Former Anglo CEO Sean FitzPension Declared Bankrupt
July 12th, 2010
The former head of systemically important cesspit, Anglo Irish Bank, Mr. Sean FitzPension has been declared bankrupt after it became clear that the current heads of Anglo would not accept an alternative deal put to creditors by Mr FitzPensions Hired Goons.
Under the proposed deal, Mr FitzPension offered half his pension, the deeds to Crumlin & Kimmage and use of both the top hat and little dog pieces to creditors as part payment. However although some creditors were keen on this arrangement, Anglo said it did not believe it would get back any more of the €110 million owed to it under the proposed deal and insisted that anyway it had seen Mr FitzPension palming an extra 200 last time he passed go. A last ditch offer from FitzPensions Goons under which he would agree to hand back the tenner he won in a rigged beauty contest failed to move the new Anglo shitepilots and the Goons gave up and upended the board on the way out to the kitchen to make tea and sulk.
At no stage did Mr. FitzPension put his Get Out Of Jail Free Card on the table.
Sacred Relics Commence Tour Of Ireland
July 10th, 2010
The sacred eyeballs of Blessed Abernathy of Crete now touring Ireland
By Ludicrous Pile-O’Bollox our Religious Affairs Editor DATELINE DUBLIN 10/07/2010 – The miraculously preserved eyeballs of Saint Abernathy of Crete have arrived in the republic and are about to go on a whirlwind tour of parishes the length and breadth of the country.
The relics are believed to be the most holy part of the 13th century monk who allegedly died over an eighteen month period while attempting to eat an oak tree from the roots up as a mark of his devotion to god. Shortly after his death locals reported themselves to be entirely cured of having to associate with a tiresome tree eating zealot. Three years later he was declared a saint by Pope Zebedee the Egregious.
There are 18 closed orders of Abernathians in Ireland, six of them safe for minors to be near. A garda spokesbeing told The Emergency that the eyeballs will be escorted under armed guard at taxpayers’ expense “…in case satan or some muslims or jews try to rob them or something”.
The relics have been tested by Professor Fr Luciano Gullibili of the Osseratore di Scientifica de Vaticana in Rome who pronounced them to be genuine spiritually charged remains from St Abernathy. They have also tested positive as being two pebbles with eyes chalked onto them in ‘real world’ conditions.
Fr Dougal of Irish Politics Calls Labour “Fr Ted Of Irish Politics”
June 28th, 2010
Ineffectual Green Leader John Gormley who is led and said by others
Green Leader and Minister for Fucking Off Meath People John Gormley has described the Labour Party as being “The Fr Ted of Irish politics” accusing them of saying “…down with this sort of thing while not saying what they are in favour of”
While Mr Gormless made his statement Fianna Fail sat in the corner drooling drunkenly occasionally yelling “Nama! Arse!! Lehman’s!!!” until Fine Gael came in with a tray full of ruddy Mayo men asking “Will you have a cup of weak Enda? You will, you will, you will, you will”.
Any resemblance of the Dáil to Fr Ted is coincidental: one is a long running popular farce depicting authority figures as buffoons, and the other was a popular Channel 4 sitcom written by Graeme Linehan and Arthur Matthews”
Bruton Heave – Fresh Evidence Of Unsuitability
June 20th, 2010
Bruton – actually 63
New evidence has emerged thus morning that failed Fine Gael leadership contender Richard Bruton has an unhappy track record in assuming natural authority.
According to papers discovered by The Emergency Richard Bruton was first usurped by his younger brother John shortly after his birth in 1953 – an early heave which saw Richard assume his younger brother’s pram, tiny clothing and destiny in the family while John, now the successful ‘older’ brother was elevated to the coveted position of ‘the biggest boy on Meath’ – a job he would hold for several years.
Richard Bruton meanwhile has returned to his suburban Dublin home to consider his position. He is currently locked in a bitter battle with a ladybird for control of his back garden.
Country Buggered As Scots Bank Leaves
June 18th, 2010
Halifax customers who have not switched or closed their current or credit card accounts will have their cards and accounts deactivated from 5 pm today in a move which sees the foreign bank retrenching and leaving these shores; and leaving their former customers to forage as best they can in the slime of the Irish banking sector
21 Halifax shops are to close today, with the remaining 23 closing next Wednesday. On Thursday a Vogon Destructor fleet will move in and demolish Ireland to make way for a ghost estate, even though it seems that Bernard McNamara, Liam Carroll and the rest of the MaFFia annointed wreckers have already been there, done that, and the taxpayers.
In February, Halifax, which is owned by Bank of Scotland (Ireland) announced its plans to close its 44 retail branches.
