The Emergency: 'Breaking News'

Minister for Honours Maths Michael Noonan reading the 2008 Leaving Cert Maths (Ordinary) paper set by his predecessor Mr Cromwell

Parents of Junior Certificate geography students today thanked Michael Noonan for clearing up any lingering confusion that Ireland may be the much larger mediterranean country Spain. Mr Noonan’s statement comes hot on the heels of recent assertions made by the Tainiste and Minister for Geography (Common Level) Eamon Gilmore to the effect that Ireland is neither Portugal nor Greece.

Asked why the Minister for Honours Maths was providing study notes for a class other than his own Mister Noonan explained that the Tainiste was on an in service training day along with some other staff members.

There will be no P.E. for the next two weeks as Mister Vaginar the Minister for P.E. and The Bus has a pulled junket which has to be treated in England. A full list of all classes to be affected by the St Patrick’s Day holiday will be sent home in satchels this week.

One of the aristocrusties at the Occupy Dáil Éireann camp with two of his curs

Everyone completely failed last night to dismantle the Occupy Dáil Éireann camp which has been in situ at Leinster House since November 2010.

This morning a local resident told reporters that he had hoped the aristocrusties manning the camp were moving on last March but it turned out they were just putting new dogs on the end of their twine.

In other news, knee jerk Fine Gael responses to comment threads regarding Occupy Dame Street are up 134%. Continuity Fianna Fail Minister Leo Vaginar has claimed this evening that this development represents a massive surge in computer literacy at at six official care homes for members of Young Fine Gael.

A pensive Micheál Martin watches as his former deputy walks away from government buildings following his sacking resignation

MaFFianna Fáil’s Éamon Ó Cuív has resigned as deputy leader and party spokesman on telegraphy, turf and comely maidens in a row over the European fiscal compact treaty.

In a statement released this evening, Micheál Martin the last ever leader of Fianna Fail said his former deputy’s refusal to support the parliamentary party’s position on the fiscal compact meant it was “time to give that young go getter Willie O’Dea his head”.

In an utterly shocking development Mr Martin said MaFFianna Fáil would be supporting the referendum last night.

Miniature for Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation Richard ****** has signed the controversial SOPA instrument pushed by Sean ******* into law.

The instrument ****** **** and *********. It will ****** *** ******* ********, but also *****.

Several *********** were told ****** ****** to be ******. Despite much protest by ********, anyone who voiced their objections to their **’* have effectively been told to fuck right off.

From our man on the ground under a camouflaged tarp JOE TAYLOR – DATELINE DUBLIN: O’Snodaigh says he is responsible for the cartridges but he knows nothing about the Canon. STOP PRESS STOP PRESS STOP PRESS

The Oxymoron for Health Dr James Reilly has promised a comprehensive review, two steering committees, a think tank, several in depth bull sessions and at least one cream tea in an attempt to pull the ill fated National Children’s Hospital project at the Mater site in Dublin back on stream.

Oxymoron for Health Dr James Reilly TD MD SOB HSE

“Youse are all lookin at me” Dr Reilly told journalists at a press conference yesterday. He then laughed sheepishly and told two watered down knob gags. The minister went on to explain that while delays to the project were regrettable, the rapid aging of many of the children’s hospital’s patients would mean that they wouldn’t have to worry about receiving sub standard treatment in a pediatric facility for long. “Sure before you know it they’ll be old enough to receive sub standard treatment at any one of the three general hospitals nationwide that this government is committed to keeping open”.

“Nippers grow up so fast nowadays” he said, concluding “Those as what survives does in anyways”.

The unbuilt Ahern Harney Memorial National Children’s Hospital Project is 10 years old, some three or four years older than any of it’s potential victims clients.

Taoiseach Edna Kenny (Mrs) has been pictured this morning in the Irish Times dancing outside government buildings ahead of a meeting tomorrow with supreme European co-dictator Angela Merkel

In his new dance move the Taoiseach admirably displays Ireland and Greece’s chances against the Troika

The popular West Cork disgraced former TD and Senate makeweight Ivor Callely is once again in deep water after inadvertantly leading a passing garda to his top secret nerve centre.

Callely, known to his Spectre chums as “Dr No-Chance-Of-A-Seat” is believed to have answered the door of his Clontarf pied a terre to a garda making random inquiries in the area regarding a spate of bicycle thefts. The guard later explained “Mr Callely invited me into his premises and proceeded to outline his plan for world domination before locking me in what I took to be his office whereupon he cackled outside the door for a good eight to ten minutes”.

Having been left with his two way radio and mobile telephone the guard was able to summon assistance. While awaiting rescue the brave member secured a number of items of evidence key to Mr Callely’s prosecution, among them several lists headed “How I Did It” and “My Plan For World Dominationt [sic]”

Callely was later discovered in the garage sitting in an empty dishwasher crate with the words TOP SECRET ESCAPE POD written on the side in red crayon

A leading Franco-German performance artiste has delivered a sculptural representation of Ireland’s financial liabilities for the next year near government buildings in Dublin.

The artist Merkozy, known variously as “l’agresseur peu” and “Die Zukunft Dieb” has spent weeks carefully crafting the piece. Described as “…a physical manifestation of your country’s indebtedness to your bettors [sic?]” the sculpture is called Non Comestibles Bon Bon (The Inedible Sweetie)

A press release from the artist which accompanies the installation states: “Zut! Votre peasantry will never starve eating this delectable granite sweet meat, mais non?” a second entry with hand drawn eagles and lightning strikes suggests “Ya! Let the leftists try to eat it first. Then your elderly and so on in that manner until ENJOYMENT they will learn to take from their struggle nein?”

The sculpture will be guarded by Mr Merkozy’s pet Taoiseach Fido Kenny assisted by Finance Sinister and well known investor Michael Noonan.

Le Non Comestible Bon Bon being delivered earlier today

Minister For Justice and leading Victorian gent, Alan Shatter has revealed the high cost of providing Garda protection of the Shell’s Philanthropic Corrib Installation.The minister blamed “Protest Tourism” for the extra €14,500,000 spent on security there in the last six years.

“These beatnik rascals are bringing down the country”, said Mr. Shatter (148) of the “Protest Tourists” whom he claimed had cost thecountry dear in terms of inward investment. “How can we expect the international business community to set up shop here in Ireland when this reefer madness is de rigeur”, he asked, “and when occurences of flu and acne are all greater in the Corrib region because of the nomadic machinations of this disaffected bunch of long-haired brigands in their ‘jeans’ and ‘trilby hats’?”.

However a rift in the coalition cabinet appeared to be developing when the Minister For Trains, Trolleys & Tourism, Leo Varadkar, came out in favour of Protest Tourism. “I think Alan was being hasty”, Mr. Varadkar confided to passers-by on the M50 this morning. “The more tourists we have the better. Protest Tourists, Pink Tourists, Bald Tourists… whatevs, dude?”.