The Emergency: 'Breaking News'

Basset Calls For Ireland To Leave EU

Monday, July 3rd, 2017


A former confection, dog breed and Irish Ambassador to Canada has called on Ireland to consider leaving the EU. Ray Basset has pointed out that the bulk of Ireland’s trade is with Queen Elizabeth the First. Significant amounts of oak have this year gone into the building of the Queen’s navy.

Basset has urged the Irish government to take advantage of Brexit by following Britain out of the EU. Ireland would then find itself in a position to negotiate the best possible deal for itself, just as Britain is expected to do in the next couple of days.

“Let’s face it”, panted Basset when interviewed during walkies earlier this evening, “It would be much better for Ireland and Britain to be part of a shared economy, a sort of Common Wealth, if you will. God Save the Queen. Squirrel. Arf!”

Unity Of Shane Ross Threatened By Split Over Judge

Monday, June 19th, 2017

The Unity of Shane Ross, the current Minister for Stepaside, has been threatened by a row amongst him over the appointment of former Attorney General Máire Whelan to the Court of Appeal.

Mr. Ross wholeheartedly approved the appointment a few days ago as a member of the cabinet, but is appalled by his actions and is now demanding a review.

“I am a thundering disgrace to have stood idly by and let this happen,” he squeaked from a soap box in Stepaside earlier today. “I will now be demanding a review of this decision. I must be held to account. Would you like a tour of my Garda Station? I like sport.”





If he cannot resolve his differences with himself it is not thought that Mr. Ross will resign from cabinet. Instead he will split, with Shane holding his cabinet seat and doing whatever he needs to to hang on to it, while Ross will rail against him every step of the way and do light foaming duties in his constituency office.

NTA Announces Athlone Initiative To Combat Dublin Bus Congestion

Monday, May 29th, 2017

The National Transport Authority (NTA) has announced plans for new orbital bus corridors. Presently huge delays are caused by passengers being forced to take buses which travel in a straight line between locations on opposite sides of the city. Under the new scheme, however, the busy Dublin city centre will be bypassed by routing buses through Athlone, Carrick-on-Shannon and Tampa Bay.

Other changes expected to happen about ten years after the NTA plans to introduce them include a cashless fare system where passengers will have either fares deducted at source from their earnings or be able to take advantage of a CAB-type set up where their assets or organs are conveniently seized in lieu.

New Look Dublin Bus Fleet

New Look Dublin Bus Fleet

Existing bus lanes will be widened to accommodate new wider, low emission vehicles. These will essentially be constructed along the lines of Phoenician galley ships, with propulsion depending on passengers pushing the vehicle along with large “oars” or “sticks”.

The new fleet will have a swanky new livery. There will be a public competition for the design which will be won by the nephew of the Minister for Transport.

Daoine Na h’Eireann. Come With Me If You Want To Live

Monday, May 23rd, 2016


This sketch was first broadcast on Newstalk 106 in 2009. For those of you who say “nobody warned us that the Irish electorate has the attention span of a lobotomised prawn”. A warning from the past about a warning from the past that is a warning from the past.  We don’t want to go all Twilight Zone on you.  Just stop voting for criminal bastards, will you?

Featuring Karen Ardiff, Morgan C.Jones, Dermot Carmody and Eoin Byrne



Fianna Fail In Negative Poster Shock!

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016


There has been outrage in political circles at the new so called “negative” campaign posters released today by well known crime syndicate MaFFianna Fail which feature popular primary school teacher Edna Kenny.

Mr Kenny, a philanthropist who has worked tirelessly for one of the most disadvantaged men in Malta was unavailable for comment but his spokesbacterium said that this was because somebody had made the error of saying “the Vincent Browne word” within the Taoiseach’s earshot causing  him to run away and hide “again” possibly in “that hut himself and the others built in the park across opposite like”.

In other news Tanaiste Joan Burton leader of the Smoked Salmon Canapé & Rising Party praised carers for their commitment despite the removal of some 75% of their supports since the coalition came to power in 2011. Ms Burton then managed to not fall into a puddle during a photo opportunity but was seen directing her car towards disadvantaged housing estates in the west of the capital in the fond hope of causing a nice small riot in time for the six o’clock news.

Fianna Fáil “Ready to return to Government”

Tuesday, January 12th, 2016

"Why so sad?" MaFFiana Fáil leader Micheal Martin warning "We will kill again - it's in our nature. Just put the No1 in the box and nobody gets hurt. Until we start hurting you again"

An unrepentant MaFFianna Fáil today threatened that it was ready to “return to government” and that it had “plans” for the hated USC (Universal Shafting Charge) involving it becoming “a rainy day fund”.
Party Finance spokes-hood Michael McThepenguin told reporters today that the fund would be administered by the NTMA and would only be used in the event of a  “catastrophic economic crash or unemployment crisis”.
He then outlined the rest of the party’s plans in almost hopeful chidlike detail while tying Batman to a chair ensuring no escape for the caped crusader.

Skellig Michael Alas Too Far Far Away

Friday, January 8th, 2016

Eoghan Harris guest columnist

Well Gerry, I hope you’re happy. You’ve broken the hearts of Irish “Trekkeries” and chased away untold billions of filming fees.  Yes readers you heard it here first. The real reason Spielberg won’t be filming any more of his popular Doctor Harry Who movies on Skellig Michael is this and it has little or nothing to do with the nesting habits of corncrakes: Gerry Adams and the IRA and their fellow travellers in the AAA/Socialist party death cult who are threatening to drag us to Marxism and a ruined economy.

So you can tell that to your crying nieces and nephews when they ask why Mister Spock isn’t ever going to sing “Let It Go” waving his “lazersword” on Irish soil again.

So Disney took the cold hard decision to spend just under a trillion dollars to build an exact life size replica of our wild Atlantic outcrop in London. A trillion. Just to be sure that the actors playng Metal Mickey,  K9, Alf and all the other favourite characters aren’t killed by terrorists.

Far be it from me to suggest it but the time has come for government to act. Gerry Adams and his pal McGuinness should be rounded up with the rest of the gunmen; and the reds like Murphy, Daly, Wallace and Higgins. Round them up and jail them without trial. Otherwise they will continue to chase away valuable international opportunities and drag our gentle nation into a totalitarian Marxist gunman state where people can be rounded up and jailed without trial.

Just think about that for a moment.

It that the Ireland that you want your children to grow up in? Me neither. Round them up End and Joan. Round them up.

Environmentally Friendly News

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

Mr Michael Healy-Rae TD

Loveable stage Irish man, full time gombeen and publican Michael Healy-Rae TD for Kerry South today tested the very outer bounds of cognitive dissonance by repeating his call for a relaxation of drink driving regulations in rural areas.

Interviewed on Denistalk FM Healy Rae said: “We’ve lost an awful lot of our rural pubs and what has happened is actually wrong because these pubs were providing a great service…..if a person goes out and has a little drink, they were hurting no one, they weren’t causing accidents, they weren’t killing people”.

Well if he can recycle gags, so can we…

Nominations Close For “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

Past IFA President Paudie Darley wondering where it all went wrong

Nominations closed earlier this evening for the coveted position of President of the Irish Farmers Association.

Past holders of the title have managed to amass fortunes leading to placement on the Zetor Owners Monthly annual 100 Richest Culchies List.

Controversy in recent times has led to the paring down of graces and favours previously connected with the role. The next IFA President will no longer have the title Lord Of All Livestock and will lose with it the right to graze his heifers on the rooftop of the ILAC Centre car park. A notional award but valued among the agricultural community for bragging rights particularly if the GAA season falls well for your county and the Lord Of All Livestock meets a Dublin fan in Coke Park during the All Ireland Final.

From Our Man Up To His Oxthers In Shlurry Quentin Lazenby-Hyde

Dark Horse Emerges As Favourite To Succeed Kenny

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

Housing Minister Paudie Coffey has insisted that a Dark Horse is likely to emerge to challenge for the leadership of Fine Gael when Enda Kenny, current leader and Acting Taoiseach, moves on.

“Of course it will be five to 75 years before Mr. Kenny resigns”, admitted Mr. Coffey, “but when he did I can see a Dark Horse or similar animal being in the running, if you’ll excuse the guff”.

Mr. Coffey played down suggestions that he himself was touting for Mr. Kenny’s position, although he did say he would reconsider his position if circumstances arose in which he thought for a second he had half a chance of getting away with.

Mr. Horse

Mr. Horse (7)

Dark Horse was not available for comment, but his agent said he is monitoring the situation in a number of key leadership jobs including the managership at Manchester Utd., the next short run evil character in Fair City and night manager at the Spar.

Pep Guardiola and Bressie remain joint 4/5 favourites for the 2.15 at Kempton.