O’Donoghue Comes Clean: “I’m Not Going To Come Clean”

The Ceanncomhairle, Johnny “The Cash” O’Donoghue (aka “The Man In The Black”), has issued a statement spelling out in full the extent to which he will be spellling nothing out in full following recent disquiet at his enormous expenses while he was Minister For Playing, Painting And The Craic.

O’Donghue, pictured below “waving” to voters en route from his bedroom to a nearby en suite bathroom, has said that because of the need for the Ceanncomhairle to stay clear of political debate, he will not comment in detail on large sums of money incurred by him as expenses.

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In a letter to TDs which was delivered by gold-inlaid oiled messengerboy, inscribed on vellum, perched atop a velvet cushion and accompanied by a complimentary platinum ingot, Mr. O’Doghue did concede that some of the figures which have come to light could be seen as “taking the complete and utter piss” in that they were “exorbitant” and “too much”. However he pointed out that Ministers quite often had no idea of what expenditure of this sort was in detail.

“Quite often, I would have no idea that something involving me might be a bit expensive,” Mr. O’Donoghue explained during an early morning prosecco hot-tub conference on his lawn today. “For example I could be a car or jet or penthouse hotel suite in the caribbean and not have any idea at all that it was one of the expensive ones.  In fact it only recently came to light that most people ‘pay’ for ‘stuff’ themselves. Naturally if there has been any overspending on the part of my former department or the office of Ceanncomhairle, every effort will be made to regret them – possibly at a special symposium on regret to be held in Tuscany in the spring when the local wines are at their most sumptuous”.

Some of the expenses incurred by O’Doghue over the years include:

  • Stretch Limo on “Excessively nippy days”: €5 m.
  • First class air travel to and from essential government business such as “Going to hot places” and “Maintaining a national profile in the world of luxury hotels and other areas vital to the well-being of all Irish government ministers”: €45 m.
  • Underpants of finely meshed titanium:€1 bn.
  • Sundry pies and stationery: €5.4 bn.

The Ceanncomhairle cut short questioning at the end of the session to take delivery of a moat. He said he would be making no further comment as he felt “that I don’t have to and ye can’t make me”.

Meanwhile the Taoiseach has been quick to do feck all about anything.

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