Shatter Pledges New Garda Powers

New recruit Garda Declan Manhattan

“Cé uaireadóirí an Faireoirí?”

Minister for Justice Alan Shatter has promised new powers for the gardaí, including independent flight, super strength and a limited roll out of infrared ray blasting visors “like in Holland”.

However, Mr Shatter failed to accede to demands for increased Garda numbers and said Government targets to reduce numbers to 13,000 benign mutant gardai would still provide for the same number of Supergardaí that were in the force in 2006.

Speaking at the Garda Representative Association annual conference in Westport this afternoon, Mr Shatter said the Government had also decided that Gardai would have other more mundane powers like catching murderers and developing the ability to switch off confiscated recording equipment.

The Mutant Garda Bureau of Fraud Investigation springing into action at a junction with broken lights

Mr Shatter also said what has a profound impact on public safety was “not a matter of numbers”. Rather, he said it was a matter of uncanny powers, super mega hyper intelligence and “shooting rays out of your eyes….as I said…like in Holland”.

He told the conference he would shortly publish new legislation on white collar crime “for those pesky bankers in their top secret High Street overground bunkers protected by missile arrays and radioactive sharks adapted to roaming the land. Like in Anglo”

In the meantime he said he had asked Garda Commissioner Xavier to ensure the Mutant Garda Bureau of Fraud Investigation had all the resources it needed, particularly an invisible plane and myriad otherworldly gardai for its investigations into banking matters. “Work undertaken by the bureau in this area is of vital public importance,” he said, disappearing in a puff of ether and rematerialising at the head of the queue in Rolys.

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