Voters Want Fianna Fail To “Go Piss Up A Rope” – Latest Emergency Poll

The apparatus constructed by Government spin doctors to locate their vanishing support base

In the latest of a series of shocks to his system, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has learned that mission control in Dehli reports that it has been unable to make contact with Fianna Fail’s core support for some time, while scientists in charge of the Hubble Space Telescope have admitted that even they can no longer see anyone actually in favour of Brian Cowen’s leadership outside of hardcore members of FF (officially twinned with Iraq’s erstwhile Ba’ath Party); and three quarters of the electorate would like to see a change of government, according to the latest Emergency /lookoutthewindow poll, which shows MaFFianna Fáil slipping to a record low.

Asked if they would like to see cabinet ministers fed genitalia first into a Kenwood Chef, 75 per cent of voters said they would, while just 17 per cent said they would not.

When asked the same question last February, 62 per cent favoured painful clown-mincing while 28 per cent were against.

There is overwhelming support for “opening a can of whup-ass” on government among supporters of all the Opposition parties, while 74 per cent of ‘Green’ Party voters also favour a “whuppin“, so long as it is Fairtrade. Even among MaFFianna Fáil voters a substantial minority, 42 per cent, would like to see “some fecker gettin lumps“.

Satisfaction with the “government” is running at just 11 per cent, with 85 per cent of voters expressing dissatisfaction with its performance. A majority of MaFFianna Fáil and ‘Green’ Party supporters are dissatisfied with their own Government’s performance, and many of them have been spotted burying their membership documents and dressing as women in order to maximise their chances of a successful escape.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s satisfaction rating has dropped six points over the summer from “lower than a Daschund’s nuts” to “about as welcome as an unsupervised Catholic priest in a kindergarten“, with 77 per cent of voters saying they are dissatisfied with his utter ineptitude.

The strong anti-Government mood of the electorate comes at a time when the MaFFianna Fáil-‘Green’ Party Coalition has to deal with a range of hugely challenging issues, including trying to convince tax-payers that the Nama legislation will not fleece them, the framing of next year’s combined “hairshirt/analrape” budget and decisions on the implementation of the Commission on Taxation report, as well as trying to scare people into voting yes on the unaltered Lisbon referendum.

When people were asked who they would vote for if there were a general election tomorrow, most answered ‘Velma from Scooby-Doo’, but when adjusted for party support, compared with the last Emergency /lookoutthewindow poll in May this answer tranlates as: MaFFianna Fáil, 17 per cent (down three points); Inglourious Bluesherts, 34 per cent (down two points); Smoked Salmon Canape & Reisiling, 24 per cent (up one point); Shun Feann, 10 per cent (up two points); ‘Green’ Party, 3 per cent (no change); and Independents/lickspittles/cranks, 12 per cent (up two points).

The Smoked Salmon Canape & Reisiling Party under Eamon Gilmore has now pushed MaFFianna Fáil into third place in terms of core vote for the first time, with Inglourious Bluesherts maintaining the position it achieved in recent polls and in local and European elections in June as ‘the funkiest party with the worst snacks’ in the country. In Dublin, Smoked Salmon Canape & Reisiling is in first place with 25 per cent, one point ahead of Inglourious Bluesherts on 24 per cent with MaFFianna Fáil trailing back in fourth place in the capital on 11 per cent, a point behind Shun Feann

The ‘Green’ Party’s share of the national vote has not changed since the last poll in May, but satisfaction with the party leader, John Gormless, has dropped eight points to 19 per cent, with many members of the party now unwilling ‘to even use him even as a base for organic compost’.

The Shun Feann vote is up since May but satisfaction with party president, Gorry Odoms, has dropped to 28 per cent, which is his lowest rating since he was allowed to speak on the radio using his own voice instead of an actor.

Inglourious Blueshert leader Enda Kenny’s rating has also dropped. He is now officially the least useful spore of a rallying fungus.

Smoked Salmon Canape & Reisiling Party leader Eamon Gilmore remains by far the most popular political figure on 47 per cent, but has experienced a drop of 2 points since the last poll – this has been attributed to the fact that some people may have heard him speaking out loud in the last few months, something that he was wisely avoiding as much as possible.

There is a huge level of dissatisfaction with acting Taoiseach Cowen’s performance among supporters of all political parties, except MaFFianna Fáil. Even among his own supporters 44 per cent are now dissatisfied, while 50 per cent expressed that in their world black is still white, white collar criminality is ‘AOK’, and Charles Haughey was ‘A Great Fella Altogether’.

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