Sacred Relics Commence Tour Of Ireland

The sacred eyeballs of Blessed Abernathy of Crete now touring Ireland

By Ludicrous Pile-O’Bollox our Religious Affairs Editor DATELINE DUBLIN 10/07/2010 – The miraculously preserved eyeballs of Saint Abernathy of Crete have arrived in the republic and are about to go on a whirlwind tour of parishes the length and breadth of the country.

The relics are believed to be the most holy part of the 13th century monk who allegedly died over an eighteen month period while attempting to eat an oak tree from the roots up as a mark of his devotion to god. Shortly after his death locals reported themselves to be entirely cured of having to associate with a tiresome tree eating zealot. Three years later he was declared a saint by Pope Zebedee the Egregious.

There are 18 closed orders of Abernathians in Ireland, six of them safe for minors to be near. A garda spokesbeing told The Emergency that the eyeballs will be escorted under armed guard at taxpayers’ expense “…in case satan or some muslims or jews try to rob them or something”.

The relics have been tested by Professor Fr Luciano Gullibili of the Osseratore di Scientifica de Vaticana in Rome who pronounced them to be genuine spiritually charged remains from St Abernathy. They have also tested positive as being two pebbles with eyes chalked onto them in ‘real world’ conditions.

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