“Lowry Did No Wrong” – Lowry
The TD for Tipperary North and Offaly South, Mr. Michael Lowry stoutly defended himself in the Dail yesterday against the accusations levelled at him by the report of the Moriarty Tribunal.
From the start of his seven-hour-long speech, Mr. Lowry came out fighting:
“As sure as my name is Rumplestiltskin, I have done no wrong”, he explained. “The Moriarty Tribunal Report is all lies. I have done no wrong. The Phoenix Park is carpeted in golden cuckoo spit and I will be shown to have been honest from the day my mother found me under a gooseberry bush to the day when the people of my planet eventually come to bring me to the Home World”.
Lowry denied the central allegation of Moriarty in no uncertain terms:
“I did not engage in any wrongdoing in relation to the awarding of the second mobile phone licence. Anyone who knows me and who is called ‘Lowry’ will tell you that. If they know what’s good for them”.
He also denied receiving any payments from Denis O’Brien:
“I received no payments or benefits from Mr O’Brien in relation to the second mobile phone licence. Those who cynically and spuriously equate the handing over of cash as a ‘payment’ will rot in a dreadful hell, which Ben Dunne is currently building for me in the form of a replica of the original Whitehouse just outside Nenagh”.
Three children were born in the chamber and a species of woodlouse became extinct over the duration of Mr. Lowry’s speech.
Mr. Lowry also vowed he would now “take a short time to myself to rest my mind, heal my body and renew my spirit”. Accordingly Mr. Lowry, also a self-professed timelord, is scheduled to regenerate and turn into a different and even less popular actor next Tuesday.