Wild-Eyed Man Claiming To Be Fine Gael Leader Outlines Plans
Acting Leader of Fine Gael, Enda Kenny, has stunned Ireland with a radical plan to make cuts in public service waste and inefficiency which would save up to €5,000,000,000. Mr. Kenny outlined his plans in an experimental radio broadcast yesterday. Using word-like sounds and many physical gestures, which caused some confusion among the listening public.
Mr. Kenny claimed that in the context of a 1000-year Finegaelsreich, his government would close up to 145 state bodies, leading to a reduction in public service jobs of 30,000. Amongst over one hundred FG proposals are:
- The Oireachtas will be abolished and replaced with Varadker-led committee of 20 Business Experts and Think Tanky Dudes
- The HSE will be abolished and replaced by a taskforce. International experts such as EastEnders’ Dr. Legge will be brought in to advise
- FAS will be abolished and replaced with step-by-step diagrams for self-training. The authoring of these diagrams will be put out to tender to the private sector with Swedish self-assembly giant IKEA and retired enthusiastic BBC children’s TV science presenter Johnny Ball expected to be foremost among the candidates for the job
- Public Service salaries to be capped at €200 K. Mr. Kenny claims this woukld greatly motivate pensioners and young unemployed people as it would show the level of pain those at the top are prepared to endure. When questioned about how this would be done in the context of the Croke Park Agreement which has already frozen salaries at current levels, Mr. Kenny pointed out that “The curlew and the plover do not dispute the provenance of the little invertabrates when the holes appear in the mud of the estuary”
Mr. Kenny was pressed on the details of these plans but pointed out that all the measures were part of the 1000-year Finegaelsreich plan and could “no more be ennumerated than the drops of water in the mighty rivers of enterprise set to flow from the radical source in the Blue Shirt Mountains”
Many Fine Gael TDs said they had received hundreds of messages of support from the public after Mr. Kenny’s interview, although they conceded that many of these consisted of well-wishers passing on helpline numbers and long-haul one-way travel bargains which they hooped Kenny and his demented coterie of pretend friends would avail of soon.