The Emergency Live @ Leitrim Laughs Comedy Club, Thursday 14th October
August 31st, 2010
The Emergency is pleased to announce that we’ll be the guests of The Leitrim Laughs Comedy Club for a full-length “The Emergency Live!” show in The Dock Arts Centre in Carrick on Shannon on Thursday October 14th.
To book call their box office on 071 965 0828 or call to the box office in person. The Box office is located in The Leitrim Design House shop on the ground floor of The Dock. You can download the current programme for The Dock from their web site (PDF document).
Dan Boyle: Greens Leaning Towards Policy Of Leaning Towards Things
August 30th, 2010
Green Party Chairman Dan Boyle, who owns the Twitter, today intimated that the Greens are “Leaning Towards” the policy of a quicker wind down of Anglo Irish “Bank”. Up to now the Greens have pursued a strict policy of “Teetering Towards” the government policy of keeping Anglo going at any cost whatsoever. However over the summer it is known that senior Green Party members openly discussed adopting a policy of either “Wavering” or “Wobbling”.
There are unconfirmed reports that an associate of Mr. Boyle’s was heard at a meeting of wind enthusiasts claiming that in the last analysis the party might even adopt a policy of “Jumping Up And Down Three Times, Yipping Like A Poodle With A Chili Up Its Ass And Falling Accidentally Over The Edge Into The Abyss” unless government policy is amended at the upcoming meeting of the GreeFF cabinet.
In a statement Mr. Boyle said:
“It has always been the policy of the Green Party, and we have a proud and demonstrable record of this in not just one but many areas at …”
At which point the Green Chairman ran out of characters, shrugged, held up a placard reading “#biteme” and wandered off.
We Are Where We Were: Special live performance by The Emergency at Ranelagh Arts Festival 2010
August 20th, 2010
We Are Where We Were takes the form of a radio show performed live on stage by The Emergency and will consist of The Emergency’s trademark melange of sketches and songs satirising the current miasma that is Ireland. The Emergency thrives on the now and almost instantaneous satire, assuring the audience of lines wet upon the page lampooning the political idiocy of the moment as well as some gems from The Emergency’s output to date in 2010.
Date/Time: Sun 3 Oct 6pm
Venue: Ranelagh Multi-Denominational School
Adm €10 – Booking essential
Download Ranelagh Arts Festival Programme here: www.ranelagharts.org
Festival Box Office: 26 Ranelagh, Dublin 6
Open: Mon – Fri: 12 noon – 7pm
Sat – Sun: 11pm – 6pm
Online ticket sales: www.ranelagharts.org
T: 085 743 7212
E: info@ranelagharts.org
Twitter: @RanelaghArts
Leinster House To Be Renamed The IMF Stadium
August 20th, 2010
In a sponsorship deal believed to worth 500% of Ireland’s GDP, The International Monetary Fund is to contribute massively towards the redevelopment of Ireland.
Plans for the new Ireland will be available for the public to view shortly in a cupboard at the IMF headquarters in Washington DC. The plan is expected to involve the demolition of the existing Ireland, providing jobs for Four million Irish people each of whom will be employed to destroy himself or herself to make way for one of the new slimline “population units” to be introduced by 2015.
The first phase of the plan will involved the redevelopment of Leinster House in to a giant open-air puppet theatre. The new Leinster House will be named “The IMF Stadium” and will provide seating for up to 166 marionettes as well as 60 new sock puppets (formerly known as “senators”).
Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan welcomed the development in a statement: “The fact that the IMF is willing to accept the blood of three generations of Irish citizens as loan collateral is proof yet again of Positive International Opinion in favour of the Tough Decisions made by this ‘Government’. We have turned a corner and are feverishly applying opposite lock – a manoeuvre which should reduce the loss of life to Irish citizens to less than 60%”.
The new oireachtas, The IMF Stadium will be aggressively marketed in a unique voting package offer which will see lucky punters able to vote in a Fianna Fail government for the next four general elections by purchasing a special 4-for-1 Golden Ballot. The package is competitively priced at €22 billion a shot.
Hook Hostage Video Terror
August 11th, 2010
The Emergency has obtained exclusive details of the making of the recent George Hook hostage videos, in which the former hero of Truth and Justice was forced at chequepoint to abandon decades of speaking his mind and instead read a carefully-scripted message from his shadowy captors about how their entire purpose in life was to improve the “television” “experience” of the “people” they “care” about.
Despite the excruciating and graphic nature of Hook’s humiliating appearance in the hostage videos, they have been aired dozens of times a day recently on Irish TV. A spokesweasel for Sky-pee explains this as further proof of the corporation’s “caring” about “your television experience”. The hostage videos clearly demonstrate the dangers of watching too much TV and of having your brandy laced with Rohypnol before the cameras started rolling.
Former caterer, rugby pundit and radio opinionifyer Mr. Hook (94) has refused to make a coherent comment on the videos. Sources close to the broadcaster have said he is “traumatised” and “solvent” following the episode.
