Fianna Fáil “Ready to return to Government”

January 12th, 2016


"Why so sad?" MaFFiana Fáil leader Micheal Martin warning "We will kill again - it's in our nature. Just put the No1 in the box and nobody gets hurt. Until we start hurting you again"

An unrepentant MaFFianna Fáil today threatened that it was ready to “return to government” and that it had “plans” for the hated USC (Universal Shafting Charge) involving it becoming “a rainy day fund”.
Party Finance spokes-hood Michael McThepenguin told reporters today that the fund would be administered by the NTMA and would only be used in the event of a  “catastrophic economic crash or unemployment crisis”.
He then outlined the rest of the party’s plans in almost hopeful chidlike detail while tying Batman to a chair ensuring no escape for the caped crusader.

Skellig Michael Alas Too Far Far Away

January 8th, 2016


Eoghan Harris guest columnist

Well Gerry, I hope you’re happy. You’ve broken the hearts of Irish “Trekkeries” and chased away untold billions of filming fees.  Yes readers you heard it here first. The real reason Spielberg won’t be filming any more of his popular Doctor Harry Who movies on Skellig Michael is this and it has little or nothing to do with the nesting habits of corncrakes: Gerry Adams and the IRA and their fellow travellers in the AAA/Socialist party death cult who are threatening to drag us to Marxism and a ruined economy.

So you can tell that to your crying nieces and nephews when they ask why Mister Spock isn’t ever going to sing “Let It Go” waving his “lazersword” on Irish soil again.

So Disney took the cold hard decision to spend just under a trillion dollars to build an exact life size replica of our wild Atlantic outcrop in London. A trillion. Just to be sure that the actors playng Metal Mickey,  K9, Alf and all the other favourite characters aren’t killed by terrorists.

Far be it from me to suggest it but the time has come for government to act. Gerry Adams and his pal McGuinness should be rounded up with the rest of the gunmen; and the reds like Murphy, Daly, Wallace and Higgins. Round them up and jail them without trial. Otherwise they will continue to chase away valuable international opportunities and drag our gentle nation into a totalitarian Marxist gunman state where people can be rounded up and jailed without trial.

Just think about that for a moment.

It that the Ireland that you want your children to grow up in? Me neither. Round them up End and Joan. Round them up.

Environmentally Friendly News

January 6th, 2016


Mr Michael Healy-Rae TD

Loveable stage Irish man, full time gombeen and publican Michael Healy-Rae TD for Kerry South today tested the very outer bounds of cognitive dissonance by repeating his call for a relaxation of drink driving regulations in rural areas.

Interviewed on Denistalk FM Healy Rae said: “We’ve lost an awful lot of our rural pubs and what has happened is actually wrong because these pubs were providing a great service…..if a person goes out and has a little drink, they were hurting no one, they weren’t causing accidents, they weren’t killing people”.

Well if he can recycle gags, so can we…

Nominations Close For “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”

January 6th, 2016


Past IFA President Paudie Darley wondering where it all went wrong

Nominations closed earlier this evening for the coveted position of President of the Irish Farmers Association.

Past holders of the title have managed to amass fortunes leading to placement on the Zetor Owners Monthly annual 100 Richest Culchies List.

Controversy in recent times has led to the paring down of graces and favours previously connected with the role. The next IFA President will no longer have the title Lord Of All Livestock and will lose with it the right to graze his heifers on the rooftop of the ILAC Centre car park. A notional award but valued among the agricultural community for bragging rights particularly if the GAA season falls well for your county and the Lord Of All Livestock meets a Dublin fan in Coke Park during the All Ireland Final.

From Our Man Up To His Oxthers In Shlurry Quentin Lazenby-Hyde

Dark Horse Emerges As Favourite To Succeed Kenny

January 6th, 2016

Housing Minister Paudie Coffey has insisted that a Dark Horse is likely to emerge to challenge for the leadership of Fine Gael when Enda Kenny, current leader and Acting Taoiseach, moves on.

“Of course it will be five to 75 years before Mr. Kenny resigns”, admitted Mr. Coffey, “but when he did I can see a Dark Horse or similar animal being in the running, if you’ll excuse the guff”.

Mr. Coffey played down suggestions that he himself was touting for Mr. Kenny’s position, although he did say he would reconsider his position if circumstances arose in which he thought for a second he had half a chance of getting away with.

Mr. Horse

Mr. Horse (7)

Dark Horse was not available for comment, but his agent said he is monitoring the situation in a number of key leadership jobs including the managership at Manchester Utd., the next short run evil character in Fair City and night manager at the Spar.

Pep Guardiola and Bressie remain joint 4/5 favourites for the 2.15 at Kempton.