Anglo Irish Bank is to be renamed to make things nicer. The new entity will focus solely on recovering loans and will not have a funding arm. “That was always a load of bollox”, confirmed Anglo Chairman, Alan “Smokey” Dukes earlier today.

Mr. Dukes said that the name for the new bank was not yet confirmed but that “Fluffy” and “Pixie Gold Palace” were among the front-runners. Dukes himself will remain in charge but will no longer be known as chairman. Instead the former Fine Gael leader will most likely be known as “Fluffykins” or “Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk”.

Alan Dukes, aka Fluffykins, aka Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk

The Emergency has learned that this is just the first in a number of rebranding exercises connnected with the the IMIF/EU bailout. In secret meetings, out of which Joe Higgins was invited to walk but refused, EU Commisioner Olli Rehn is said to have insisted that Ireland’s budget deficit be renamed “The Jennifer”. It is not expected that this will reduce the deficit significantly, but is seen in the context of an EU-wide policy of making stuff sound prettier.

Dáil Éireann will also be rebranded and it is thought that initially it will switch its focus to opening supermarkets, then later focus on appearances at children’s parties before slowly being wound down altogether. It will be replaced by a live feed from Germany and an amusing bawdy bartender.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has denied that any of this is true which has led to widespread confidence that it is all completely true.

All the money’s gone, nowhere to go.

Anglo Irish Bank will be split into stand alone Money Pit and a Cash Vampire for Fianna Fail cronies, the Metaphor for The Economy said today.

The Money Pit, or so-called bad bank, will eventually be sold or its assets run down over a period of time.

The Cash Vampire is to be separated from Anglo’s loan assets and will be owned directly by the Metaphor for The Economy. It will not engage in any lending but will continue to accept and manage deposits.

This is a variation of the proposals from Anglo’s board. It wanted to split the bank into a 24/7 Party Yacht tentatively named the MV Aya Napa, which would have looked after the bank’s “lower quality” assets that remained after transfers to Nama were complete, and a VIP Blowjob Suite, which would manage the performing loans, retain the bank’s deposit funding and engage in new lending.

“Today’s decision by the Government will provide certainty about the future of Anglo Irish Bank. Resolution of this, our most distressed institution, is essential to the promotion of confidence and stability in our financial system,” Metaphor for The Economy Brian Lenihan said in a statement.

Anglo’s safety is beside the point however, due to the State’s ensured insolvency due to the “ebb and flow” of the markets so cheerfully disregarded by the acting Taoiseach yesterday

The Chairman of Anglo, Alan “The Ash Zombie” Dukes has beeen explaining to admirers the €8.2 billion loss by Anglo Irish Bank in the first 6 months of this year. The losses are the best ever by any Irish company, which Mr. Dukes points to as proof of Anglo’s contribution to Irish cultural life.

Dukes: Worse-than-expected Haircut

The losses include “write-downs”, “haircuts”, “whoopsies” and “shit that just slipped down the back of the couch when the kids were messing about with it”.

Mr. Dukes insists that Anglo Irish Bank’s plan to create a small good bank will work, despite the fact that the ECB, many leading economists and the majority of dogs have pointed out the plan’s over-reliance on the existence of goblins, faeries and “a bottomless pit of gold”.

Anglo bosses will not say whether the €25 billion already given to the bank by the government will turn out to be sufficient but have issued a statement reading simply “Fingers crossed, lads  ”.

The Chairman Designate of Anglo Irish Bank, former Fine Gael Minister For Finance, freelance Crazy Old Coot and keen amateur sitarist, Alan Dukes, has confirmed that the bank may be “floated off” in the future.

Mister Dukes, who hinted recently that he might get a crack at various outlandish plans for the utterly disgraced and banjaxed bank (see The Emergency Breaking News 04.03.2010) , has told The Emergency that it is possible to see circumstances where the bank could be floated up: way way up into the clear blue skies of forever.

"Just because Anglo is a black hole sucking the bite out of the mouths of Irish citizens as we speak right now," quipped Mr. Dukes in a specially convened smoking area in the corner of Stephen’s Green this morning, "Doesn’t mean that at some stage am even dafter old coot – say Garret Fitzgerald for example – might light a fire under the bank, forcing me to decide whether to save the bank or an exotic almost-extinct former Taoiseach. I don’t need to tell you I’d barely pause to put me butt before I lashed out the helium".

Laid back banker and former politician Alan Dukes has proposed that Anglo Irish Bank could be reinvented as a “Third Banking Force” owned by the government and giving loans to business.

Banking Guru & Amateur Sitarist, Alan Dukes

Speaking on Pat Kenny’s light-hearted radio programme "Chuckles With Pat" this morning, Mr. Dukes pointed out that we need expertise in the property area to manage the NAMA properties and rebuild the property business which collapsed partly because of experts in the property area and partly because there was a Third Banking Force lending pretend money to build floating moon castles and other vital social infrastructure.