Well known to Gardai: Ballybrit teeming with usual suspects and recidivism
NEWS IN BRIEF
Members of the public attending the Galway Races have been warned by An Garda Siochana to be on the lookout for petty criminals and con artists who have predictably descended en masse on the western capital eager for rich pickings.
Mattie – doesn’t know what a frontal lobotomy is: well that was a success then…
Rebel Fianna Fail pondscum Mattie McGrath is reported to be more whiny than usual following comments made by Green coaltion colleague Mary White during the recent Stag Hunting debate.
Allegedly Ms White approached Mr McGrath outside the chamber during a break in proceedings and asked him if he knew what a frontal lobotomy was. He replied that he didn’t and was so confused that he went to ask a solicitor what it was instead of a doctor.
Our picture shows a mock up of Mattie McGrath following a lobotomy, although it has been pointed out to us by our medical consultants that the scars would be closer to his well upholstered arse if Mr McGrath were to undergo such a procedure in real life.
The first of 3 computer generated mock ups of the three phases of the government’s revised plans for the Thornton Hall ‘Super Prison’ v.1 (fig1)
In its heyday it was the maximum security dream prison of then justice minister Michael McDo-ill – now the massively overpriced Thornton Hall project (€42.4 million and counting) beloved of the man they used to call “The Fuhrer” has been downgraded to reflect more austere times.
Thornton Hall ‘Super Prison’ v.1(fig2)
Far from being the impressive grey Lubyanka envisaged by it’s progenitor the prison will now be of more modest proportions, over three distinct phases, but will doubtless be sure to cost a heap load more money than the citizenry are being told.
Just as well that they can face a hefty spot of “time out” if they complain – the unpatriotic blackguards!
Thornton Hall ‘Super Prison’ v.1(fig3)
The cover of the OPW booklet ‘Toward 2016′ outlining the schedule of proposed works on the Tower of Drimnagh
The coalition government cabinet meeting for the last time before summer recess has agreed to press ahead with several large scale capital projects including Metro North, the Dart Interconnector and Construction of An Tower To Ye Heavens which is to be located on a greenfield site in Drimnagh “secured through NAMA at a steal”. Speaking today from under his security blanket, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen described the decision to go ahead with the various projects as “tough”.
Mr Cowen told reporters “And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. And it came to pass that Lehmann Brothers caused us to crash; And we said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And we will have brick for stone, and slime for mortar. Going forward . And let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. Paradigm….”. The Minister for Making Ludicrous Claims About Finance Brian Lenihan insisted that “This tower will pay for itself in the short to medium term and will make every Irish citizen several million euro by the time it is open in 2017″.
The Tower, is to be constructed by a consortium of major developers working under the auspices of the Office Of Public Works. Following the announcement the OPW dispatched crack teams of men in vans to key locations near Spar outlets serving coffee and buns. These men are said to be leaning on shovels already and gazing into the middle distance. It is not clear yet whether they can see 2016 yet, but they are clearly on the lookout for it’s arrival.
Demanding to be taken seriously – Greens continue opposition to Poolbeg plant and now propose raft of further drains on citizens including tolling national roads and charging a levy for manual transactions of road tax
US waste processing giant Covanta, currently losing money on the stalled Poolbeg incinerator project, have threatened to sue Ireland for losses incurred by them due to the failure of Environment Minister Gormless Tentacles in signing off on the final required foreshore licence to allow an out-flow pipe into the sea.
The licence is required to finish work on the waste incinerator, however the Department has not processed the application, which was lodged in December 2008.
Covanta who are building the €350m facility said they are seeking a meeting with acting Taoiseach Mr Kowen about the issue. Pressed by reporters on his thoughts, Mr Kowen said that the finalising of the licence was a matter for the Environment Minister, although he did add “I like money!”
Spokesman for Covanta Europe Whitney Burnemall said his company is the biggest incinerator operator in the world but has never encountered a set of circumstances similar to Ireland. This is possibly because they erroneously believed that they had seen pretty much everything that a corrupt third world country could throw at them by the time they got to doing business in the Republic.
Environment Minister Tentacles has publicly opposed the incinerator and recently published draft policy proposals, which would make the incinerator economically unviable. He also proposes a complete ban on jellyfishing and compulsory environmental studies on bacteria living on Krabby Patties. Even more ludicrously he has floated the notion that national roads should be tolled in addition to paying car tax.
Mr Tentacles’ opposition to the scheme is baffling since he has happily gone along with all other proposals to ram unpleasant and corrupt government policies up the electorate’s collective rectum – but there again the incinerator would be located in Minister Tentacles’ constituency, making him one of history’s most passive aggressive and costly ‘nimbys’.
Covanta’s Mr Burnemall meanwhile said he could not speculate on the Minister’s motives but did point out that legal sanction against Ireland could have serious consequences as the country no longer has enough money left to hire a solicitor, as even the shitty ones are earning too much in government.
Back in captivity, former PD Leader Michael McDo-ill
Gardai have confirmed that the former PD Leader Michael McDo-ill is back in captivity after escaping early yesterday. The keeper he mauled has been described as “comfortable but horribly scarred”
McDo-ill caused widespread anxiety roaming the country, foaming at the mouth and talking nonsense, but was recaptured by Gardai using wounded liberals as bait.
Not since Marathon changed it’s name to Snickers and Prince changed his name to The Artist Formerly Known As Vaguely Sane has a rebranding taken such a feverish hold of the public imagination.
Fine Gael, formerly Old Blueshirt, is to relaunch under a new banner with a thrusting press, media, outdoor, and point of sale campaign. There will be an Internet tie in, just as soon as someone under 50 joins Young Fine Gael.
One of the lead press ads is reproduced below
Promotional material for the acting Taoiseach’s stateside “love bombing” campaign of wealthy Americans”
Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has spoken of the need to portray confidence in Ireland’s ability to take the necessary steps to emerge from recession (eh…didn’t he say we were out of it already?).
Speaking from the comfort of a maximum security 5 star junket in New York, where he is meeting with US firms and financiers to encourage investment in Ireland, Mr Cowen said investors “need to know that we believe in ourselves in a way they believe what we are doing is the right thing – because if you believe, with all your might….and eh…a little bit of pixie dust….you shall go to the ball. Going forward”.
Mr Cowen said the some of the negative commentary in the media about the country’s economic path “concerns” him. “There are people I’m speaking to who have already invested in Ireland and they have confidence in the overall macro-economic decisions we are taking”. Pressed by reporters as to the identity of these confident investors Mr Cowen grew agitated before remembering that he was abroad and had to be nice.
The acting Taoiseach then contrasted this with the perception of Ireland abroad. “There is confidence abroad about the direction we are taking but for some bizarre reason people at home seem to lack confidence in our decisions and their worth going forward. Eh…going…..eh….going forward. New….paradigm. Eh” he said.
“We know they cause hardships and difficulties but it is absolutely imperative that we reflect that confidence at home in our own domestic arena and show that we are determined to do whatever we can do within our control to get us through this difficult period. Fianna Fail I mean of course. Not any of the other bastards. They’re a source of funds. Nothing else. Nothing. Do you hear?”
Mr Cowen said he was not worried about the Economic and Social Research Institute (ESRI) report published today that predicted the Government’s budget deficit in 2010 to run to almost 20 per cent – the largest in the 27-member EU. “They’re only a shower of whiny feckers, don’t be after worrying about any of the guff out of them going forward. Move along, Nothing to see” he said before necking some chablis
There is huge anger reported among The Plain People Of Ireland who feel “deserted”, “let down” and “confused” as broadcaster, wit & raconteur Joe Duffy absents himself from the Liveline hotseat for his summer holliers.
Numerous incidents of people having no one to moan to in a crisis were reported throughout the country today and yesterday as Duffy (97) scarpered leaving popular Irish royal, Philip Boucher-Hayes dazed with a microphone and a rotary dial telephone deep in the bowels of the RTE Radio Centre.
Joe Duffy (L) relaxes with Bono & Ali Hewson On Launch Traveling To Roman Abramovich’s Yacht In Tramore Yesterday
Aggie O’Toole (107) from Castlepollard, Co. Westmeath was among the first to suffer as she attempted to ring Joe Duffy to clear up a problem with her guttering. “Me guttering is banjaxed, it’s a disgrace. What do i tell my children and my children’s children who will have to pay for this mess?” she whinged when it became apparent that a beardless presenter was dealing with her call.
Meanwhile avid collector of Eamon Coughlan’s laces, Gerard McDermott of Greater Galway, was fuming when he realised he was left with no avenue, recourse or clue in Mr. Duffy’s absence. McDermott had recently bought what purported to be genuine Coughlan Indoor Laces from the 1983 season. The Chairman Of The Boards broke the world indoor mile record for the third time that season and the laces, which he didn’t use but which it was alleged he might have, fetched a five figure sum in frenzied eBay bidding. However when the laces arrived by post it was immediately apparent from the fluting on the ends that these were a later pair probably not even seen by noted Olympian Coughlan (114).
“With the Dáil not in session and the recent short-sighted banning of paramilitary organisations, my only hope was banging on about this to Joe Duffy,” lamented Mister McDermott. “It’s a poor lookout when I have have to write to Ian O’Doherty in the Irish Independent and hope for the worst. We might as well hand the keys of the country to the feckin’ Queen of England whenever she arrives”.
A spokesbeard for Mr. Duffy sympathised with the Plain People but insisted that constitutionally his client was just some bloke and not actually a human right.
“I hear the people and I feel their pain,” he dissembled smarmily whilst driving his taxi on the Inchicore road, “But Joe is taking a much needed break. He will be back in a matter of weeks and will be prepared to listen to any amount of crapulent victimhood as per usual”.
The Taoiseach Mr. Cowen has confirmed that Joe Duffy is of Systemic Importance to the Irish economy and that if necessary the government will step in to pay his wages.
The former head of systemically important cesspit, Anglo Irish Bank, Mr. Sean FitzPension has been declared bankrupt after it became clear that the current heads of Anglo would not accept an alternative deal put to creditors by Mr FitzPensions Hired Goons.
Under the proposed deal, Mr FitzPension offered half his pension, the deeds to Crumlin & Kimmage and use of both the top hat and little dog pieces to creditors as part payment. However although some creditors were keen on this arrangement, Anglo said it did not believe it would get back any more of the €110 million owed to it under the proposed deal and insisted that anyway it had seen Mr FitzPension palming an extra 200 last time he passed go. A last ditch offer from FitzPensions Goons under which he would agree to hand back the tenner he won in a rigged beauty contest failed to move the new Anglo shitepilots and the Goons gave up and upended the board on the way out to the kitchen to make tea and sulk.
At no stage did Mr. FitzPension put his Get Out Of Jail Free Card on the table.
