acted the maggot in a way which became a template for the world,” the spokesvampire explained at a press conference in the Central Crypt in Dublin this morning. “Now we have lost the respect of all the international brothers in bloodsucking, but with this generous donation on behalf of the next few generations we feel we can back on the pig in no time flat”.

Meanwhile the EU has again warned that Ireland must have a forty year budget plan, scrap low corporate tax and get back into its box. Construction work on the box has been halted due to lack of funding.

Anglo Irish Bank Record €8,200,000,000 Loss Explained

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

The Chairman of Anglo, Alan “The Ash Zombie” Dukes has beeen explaining to admirers the €8.2 billion loss by Anglo Irish Bank in the first 6 months of this year. The losses are the best ever by any Irish company, which Mr. Dukes points to as proof of Anglo’s contribution to Irish cultural life.

Alan Dukes - Anglo Haircut Worse Than Expected

Dukes: Worse-than-expected Haircut

The losses include “write-downs”, “haircuts”, “whoopsies” and “shit that just slipped down the back of the couch when the kids were messing about with it”.

Mr. Dukes insists that Anglo Irish Bank’s plan to create a small good bank will work, despite the fact that the ECB, many leading economists and the majority of dogs have pointed out the plan’s over-reliance on the existence of goblins, faeries and “a bottomless pit of gold”.

Anglo bosses will not say whether the €25 billion already given to the bank by the government will turn out to be sufficient but have issued a statement reading simply “Fingers crossed, lads  :-)”.

Dan Boyle: Greens Leaning Towards Policy Of Leaning Towards Things

Monday, August 30th, 2010

Green Party Chairman Dan Boyle, who owns the Twitter, today intimated that the Greens are “Leaning Towards” the policy of a quicker wind down of Anglo Irish “Bank”. Up to now the Greens have pursued a strict policy of “Teetering Towards” the government policy of keeping Anglo going at any cost whatsoever. However over the summer it is known that senior Green Party members openly discussed adopting a policy of either “Wavering” or “Wobbling”.

Green Party Chairman And Owner Of The Twitter Dan Boyle

There are unconfirmed reports that an associate of Mr. Boyle’s was heard at a meeting of wind enthusiasts claiming that in the last analysis the party might even adopt a policy of “Jumping Up And Down Three Times, Yipping Like A Poodle With A Chili Up Its Ass And Falling Accidentally Over The Edge Into The Abyss” unless government policy is amended at the upcoming meeting of the GreeFF cabinet.

In a statement Mr. Boyle said:

“It has always been the policy of the Green Party, and we have a proud and demonstrable record of this in not just one but many areas at …”

At which point the Green Chairman ran out of characters, shrugged, held up a placard reading “#biteme” and wandered off.

European Commission Approves More Cash For Anglo

Tuesday, August 10th, 2010

The European Commission has “temporarily approved” further cash injections in struggling gentleman’s club Anglo Irish.

An Anglo Irish Gentleman
NEW LOOK AT ARNOTT’S: Anglo Irish Gentleman’s Club Grand Whackmaster Ronán O’Slippery – Bogpig arrives to man the tills at Arnott’s early this morning.

The Commission has said the further capital injection is necessary to ensure global confidence among world gentleman in the continued gentlemanly corpulence in the Anglo Irish club. However the Commission has wanred that this a temporary decision pending its full assessment of a restructuring plan for Anglo Irish Gentleman’s club.

The plan is believed to include a drastic cutback in access to the humidor, a ban on members playing “thrash the prole” in the Big Elk Room and a 50% reduction in golf accessories and Bollinger allowances. The latter will see members scraping by on a magnum a day during the week.

Along with Ulsterbank, Anglo has also assumed control of Dublin Department Store Arnott’s. Anglo Grand Whackmasters have poo-poohed criticism of their lack of experience in the retail sector, pointing out that for some time recently Anglo was capable of selling the idea that it was an actual bank with real money and everything and so can probably sell knockdown twinsets on the high street without too much bother.

Former Anglo CEO Sean FitzPension Declared Bankrupt

Monday, July 12th, 2010

The former head of systemically important cesspit, Anglo Irish Bank, Mr. Sean FitzPension has been declared bankrupt after it became clear that the current heads of Anglo would not accept an alternative deal put to creditors by Mr FitzPensions Hired Goons.

Sean FitzPatrick Driving Away To Bankruptcy

Under the proposed deal, Mr FitzPension offered half his pension, the deeds to Crumlin & Kimmage and use of both the top hat and little dog pieces to creditors as part payment. However although some creditors were keen on this arrangement, Anglo said it did not believe it would get back any more of the €110 million owed to it under the proposed deal and insisted that anyway it had seen Mr FitzPension palming an extra 200 last time he passed go. A last ditch offer from FitzPensions Goons under which he would agree to hand back the tenner he won in a rigged beauty contest failed to move the new Anglo shitepilots and the Goons gave up and upended the board on the way out to the kitchen to make tea and sulk.

At no stage did Mr. FitzPension put his Get Out Of Jail Free Card on the table.