Martin Cullen Has Plans – For Pity’s Sake Somebody, Anybody, STOP HIM!!!

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Minister Martin Cullen pictured at a recent Fianna Fail event proudly displaying his new iPhone “I beat them down to €7000 and made them throw in the case!”

A plan to move the Abbey Theatre to the GPO would cost about half of what moving to the docklands would have done, and will have the effect of rejuvenating O’Connell Street – a sound, money saving proposition, until you realise that there is a caveat: the pronouncement comes from the Minister for Arse All and Antics Martin Cullen.

Shrewd negotiator Martin Cullen was celebrating his recent purchase of a packet of Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles for €87,000 with an espresso from Cafe Sól “I got it for €580! With a free biscotti!”. Minister Cullen said he planned to take a decision on whether to move the Abbey Theatre to O’Connell Street soon, and estimates that relocating it in time for 2016 would cost €80 to €90 million, much less than the €170 million expected cost of relocation to George’s Dock. The proposed docklands move has been frozen due to the recession which suddenly and unexpectedly fell to earth with no warning last year.

Mr Cullen said he had received an approach “out of the blue” about a year ago from an unnamed “very good international architect” who has “worked with theatres”. who had undertaken research on “how best” to move the Abbey to the GPO.

Later that same day Minister Cullen received a delegation of “tailors” from “far away” who had a “special material” and “magic thread” which allowed them to “make fine clothes” visible only to “the very very clever”.

The architect meanwhile had taken the theatre’s specifications, did “a huge amount of research”, and made a model “So I know it works,” said Mr Cullen “I saw it all and it’s fantastic….look” at which point he showed reporters some plans but only if they “swore on granny’s back” not to draw on them.
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Minister Cullen’s plans for the Abbey

Asked whose idea moving the Abbey to the GPO was, Mr Cullen said: “It kind of came mutually . . . We were talking about it and kicking it around” The Architect said “That’s a fascinating idea” and that he “had it” in the back of his “own mind” as well, but Mr Cullen said, “Will the thing work?” and the architect took out a magic loom before he said, “Leave it with me”. After that, they grew “tired and sleepy” and went for a “lie down” before taking “the heli” off to dinner in “far away land”

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