Lenihan Whistles Past Graveyard

Minister for Staring Through Rose Tinted Glasses Brian Lenihan

Minister for Staring Through Rose Tinted Glasses Brian Lenihan has attempted to calm fears about the recent surge in the cost of Irish borrowing, underlining “…[the] remarkable turnaround in the Irish economy over the past year and isn’t the weather only massive?”

He told a conference on treating citizens like infants held in Dublin that while the economy had lost a leg, the limp wouldn’t be so pronounced when the other gangrenous limb was torn off; and it was important that the full picture and the underlying trends were reported.

“Exports are growing. Katy Taylor beat Mike Tyson and Prince Naseem. New order books are expanding and business confidence has improved markedly since last year. The Beatles have got back together and will play daily free concerts at the Papal Cross in Phoenix Park. Tax revenues are stabilising, the average Irish family now owns not one but three state of the art helicopters. Public expenditure is under control and our budget deficit will shrink next year; People from Cork have spontaneously developed gold producing glands under their left arms” he said.

He warned, however, that neither the international markets nor our European Union partners would tolerate a slippage from the stated budget targets. “Tough decisions” he stated, staring emphatically like a man trying to hypnotise chickens.

Mr Lenihan said he recognised and understood the anger felt by the public about what had happened over the last three years. Pausing to rearrange his features from ‘stare’ to ‘feigned empathy’ the Minister said: “That anger has been well articulated by commentators who genuinely and rightly believe they have a role in giving voice to the frustrations of the citizens. But those of us in positions of leadership have a duty to give people hope, before ramming a bargepole up them” he added.

The Minister said the recent surge in borrowing costs for some countries suggested there was a concerted attack on euro zone nations “We suspect it may be those pesky Lehmans again. Grrrrrrr! Curse you pesky Lehmans!” he said shaking his fist at nothing in particular.

He said the Irish Government “will do everything that is essential to protect our gig and our friends”.

In other news, standing on a 20 foot pile of some of his money, former EU commissioner and attorney general Peter Sutherland, now a non-executive chairman of Goldman Sachs International, said the Government may need to cut more than €3 billion in next year’s budget.

(Irish borrowing costs hit a new high of 6.546 per cent yesterday and have been rising for the last month. The extra yield investors demand to hold Irish bonds over German bonds has surged to record highs due to investor concern about the State’s ability to manage its budget deficit and the bank bailout. [source:Irish Times])

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