Roads, Cabinet Ministers & Errors Of Judgement Reclassified

BEFORE
100kmh

AFTER
120kmh

Nearly 300km of dual carriageways on 10 national routes are to be reclassified as motorways from today; Taoiseach Brian Cowen is being reclassified as ‘Brilliant, Statesmanlike and Decisive’, Tainiste Swearymary Coughlan is to be known as ‘Dignified and Classy’, while Finance Minister Brian Lenihan has been redesignated ‘Einstein’.

At a press conference held at Government buildings to launch the new initiative, Einstein outlined in detail his determination to press ahead with a streamlined system for reassuring the markets. “The putative National Asset Management Agency (NAMA) will henceforth be referred to as The Fiscal Equivalent of The Second Coming of Our Lord And Saviour Jesus Christ King of Heaven And Earth Emperor of Peace Forever And Ever Amen (TFETSCOLASJCKHAEEPFAEA)” said Einstein; “It will be illegal to refer to this body as TFETSCOLASJCKHAEEPFAEA – it may only be spoken of as The Fiscal Equivalent of The Second Coming of Our Lord And Saviour Jesus Christ King of Heaven And Earth Emperor of Peace Forever And Ever Amen”.

The measures will increase speed limits on the roads to 120km/h and ban learner drivers, agricultural vehicles incapable of speeds in excess of 50km/h and small motorcycles with an engine capacity of 50cc or less. The redesignated cabinet ministers will receive a redesignation payment of €35,000 for ‘redesignation of title’ – and The Fiscal Equivalent of The Second Coming of Our Lord And Saviour Jesus Christ King of Heaven And Earth Emperor of Peace Forever And Ever Amen will ride us like a good ‘ole boy in the backwoods hollering “Squeal like a piggy!”.

BEFORE
Brian_Cowan_2
Taoiseach Brian Cowen

AFTER
Brian_Cowan_2
Brilliant, Statesmanlike and Decisive

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