Taoiseacheen: Tiny Lad’s British Visit Will Open Up “limitless and endless opportunities”

The President pictured earlier this year arriving at the Irish Embassy in Brazil

The President pictured earlier this year arriving at the Irish Embassy in Brazil

Taoiseacheen Edna Kenny (Mrs) briefly took Angela Merkel’s penis out of his mouth yesterday to gush effusively over the proposed official visit to Britain by poet and Uachtarín na hEireann Michael D. Minutivefellow.

Such an official visit to the UK by an Irish President would open up “limitless and endless opportunities” for Ireland said Mr Kenny, a qualified primary school teacher from Mayo.

“Furthermore in that vein and speaking of which na leanaí” he continued, “I am pleased to announce the imminent discovery of a viable dilithium crystal mine just outside Westport. This dilithium crystal mine will put Mayo and Ireland at the very forefront of operations for the Federation of Planets Transport and Fuel Programme 2019. This will prove once again that Ireland is the best small country in the world in which to conduct imaginary business.”

“But the limitless opportunities and possibilities don’t stop there páistí – we envisage a thin and competent Minister for Health by 2017, and heaters in every school prefab by 2036. To demonstrate. Now. If I take this orange and this pea, and the orange represents Jupit..er…no wait, the pea is Jupiter and the orange is the Sun…..ehhhh” Mr Kenny told his audience of increasingly uneasy journalists before concluding with an attempt to get everyone to join him in a chorus of “Buala Bas” while they tidied their things before the bell went.

Opponents of the visit are mainly pointing out the unnecessary cost to the exchequer of sending the President on a state visit anywhere. Officials at the Department of Foreign Affairs counter this by arguing that the President travels everywhere by standard post in a wee cardboard box with air holes punched in it filled with straw and sweeties.

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