Unionist MILF Continues Flipping Applecart

Beleaguered Nrn Irn First Minister Peter ‘Smiley’ Robinson was attempting to clear his name last night after insisting he did not know of his wife’s tendency towards rampant cougarism and irregular financial dealings with her teenage lover Dustin McHoffman.

The Despotic Unionist Party leader, ordered an official inquiry into his own conduct on discovering his MPILF (Member of Parliament I’d Like Financefrom) wife Iris had secured £50,000 (€55,000) from two wealthy developers to help her 19-year-old toybowlerhat to set up fashionable Laganside eaterie Tangerine

As well as the illicit affair, Mr Robinson claimed she had also concealed the nature of the donations she obtained.

“I had no information,” he said. “Absolutely no information about that, her cougarality nor of any of the other financial arrangements, which is hardly surprising if somebody is hiding an affair from you, it’s probably not a surprise they are hiding the other arrangements relating to that affair…or indeed other aspects of their activities”

The East Belfast MP faced calls to resign or consider his future amid heightening unease and deep disquiet within his own ranks following claims that Mrs Robinson may have been leading a double life, spending much of her time in fact heading the catholic church under the pseudonym ‘Josef Ratzinger’ but this has been discounted by many saner commentators who have pointed out that never being seen in the same room at the same time is a spurious basis upon which to base a conspiracy theory – although many do admit that the pair share a startlingly similar outlook.

Meanwhile, Mr McHoffman has refused to comment at his business on the banks of the River Lagan until his voice breaks.

Mr Robinson came out fighting last night, ordering civil servants to call in senior lawyers to probe his actions – “but not probe in a nudey way” he hastily added.

At the office of the DUP headquarters in his East Belfast constituency he said: “I have consistently indicated that I have not once, over the course of the last 61 years ever shown a trace of human warmth or emotion. I make vulcans appear human. This quality alone marks me out as the logical leader of Unionism in Nrn Irn”.

Tonight it emerged that Mr Robinson’s partner at the head of the powersharing government, Sinn Féin’s Martin McGuinness, may have to seek medical assistance to wipe the smile from his face.

Feisty cougar bigot Iris Robinson pictured in happier times

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