Idiot Resigns From Shower
March 8th, 2010
Minister for Arse All and Antics Martin Cullen pictured in happier days
Minister for Arse All and Antics Martin Cullen has tonight resigned from Cabinet and the Dáil due to the chronic backstory that has been troubling him severely in recent months.
Mr Cullen was unable to attend an event today with the president of Timor-Leste, Dr Jose Ramos-Horta, who didn’t notice his absence while on a State visit to Ireland.
In his resignation statement, which was made on the plinth at Leinster House at 7.30pm, Mr Cullen said he was proud to have represented the self interest of the Fianna Fail voters of Waterford and to have served in successive Fianna Fáil-led heists.
“I have always enjoyed the foriegn travel and fine dining afforded me by junkets, however my consultant’s advice is that I have tumbled out of my last helicopter” he said continuing; “… it is with regret that I must now retire from public life and start spending those pensions”.
The Waterford TD’s departure from the Cabinet will provide acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen with further latitude as he attempts to give his Government a fresh look in a reshuffle over the next two weeks. Ironically this will take place after the annual Shamrock & Vomit Junket season.
Donegal Wind Energy Academy To Harness Coughlan Output By 2012
March 8th, 2010
A new Wind Energy Academy is to be established in Donegal as part of that county’s efforts to become the Wind Capital of Ireland.
The initial phase of the development of the Wind Academy will build on the existing Diploma In Light Breezes and its companion postgraduate MA course in Applied Puffing at the Letterkenny Institute of Technology.
But wind boffins are particularly excited about the prospect of harnessing the wind output of the Tánaiste, Mary Coughlan. It is thought Ms. Coughlan’s output could be converted using a specially strengthened turbine which would see her hooked up to the national grid by 2012. Read more »
Alan Dukes Proposes Anglo Irish As Third Banking Force
March 4th, 2010
Laid back banker and former politician Alan Dukes has proposed that Anglo Irish Bank could be reinvented as a “Third Banking Force” owned by the government and giving loans to business.
Banking Guru & Amateur Sitarist, Alan Dukes
Speaking on Pat Kenny’s light-hearted radio programme "Chuckles With Pat" this morning, Mr. Dukes pointed out that we need expertise in the property area to manage the NAMA properties and rebuild the property business which collapsed partly because of experts in the property area and partly because there was a Third Banking Force lending pretend money to build floating moon castles and other vital social infrastructure.
Retirement Age To Be Raised To 125
March 4th, 2010
Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen yesterday launched a comprehensive reform of the pension system, including the eventual raising of retirement age to 125. Additionally there will be a soft mandatory pension contribution (which does not involve hammers) on all workers aged 12 and over by 2014.
A Typical Pension Under The New Scheme
Workers who die before reaching retirement age will be reimbursed up to €10, or may optionally choose to be disinterred and reanimated at the appropriate juncture to enjoy the benefits of their retirement and pension.
People who work in the home for up to 10 years will get full credit for that time, whilst people who work in Leinster House for up to 10 days will get lorryloads of sweet cash, will be guaranteed pub lottery wins and are exempt from dying.
Gormley May Leave Cabinet As Greens To Rotate
March 3rd, 2010
The Minister for the Environment and Green Party leader John Gormley may leave the cabinet under a brilliant rotational plan covering the Green cabinet members. Under a scheme designed to ensure that there is an upper limit to the inevitable corruption of Green Party cabinet ministers, it is suggested that Gormley promised to step aside mid-term to allow another of his party colleagues a go at being corrupted by power.
John Gormley Demonstrates Planned Rotation At A Party Late Last Night
A Green Party spokesleaf last night refused to confirm or deny rumours of the plan’s existence. “This is pure speculation,” he said. “The degree of exposure to the corrosive effect of cabinet power on individual Green Party members is a matter for the parliamentary party of the Greens. I think it was Parnell who once said ‘No man has a right to say to a Green minister, this depth shalt thou plumb and no deeper..’”.
Eamon Ryan: Rotationally Exempt As Incorruptible
However the Green Party decides to spread the burden of corrosive power across the willing shoulders of its parliamentary footsoldiers, it is understood that Minister for Talkiness, Eamon Ryan is to be rotationally exempt, as exposure to vast amounts of radiation on his native planet Krypton as a baby have rendered him incorruptible as long as he remains within the Earth’s atmosphere.
