Schrödinger’s Taoiseach Brian Cowen Determined To Remain In Box With Unstable Isotope
Schrödinger’s Taoiseach Brian Cowen
Schrödinger’s Taoiseach Brian Cowen said this evening he intended to stay in the box which allows him to occupy a quantum physical state where he is both leader of Fianna Fail and not leader of Fianna Fail – this despite internal party disquiet over his personal popularity with the electorate, the party’s standing in the polls and the dangerous proximity of a decaying isotope linking a trigger mechanism and a small flask of hydrocyanic acid.
Mr Cowen insisted this evening it was in the best interests of the country and the party for him to remain in the box.
He said his Fianna Fáil parliamentary party would hold a secret ballot on Tuesday on a motion of whether or not to violently shake the box causing the flask of hydrocyanic acid to shatter regardless of the rate of subatomic decay on the trigger mechanism.
After two days of consultation with colleagues, Mr Cowen said he had come to the conclusion that stepping down would lead to confusion and loss of authority, chiefly his.
“As Schrödinger’s Taoiseach my total focus must remain with discharging my duties to the people,” he told a press briefing in Dublin this evening from inside his box.
In an effort to clear up confusion as to whether or not he is a humble, gracious, realistic man of integtrity as has been stated ad nauseum by pundits on the nation’s airwaves of late Mr Cowen clearly stated “I made no indication of resigning at any time as leader of the party,”
The Schrödinger’s Taoiseach accepted there was “an issue” over leadership but said that question should be resolved quickly if only people would stop focussing on pesky facts
Under normal Fianna Fáil party rules, a leader would only face a vote on the leadership if caught on YouTube in the bridal suite of the Four Seasons buried up to the pubic bone in a feral she-goat.
He said he wanted to dispense with procedures and put forward the motion himself for a vote when TDs and Senators at Tuesday’s parliamentary party meeting.
Concerns over the Schrödinger’s Taoiseach’s leadership came to a head in the last week after he was publicly grilled in the Dáil on Wednesday by Sinn Fein’s Kweeeeeveeeen O’Kwaaaaaylaaaawn on his contacts with former Anglo Irish Bank boss Sean FitzPatrick.
Under pressure, he revealed the names of two other business chiefs who joined him and Mr FitzPatrick for a post-golf match dinner in Druid’s Glen, Co Wicklow – Gary McGann, chief executive of Smurfit Kappa, who was a director of Anglo at the time, and Alan Gray, an economist appointed to the Central Bank board by Schrödinger’s Taoiseach .
But tonight he rejected that his Anglo contacts were at issue. “The issue here is not about that at all,” he said “..somewhere out there in the highlands of Punanastan, Lehmann Brothers are holed up laughing at us. Laughing”.
“All members of the parliamentary party acknowledge my good faith in relation to all of these issues. My standing in the party is not under question in any way.” Which is why we have been treated to a week of watching Fianna Fail play a very public game of ‘Pass-The-Poison-Chalice’.
One Minister of State, Seán Haughey, who spoke to Mr Cowen on Thursday, said the Taoiseach was not plotting to remain in office.
“I found him in a very philosophical humour, very genuinely open to discussion and debate,” he said. “He had got someone to deck out his box with some leftover fairy lights from christmas and he had laid on biscuits and a basket of free money for visiting TDs and Senators”
“I didn’t get the impression of a man who was sitting there in a box plotting to remain in power and not in power simultaneously.” Mr Haughey also said he told Mr Cowen he was not communicating with the electorate but that this may have been due to the muffling effect of two layers of heavy duty cardboard.
The minister said he got the impression Mr Cowen wanted to do what was best for the country and party. Unfortunately it seems that every time he goes into the room with the bottle of brandy and revolver he invariably drains the brandy and loses the revolver.
“If he thought it was in the interests of the party, I think he would consider stepping down,” he told RTÉ Radio today. Best interests of the party. The country can go and hang its bollix on the Five Lamps evidently.