The Emergency Pre Budget Statement

This is the text of The Emergency Pre Budget Statement which was broadcast earlier today by a man with wild eyes and a megaphone near the bus stop on behalf of The Emergency’s proprietor Lord Bodhran O’Dennis

Ireland is up shite creek without a paddle. The country appears fragmented to the point where we anticipate individual families seceding from the Republic imminently. The road ahead seems unbearably cremantic, and there are high-pitched buzzy noises somehow penetrating my patented Jim Corr™© Tin Foil Hat.. But here at The Emergency we believe that Ireland has a proud tradition of denial, of escapism, of finding a way to breathe despite the position of our head within our back passage. We believe this is a country worth fighting for. Do you want your go, Horse?

Disingenuity, low-brow charlatanry, apathy and disengagement have always been part of who we are, but so too have gullibility, laziness and irresponsibility. We need to lean on these talents to re-position our country. Somewhere in the Caribbean would be nice. Old fodder will not feed new pigs – the Romans knew this. We need to be magical, dystopian and something else portentious.

Every one of us must be prepared to accept the challenge to our skills of avoidance that constrained economic circumstances impose. There are no atheists in foxholes. Just foxes, generally.

We spend €56bn and have revenues of €34bn – well, I say “we”…

Scarcely has any politician in the history of our State created such difficulties as those which emanate from the Taoiseach now. The challenge is terrifying. We’re scared. It calls for strong and determined obfuscation. The decisions made will be difficult to believe. Brian Cowen must now plunge the blade deeper between his own ribs.

Never before has a budget been so futile. Our cost base is a joke; we must all reduce our living standards to those of medieaval serfs who are down on their luck. Our country cannot afford to pay the fee for the use of the public toilets at the mall. We can no longer afford to out price ourselves against our nearest neighbours – ben Dunne has shown us the way here and we would be fools to ignore his inspirational reinvention of the wheel. We must compete against Newry and Bratislava – possibly in some sort of Pan-European Camogie League. Competitiveness is essential if we are to compete competitively.

This budget must confirm Ireland’s desolation.

We need wild, random action to replace the dull pain between our eyes, the mistrust that has begun to fester under our patio.

The Emergency calls on the Taoiseach to leave the country.

The Emergency calls on the Taoiseach to address the nation dressed as a Bishop, and give our people a good old belly laugh.

The Emergency calls on the Government to make more stupid decisions, to reposition our country (we really think the Caribbean would be good – we can get you an excellent mobile text and voice minutes bundle…); to present us with a Programme for Recovery that creates riots, stimulates unrest and crushes hope.

All party leaders, business leaders, trade union leaders, children, young people on social welfare, mortage holders facing repossession, dogs, cats, geese and undertakers must set aside short term gains in all our interests. All TD’s must see beyond their re-election campaigns to support this bollocks. When this government’s mandate expires there will be one of those electiony things, and then another government will be elected. We’re not really sure where we’re going with this so new para:

The future holds much uncertainty and dark days of difficulty (that’s alliteration, you know) but if we can find a hobbit, an elf, a dwarf and a wizard we can defeat the Dark Powers Mordor and successfully overturn FIFAs decision to admit the winner of the France v Ireland World Cup Play-Off to the finals in South Africa and loads of other stuff besides. You betcha we can.

Taoiseach, please leave us, let’s not be driven to murder.

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2 Responses to “The Emergency Pre Budget Statement”

  1. Dermot Carmody Says:

    Goodness, I just heard a rumour that Newstalk are a bit iffy about this statement. Can’t see why meself.

  2. uberVU - social comments Says:

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