The Emergency: 'Breaking News'

Daoine Na h’Eireann. Come With Me If You Want To Live

Monday, May 23rd, 2016

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This sketch was first broadcast on Newstalk 106 in 2009. For those of you who say “nobody warned us that the Irish electorate has the attention span of a lobotomised prawn”. A warning from the past about a warning from the past that is a warning from the past.  We don’t want to go all Twilight Zone on you.  Just stop voting for criminal bastards, will you?

Featuring Karen Ardiff, Morgan C.Jones, Dermot Carmody and Eoin Byrne

 

Fianna Fail In Negative Poster Shock!

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

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There has been outrage in political circles at the new so called “negative” campaign posters released today by well known crime syndicate MaFFianna Fail which feature popular primary school teacher Edna Kenny.

Mr Kenny, a philanthropist who has worked tirelessly for one of the most disadvantaged men in Malta was unavailable for comment but his spokesbacterium said that this was because somebody had made the error of saying “the Vincent Browne word” within the Taoiseach’s earshot causing  him to run away and hide “again” possibly in “that hut himself and the others built in the park across opposite like”.

In other news Tanaiste Joan Burton leader of the Smoked Salmon Canapé & Rising Party praised carers for their commitment despite the removal of some 75% of their supports since the coalition came to power in 2011. Ms Burton then managed to not fall into a puddle during a photo opportunity but was seen directing her car towards disadvantaged housing estates in the west of the capital in the fond hope of causing a nice small riot in time for the six o’clock news.

Fianna Fáil “Ready to return to Government”

Tuesday, January 12th, 2016
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"Why so sad?" MaFFiana Fáil leader Micheal Martin warning "We will kill again - it's in our nature. Just put the No1 in the box and nobody gets hurt. Until we start hurting you again"

ELECTORATE READY TO “RETURN TO THE CENTRE…”
An unrepentant MaFFianna Fáil today threatened that it was ready to “return to government” and that it had “plans” for the hated USC (Universal Shafting Charge) involving it becoming “a rainy day fund”.
“WE WILL KILL AGAIN”
Party Finance spokes-hood Michael McThepenguin told reporters today that the fund would be administered by the NTMA and would only be used in the event of a  “catastrophic economic crash or unemployment crisis”.
FF “JUST CAN’T HELP IT”
He then outlined the rest of the party’s plans in almost hopeful chidlike detail while tying Batman to a chair ensuring no escape for the caped crusader.

Skellig Michael Alas Too Far Far Away

Friday, January 8th, 2016
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Eoghan Harris guest columnist

FACTS ARE FACTS
Well Gerry, I hope you’re happy. You’ve broken the hearts of Irish “Trekkeries” and chased away untold billions of filming fees.  Yes readers you heard it here first. The real reason Spielberg won’t be filming any more of his popular Doctor Harry Who movies on Skellig Michael is this and it has little or nothing to do with the nesting habits of corncrakes: Gerry Adams and the IRA and their fellow travellers in the AAA/Socialist party death cult who are threatening to drag us to Marxism and a ruined economy.

DOES ANYONE ELSE SMELL BURNT TOAST?
So you can tell that to your crying nieces and nephews when they ask why Mister Spock isn’t ever going to sing “Let It Go” waving his “lazersword” on Irish soil again.

I MUST GET MORE OF THOSE TABLETS FROM THE DOCTOR
So Disney took the cold hard decision to spend just under a trillion dollars to build an exact life size replica of our wild Atlantic outcrop in London. A trillion. Just to be sure that the actors playng Metal Mickey,  K9, Alf and all the other favourite characters aren’t killed by terrorists.

THAT PIGEON JUST LOOKED AT ME FUNNY
Far be it from me to suggest it but the time has come for government to act. Gerry Adams and his pal McGuinness should be rounded up with the rest of the gunmen; and the reds like Murphy, Daly, Wallace and Higgins. Round them up and jail them without trial. Otherwise they will continue to chase away valuable international opportunities and drag our gentle nation into a totalitarian Marxist gunman state where people can be rounded up and jailed without trial.

Just think about that for a moment.

It that the Ireland that you want your children to grow up in? Me neither. Round them up End and Joan. Round them up.

Environmentally Friendly News

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016
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Mr Michael Healy-Rae TD

Loveable stage Irish man, full time gombeen and publican Michael Healy-Rae TD for Kerry South today tested the very outer bounds of cognitive dissonance by repeating his call for a relaxation of drink driving regulations in rural areas.

Interviewed on Denistalk FM Healy Rae said: “We’ve lost an awful lot of our rural pubs and what has happened is actually wrong because these pubs were providing a great service…..if a person goes out and has a little drink, they were hurting no one, they weren’t causing accidents, they weren’t killing people”.

Well if he can recycle gags, so can we…

Nominations Close For “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016
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Past IFA President Paudie Darley wondering where it all went wrong

Nominations closed earlier this evening for the coveted position of President of the Irish Farmers Association.

Past holders of the title have managed to amass fortunes leading to placement on the Zetor Owners Monthly annual 100 Richest Culchies List.

Controversy in recent times has led to the paring down of graces and favours previously connected with the role. The next IFA President will no longer have the title Lord Of All Livestock and will lose with it the right to graze his heifers on the rooftop of the ILAC Centre car park. A notional award but valued among the agricultural community for bragging rights particularly if the GAA season falls well for your county and the Lord Of All Livestock meets a Dublin fan in Coke Park during the All Ireland Final.

From Our Man Up To His Oxthers In Shlurry Quentin Lazenby-Hyde

Dark Horse Emerges As Favourite To Succeed Kenny

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

Housing Minister Paudie Coffey has insisted that a Dark Horse is likely to emerge to challenge for the leadership of Fine Gael when Enda Kenny, current leader and Acting Taoiseach, moves on.

“Of course it will be five to 75 years before Mr. Kenny resigns”, admitted Mr. Coffey, “but when he did I can see a Dark Horse or similar animal being in the running, if you’ll excuse the guff”.

Mr. Coffey played down suggestions that he himself was touting for Mr. Kenny’s position, although he did say he would reconsider his position if circumstances arose in which he thought for a second he had half a chance of getting away with.

Mr. Horse

Mr. Horse (7)

Dark Horse was not available for comment, but his agent said he is monitoring the situation in a number of key leadership jobs including the managership at Manchester Utd., the next short run evil character in Fair City and night manager at the Spar.

Pep Guardiola and Bressie remain joint 4/5 favourites for the 2.15 at Kempton.

Hostage To Fortune Latest News

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

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And the truth…? https://www.inmo.ie/Trolley_Ward_Watch
(source: trolleywatch/inmo)

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Posted by @funnydub from the depths of the goldfish bowl

Supreme Leader Edna Where-He Declares Ireland “Best Small State in World With a Nuclear Capable Fine Gael”

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016
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Supreme Leader of Fine Gael and Taoiseacheen Enda Where-He fronting his party's surprise manifesto launch game changer

Fine Gael has said today it had carried out a “successful” hydrogen bomb test, a claim that – if true – massively raises the stakes over the senior coalition partner’s forthcoming Pretendy Election manifesto.

Condemnation was swift with sneaky idealogical twin MaFFianna Fail and new kids on the block The Knights of Renua decrying a gross violation of UN Security Council resolutions and regional county council bye-laws regarding “possession of the Hydrogen Bomb or other WMDs in the run up to a local, General or EU election”  

FG defence supremo Simon Ko Veni hailed the announcement as a “…decisive step towards a victory ensuring decades of  peace and stability for the corporate sector”, while supreme leader Enda Where-He(?) announced to some drunks with NUJ membership at Buswells:  “This, the republic’s first hydrogen bomb test has been successfully performed at 03.30 am Irish time” 

“With the perfect success of our historic H-bomb, we Fine Gael,  the plucky party of Collins and Cosgrave have joined the rank of advanced nuclear states,” he said, adding that the test was of a miniaturised device.

When pressed for evidence the Supreme Taoiseacheen said that the device was “very very small indeed” and went on to say that “only very intelligent people or those at cabinet level may see it”

He then riffed for a few minutes on the time just yesterday he met a small worried woman in Castlebar who was afraid of the possibility that other political parties or even County Leitrim may have nuclear arsenals of their own.

“I looked her straight in the eye and told her to go in away with herself and not be worrying. Fine Gael stands with the big boys now. This is senior hurling. Eh. That. Really. Did happen….did I tell you about my Five Point Plan?”.

Government Response to Flooding In Full

Tuesday, January 5th, 2016
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Tanaiste and leader of FF Lite (formerly Smoked Salmon Canapé & Reisling Party) Joan Burton and coalition chums demonstrate the proposed new Early Flood Warning System

The government today,  5th January 2016,  made a series of decisions designed to alleviate the difficulties of those subjected to flooding in their homes and businesses.

These decisions include:
1.   A bit of a hug for farmers.
2.   A bit of a hug for livestock (not feckin’ chickens though mind).
3.   The establishment of a working group to “see how we might bring in the expertise of ooooh…let’s say for instance Siteserv or INM or one of the radio stations even”
4.   The immediate sacrifice of three goats and a trade unionist to appease the mighty Den-is that he may spare us from his wrath in the future.

Other decisions include:

● Establishment of a River Shannon Co-ordination Group to establish the exact location of the River Shannon which has frankly been feckin about lately.
● The Office of Public Works to set up and run two individual “home protection schemes”. The two individual homes have yet to be selected.
● Drinks at Oireachtais Bar (sandwiches optional).
● Department of Transport to bring full report of Infrastructure Damage to government and stay in the room while Michael Noonan makes hissing noises and frowns.
● Department of Environment and OPW to meet with EU Commissioner and stay in the room with him while he makes hissing noises and frowns through an interpreter.
● Taoiseacheen and relevant  Cabinet Ministers to meet with representatives of Insurance Industry next week to look shocked at each other and mutter “jaysis lads” a lot.
● Drinks at Oireachtais Bar. (sandwiches mandatory).
● New Flood Forecasting unit to be established.
● Naptime.

  

Posted by @funnydub from the depths of the goldfish bowl