The Emergency: 'Breaking News'

Senior judges have warned the Government that cutting their pay would damage the reputation of the judiciary in Ireland worldwide and also make it harder to be rich.

Justice William “Wonga” O’Toole criticised the refusal of Minister For Justice, Alan “Shakespeare” Shatter to allow an independent review of judicial salaries. “To cut our pay as if we were public servants sends out the wrong signals to society, to the world and to my golf club,” he foamed gently to The Emergency earlier today. “Article 35.5 of the constitution prohibits a reduction in our pay for a good reason. That reason is that lowering our pay will seriously damage the amount of money we get. This would make us a laughing stock among the criminal classes, who are not subject themselves to any such downward review by Mr. Shatter and his cadré of uncouth corner boys at the Department of Justice”.

In a memorandum tattooed in gold on the skin of a unicorn and sent to the Government, the judges point out that, while they understand the grave situation the economy of the country is in, the Government must think again if it thinks it can stick it to the judges. “Let’s just say a minor parking offence in Merrion Square can be ramped up into a drug trafficking and fraud charge in the right pair of skilled, irritated judicial hands”, it says and goes on to conclude: “We know where you live and where your shit is at, you dig?”

The memorandum makes no direct reference to cutting the pay of kitchen porters at the weekend, but Justice O’Toole has confirmed they couldn’t give a flying feck about it as the plight of low paid workers is not a constitutional issue and hardly ever comes up at Masonic port, brie and tickling events.

The Minister for Transport, Leo Varadkar has hinted that rather than the Luas DXD Link or Metro North projects, a third transport initiative “Leorail” may get the nod in Spetember.

The proposed Leorail line would run from everywhere to the newly designated Varadkarville Development Region in Dublin South. It would be the first ever supersonic monorail outside Dinsneyland and the first in the world to harness the power of the Fine Gael minister’s ego.

Scientists working in the Varadkar Institute Of Stuff recently identified highly charged particles of pure ego, which are released when Leo Varadkar and an opportunity to say something collide at speeds close to that of light. Experiments took place in an underground Varadkon Collider, deep beneath the surface of Tallaght (soon to be re-named Varadkarville West).

The monorail will cost more than Metro North and Luas DXD combined, but Mr. Varadkar has hinted that it could potentially generate up to 4 billion cubic kilometres of precious gaseous hubris for the region. The trains will be unmanned and driven purely by untrammelled ambition or an iPhone app, depending on the results of tests currently being carried out by boffins on specially adapted Hornby set. Journey time to Varadkarville from anywhere in the country will be an average of instantaneous.

The above shot was captured by intrepid Emergency snapper, Shots O’Kilbeggan, in Dublin Airport’s very long stay car park, as top-flight DAA high flier Declan ‘Cleared for rip off’ Collier of the DAA returned a portion of his parking expenses monies claimed throughout the period of March to the end of March earlier this year.

‘Fuck off,’ retorted a clearly none-too-bothered Mr Collier, as our reporter asked him how in tune he felt with the rest of the nation. ‘I’m doing the state some small fucking service here. Amn’t I shipping the shite out? And believe you me, it’s a fucking thankless job.’  At that point Mr Collier made his getaway by disappearing up his own rear in a cloud of sanctimony.

Several other semi-state chiefs were unavailable for cuts when we contacted them.

Mr Collier is on the remuneration committee of AIB, which sets pay rates for other high flyers within the Irish flagship bank.

 

Every year in Ireland, billions of Euros are wasted because of our hidden shame. We all know about it, but few if any ever speak out…

It’s time to end the shame

Enthusiastic Kerryman Michael Healy Rae has denied that he made phone calls to vote for himself on RTE’s celebrity survival show “I’m A Spanner, Turn Off The Telly”.

DENIAL

Mr Healy Rae had pointed out that he has not mastered bi-location and could not have made phonecalls from the Dail phone system while at the same time wrestling wild sheep in the Connemara jungle. He has repeated the denial numerous times today, undeterred by the fact that nobody has suggested that he made the calls.

BI

Kerry South voters who did not vote for MHR were heartened by the news that he could not be in two places at the one time. “Just one less places at a time and we’re grand”, a sane man in Kenmare said when questioned.

Mr Healy Ray has also denied that his father Jackie, then a TD and still a committed Kerryman and novelty hatstand, could have made the calls. “I know he didn’t because I have not asked him so therefore he didn’t tell me if he did so he didn’t”, explained Healy Rae Jnr.

MORE DENIAL

Jackie Healy Rae himself has said that there wouldn’t be a hope in the wide earthly world that he’d be in a position to make that number of calls. Not an outside hope in the world. No hope whatsoever. If it’s hoping ye’d be that there be a hope that Jackie Healy Rae himself it is that would be at the making of such a class of a load of calls, it’s hopeless the hope would be that did be upon ye.

HATS A CHARITY

The calls caused donation of 60 cent each to be made to charity, with taxpayers the unwitting donors. Neither of the Healy Raes would comment on an effort that was made at the time by their supporters to have Hat-Wearing In Kerry South registered as a charitable actvity.

“Enjoy an lrish holiday without leaving home. Just get into the shower, cold tap only, eat batter burgers and cold wedges with Miwadi. Tune the radio to Liveline and tear up a 50 Euro note every 30 mins….”

June 24th 2011, the Taylorbunker. Dublin

The popular fictional character from children’s literature Mr Jesus Christ has today launched a scathing attack on the Catholic church, now in it’s second millennia, for cashing in on his image and teachings in an”offensive” way.

The church uses Mr Christ’s image and much of his life story in daily and weekly displays of wealth and splendour. It also causes suffering and hardship to victims of it’s crimes of collusion with systemic child abuse supported by a cabal of elderly men led by a German mystic.

Mr Christ, a celebrated victim of oppression and hate crimes said: “Respect for my Word, the Word of God, is neither displayed in the actions of the Catholic church or entwined in their lives.

“It is regrettable and unacceptable that this ‘church’ seeks to continually profit from my story in such an offensive way.”

Cork South Central Fine Gael TD Jerry Buttimer was unavailable for comment.

A particularly fast and agile dolphin has raised the beleaguered spirits of the nation. The bottle-nosed male dolphin, has been affectionately dubbed “De Dolphin” by locals in West Cork.

Wee Hop

“De Dolphin” has been spotted by fishermen and people in local pleasure craft swimming “pretty quickly” and even on occasions “giving a little hop up out of de water, like” off the coast of Cork near Kinsale.

Tides

Legendary dolphin “Fungi”, speaking through a translator and 25 foot of water off dingle, has tipped “De Dolphin” to kick on from here and break many of the Kerry veteran’s own records. “for such a young dolphin he really is good at swimming fast. I predict he’ll get faster and faster and may ultimately affect tides and currents worldwide”, he claimed.

Taoiseach: Snot

Taoiseach Enda Kenny rushed inappropriately to congratulate “De Dolphin”. “When I look at ‘De dolphin’”, he sobbed, “I see not just a talented cetecean but the very embodiment of the Irish people’s beauty of spirit and their determination to overcome every obstacle I and my government place in their path. When ‘De Dolphin’ gives his little hops up out of the water, Ireland rejoices and I cry like a girl until my face dissolves into a raw red snotfest”.

irish?

De Dolphin is originally from Spain, has lived most of his life near Iceland and carries a British passport.

Minister for Insolvency Michael Noonan watches as French finance minister Christine Lagarde shows him the actual violin that President Sarkozy plays whenever anyone talks to him about the Irish Government’s attempts to secure a cut in the interest rate on Ireland’s bailout