The Emergency - Ireland's Satirical Comedy Team

Emergency On Sunday Closes

July 7th, 2011

The Emergency On Sunday is to close. This Sunday’s edition of the paper, which has been on newsstands for a thousand and three years, will be the last one. There will be no advertising in the final edition. The extra space will be occupied by extra breasts and a list of Premiership footballers who have not used prostitutes. Mostly extra breasts.

Owner of Emergency International, Dev O’Murdoch, is currently attempting to buy the rights to human vision worldwide. It’s thought that recent allegations that Emergency On Sunday hacks “earwigged” on conversations in the jacks in Toner’s pun and had become involved in “copying their homework” posed a threat to O’Murdoch’s proposed takeover of all known eyes. The crisis escalated recenty when it emerged that on at least a million occasions editorially sanctioned making-shit-up had occurred.

Former Emergency On Sunday editor Rebeckah Ní Brooks had tears in her eyes as she broke the news of the paper’s demise to staff. An earpiece through which the conversations of four hundred celebrities were being relayed to her was later removed and thereafter she was reportedly “grand” and “wealthy”.

A new publication “The Emergency On The Day After Saturday” will launch next week, price 2/6.

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Judges To Shatter: Pay Cut Would Damage Pay

July 5th, 2011

Senior judges have warned the Government that cutting their pay would damage the reputation of the judiciary in Ireland worldwide and also make it harder to be rich.

Justice William “Wonga” O’Toole criticised the refusal of Minister For Justice, Alan “Shakespeare” Shatter to allow an independent review of judicial salaries. “To cut our pay as if we were public servants sends out the wrong signals to society, to the world and to my golf club,” he foamed gently to The Emergency earlier today. “Article 35.5 of the constitution prohibits a reduction in our pay for a good reason. That reason is that lowering our pay will seriously damage the amount of money we get. This would make us a laughing stock among the criminal classes, who are not subject themselves to any such downward review by Mr. Shatter and his cadré of uncouth corner boys at the Department of Justice”.

In a memorandum tattooed in gold on the skin of a unicorn and sent to the Government, the judges point out that, while they understand the grave situation the economy of the country is in, the Government must think again if it thinks it can stick it to the judges. “Let’s just say a minor parking offence in Merrion Square can be ramped up into a drug trafficking and fraud charge in the right pair of skilled, irritated judicial hands”, it says and goes on to conclude: “We know where you live and where your shit is at, you dig?”

The memorandum makes no direct reference to cutting the pay of kitchen porters at the weekend, but Justice O’Toole has confirmed they couldn’t give a flying feck about it as the plight of low paid workers is not a constitutional issue and hardly ever comes up at Masonic port, brie and tickling events.

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Monorail Project To Varadkarville May Get Priority

July 4th, 2011

The Minister for Transport, Leo Varadkar has hinted that rather than the Luas DXD Link or Metro North projects, a third transport initiative “Leorail” may get the nod in Spetember.

The proposed Leorail line would run from everywhere to the newly designated Varadkarville Development Region in Dublin South. It would be the first ever supersonic monorail outside Dinsneyland and the first in the world to harness the power of the Fine Gael minister’s ego.

All Aboard The LeoRail To Varadkerville: Choo!! Choo!!

Scientists working in the Varadkar Institute Of Stuff recently identified highly charged particles of pure ego, which are released when Leo Varadkar and an opportunity to say something collide at speeds close to that of light. Experiments took place in an underground Varadkon Collider, deep beneath the surface of Tallaght (soon to be re-named Varadkarville West).

The monorail will cost more than Metro North and Luas DXD combined, but Mr. Varadkar has hinted that it could potentially generate up to 4 billion cubic kilometres of precious gaseous hubris for the region. The trains will be unmanned and driven purely by untrammelled ambition or an iPhone app, depending on the results of tests currently being carried out by boffins on specially adapted Hornby set. Journey time to Varadkarville from anywhere in the country will be an average of instantaneous.

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DAA chief snapped returning a portion of bonus cash

June 29th, 2011

The above shot was captured by intrepid Emergency snapper, Shots O’Kilbeggan, in Dublin Airport’s very long stay car park, as top-flight DAA high flier Declan ‘Cleared for rip off’ Collier of the DAA returned a portion of his parking expenses monies claimed throughout the period of March to the end of March earlier this year.

‘Fuck off,’ retorted a clearly none-too-bothered Mr Collier, as our reporter asked him how in tune he felt with the rest of the nation. ‘I’m doing the state some small fucking service here. Amn’t I shipping the shite out? And believe you me, it’s a fucking thankless job.’ At that point Mr Collier made his getaway by disappearing up his own rear in a cloud of sanctimony.

Several other semi-state chiefs were unavailable for cuts when we contacted them.

Mr Collier is on the remuneration committee of AIB, which sets pay rates for other high flyers within the Irish flagship bank.

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