Shattered Calls For “Universal Junior Ministerhood”

The Fine Gael spokesman on Cleverness and Legal Shit, Mr Alan Shattered TD, has called on the government to introduce Universal Junior Ministerhood in the Dail from May 1st.

“Cutting the number of Junior Ministers by 5 is is simply not clever enough,” he complained in a statement issued by his office in fourteen languages this afternoon. “This shows up the government’s inability to think laterally as well as the struggle they have with joined-up thinking, cognition and simple pattern-recognition in laboratory conditions.”

Mr. Shattered has instead proposed that from May 1st every member of Dail Eireann be made a Minister of State, regardless of whether they are members of the parties in government.

“This would provide a level playing field for all,” he enthused.

Asked whether this would not mean an even greater drain on public spending, Mr Shattered went “tut” and raised his eyes to heaven as though dealing with a small child or utter fool.

“No. No no no no no! What is it between your ears, chopped liver?” he rhetoricised. “At the same time as the introduction of Universal Junior Ministerhood the salaries for such position will be benchmarked in relation to the commission-only earnings of my nephew Leonard, an estate agent in Rathgar”.

In recent months this would have meant a net gain to the exchequer of €450,000 as Mr. Shattered’s nephew has on two occasions paid people to make an offer on a house in that time.

The Taoiseach, Mr. Cowlike, has called this radical sugestion “Stupid and Unconstructive, but strangely intriguing”.

Irish Times – FG Wants Junior Ministers Cut To Twelve 21/04/09

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