O’Leary: Ryanair To Ditch Pilots On Short Haul Flights

Hilarious prankster and visionary businessman, Michael O’Leary has vowed to consider using no pilots on short haul flights.

“Pilots do feck all as it is,” claimed Mr O’Leary at the launch of a new hidden fee calculator on The Joe Dolan Bridge near Mullingar this morning. “By removing them from the flight deck we will be able to fit a further twelve passengers standing in the nose of the aircraft, which will enable us to offer even more low fare bargains”.

Michael O'Leary Unveils the Proposed Ryanair Ballymun - Stansted Catapult Service
Michael O’Leary Unveils the Proposed Ryanair Ballymun – Stansted Catapult Service

Mr O’Leary, who is an awful man altogether but great craic at the same time, went on to explain that with “modern calculators and stylophones” flying a plane is “a point and click affair that any gobdaw who can hold a mouse could do”. A special discount seat in the front of the plane would be allocated to a “decent looking passenger” who would be “in charge of pressing ‘start’ to get things going and of turning off the ignition at the end of the flight”. To qualify for the special “self-pilot” seat, passengers would undergo a vetting process when booking online. This would be in the form of a three point questionnaire, including such questions as:

  1. Do you have eyes?
  2. Do you have at least 30% of at least 50% of your hands which are capable of moderate gripping, pointing and pushing?
  3. Do you have any money?

Mr. O’Leary has conceded that long haul flights might require a pilot, if only to “weigh down the nose of the big bastards a bit”.

Mr. O’Leary has also confirmed that he is looking into the construction of a giant catapult on some waste-ground near Ballymun, which will be pointed in the general direction of Essex.

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