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2,000 Year Old “Bog Body” Proposed For Aras

August 12th, 2011

Prehistoric human remains, believed to be those of a woman, have been found in Co Laois.

The significant find has been described as “significant” by Dr Rex Bonehandler, Curator of the Understatement division at the National Museum of Ireland.

The 2,000 yr old “bog body” was immediately approached by several anti Gay Mitchell Fine Gael activists to stand in the presidential election later this year.

Speaking at the site, Teddy FitzHerbert (67), current chair of Young Fine Gael, said “At present we can see a pair of legs, which are quite well preserved, probably the best preserved part of the body,” he said. “On preliminary examination we can be reasonably certain that it is a female candidate.”

He said at this stage he did not know the precise age or gender of the individual, and the body appears to be missing the torso and head, “But sure that never stopped Michael Noonan from winning an election”.

“We’re delighted to have a woman, or incredibly feminine man, of such experience, charm, calibre and dare I say it, acquiescence on the Fine Gael ticket for the Aras” he concluded

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Gaybo Presidential Campaign In Turmoil After Pat Kenny Opens Big Gob

August 9th, 2011

Gay Byrne’s possible bid to become President of Ireland is in turmoil as his RTE colleague Pat Kenny accused him of “dragging Ireland into the 20th century”. It is believed that Kenny was hinting at a plot involving Byrne and others to drag Ireland back to the 20th Century and keep it there. Some analysts believe that this may only be a staging post for an ultimate effort to place Ireland once again in the 19th Century.

I’LL WRING POLL DARLING GAYBO: KENNY

A recent newspaper poll showed that 97% of people asked said they would prefer Gay Byrne to be President rather than prolonging an unwanted phone-call from a pollster asking random questions about stuff. But Mr. Kenny also vowed to mangle Mr. Byrne on his popular children’s entertainment programme “The Frontline” should his old buddy be in the race for the Áras. Speaking to The Irish Independent, Kenny said he would show no mercy to the septugenarian broadacster and did not explicitly rule out water-boarding or the kidnapping of influential personalities. “He’ll be good at avoiding questions, but I’ve been waiting for this for a long, long, long, long time”, Kenny quipped.

I’LL KEEP BANGING ON: BYRNE

Meanwhile, Mr. Byrne, who invented sex in Ireland in the 1960s but has recently curtailed it by persistently interviewing Daniel O’Donnell, is said to be consulting close friends. He will then make a decision on whether or not to run. However, Byrne has stressed that he will not be leaving any of his broadcasting jobs as long as he still drew breath. “I think my record in that regard speaks for itself”, he understated.

CLAMOUR

Mr. Byrne has already said he would run for the Áras if there were a public clamour for him to do so. The Emergency believes a number of private clamours are holding talks on whether or not to go public. Meanwhile Gardaí were last night called to a suspected clamour last night in Howth, near Mr. Byrne’s North Dublin residence. However a spokesgarda, Sgt. Labhras O’Toole, has now confirmed that the possible clamour was “at most a ruckus and most likely a cat”.

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James Joyce’s Passport Sold For €69,747

July 14th, 2011

James Joyce’s wartime family passport, recording the writer’s movements across Europe as he wrote his famous ‘durty buke’ Ulysses , has sold for €69,747 at auction in London today.

The auction result is something of a record, but still comes nowhere near the astronomical sums reached by Charles J.Haughey when as Taoiseach in the 1980′s he successfully peddled several Irish passports to a number of shady yet wealthy individuals from the middle east – including one to Sheikh Khalid bin Mahfouz…a brother in law of Osama Bin Laden.

A staff reporter from The Emergency attempted to contact Mr Haughey in Hell for a comment on the Joyce sale but was told that the former Fianna Fail leader was “too busy ‘fixing’ things down here” to speak.

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“Tonight Matthew, I’ll Be…Virtually Indistinguishable From Bertie”

July 12th, 2011

So slithery, Micheal Martin is jealous.

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Emergency On Sunday Closes

July 7th, 2011

The Emergency On Sunday is to close. This Sunday’s edition of the paper, which has been on newsstands for a thousand and three years, will be the last one. There will be no advertising in the final edition. The extra space will be occupied by extra breasts and a list of Premiership footballers who have not used prostitutes. Mostly extra breasts.

Owner of Emergency International, Dev O’Murdoch, is currently attempting to buy the rights to human vision worldwide. It’s thought that recent allegations that Emergency On Sunday hacks “earwigged” on conversations in the jacks in Toner’s pun and had become involved in “copying their homework” posed a threat to O’Murdoch’s proposed takeover of all known eyes. The crisis escalated recenty when it emerged that on at least a million occasions editorially sanctioned making-shit-up had occurred.

Former Emergency On Sunday editor Rebeckah Ní Brooks had tears in her eyes as she broke the news of the paper’s demise to staff. An earpiece through which the conversations of four hundred celebrities were being relayed to her was later removed and thereafter she was reportedly “grand” and “wealthy”.

A new publication “The Emergency On The Day After Saturday” will launch next week, price 2/6.

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