Labour Shock – Gilmore Categorically Rules Out Coalition With MaFFia

LABOUR LEADER Eamon Gilmore has categorically ruled out “running with scissors” after the next general election.

Mr Gilmore also emphatically rejected any thoughts of taking a shower or bath while holding a four bar electric fire attached to the mains.

Speaking to reporters in advance of his party’s parliamentary party meeting in Faithlegg, Co Waterford, yesterday, Mr Gilmore said he and his party had no plans to jump off a tall building, “…even if bigger, cooler boys” did it first.

“I have made it clear that the Labour Party will not be up to putting thumbtacks in their porridge after the next election. We will not be putting marbles or crayons up our noses. I made it clear that putting small or sharp objects into any orifice is right out,” he said.

In his opening address to his party’s TDs and Senators, Mr Gilmore also held out the possibility that Labour could be the “sensiblest” party after the next election and in a position to form a government as long as there is no dangerous horseplay or ingestion of household bleach or battery acid. “We are also in the midst of a major sea change in Irish politics.

“This time last year, I challenged the notion that the essential choice in Ireland must always be between standing in the middle of the Stillorgan dual carriageway and grating your leg off with a Lancashire peeler.

“I said that the Labour Party should and could develop as the third option,” he said.

He cited the fact that in the local and European elections, the party won a quarter of the seats in the European Parliament and had increased its representation in local government by a third. This against the backdrop of not sticking pointy things in their ears or using superglue as a facial wash.

Mr Gilmore told the meeting the party would give the country what he described as a “fresh start” instead of instantly running off to do a bungee jump off Clerys with a 2700 foot rope.

“It is not enough just to think and talk about safety: we must communicate our vision as to what it is for.”

He said the party needed to set out strategies on the economy, on reforming the public services and on not dousing itself in kerosene and scratching it’s arse with a Zippo.

Fianna Fail were busy playing with switchblades and smoking behind the €3billion Leinster House bicycle shed and were unavailable for comment – although several government backbenchers did threaten to throw Mr Gilmore’s satchel “…up into a tree” if he didn’t stop “…being such a fecking lick”

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Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore

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