Kenny: Patients Must Learn To Be Sick Within Budget

Acting Taoiseach and de facto leader of Fine Gael and “Ireland”, Enda Kenny, has strongly defended health cuts in the recent budget.

SICK SHOULDERS

“Now is a time for all of us, sick and well, to put our shoulders to the wheel, unless affected by a shoulder-related ailment, in which case an elbow or arse would be acceptable. I can never remember which of those is which,” the Acting Taoiseach admitted at a press breakfast of larks’ tongues and Reddy Brek earlier today.

Enda Kenny Backing James Reilly

Enda Kenny Backing James Reilly

LOVEABLE

Fine Gael and its loveable coalition fall-guy, Labour, are soon to unveil a Universal Health Insurance scheme which would see up to 100% of
their friends and family securely located between “grand” and “mighty” on the new HSE “How’re Ye Doin’?” scale of wellfullness.

The Fianna Fail leader, Micheal Martin, who is uniquely qualified to heckle as he is himself a former Health Supremo, had accused the government of failing to place patients at the centre of its health policies. But Mr. Kenny strongly rebutted this claim in an impassioned speech read adroitley from notes on the inside of his underpants.

TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR ILLNESS

“This is the most patient-centred health policy ever,” he explained to bemused onlookers. “In fact all power, by which I mean responsibility , will henceforth rest with the patient, who will simply have to tailor their affliction to the needs of my government. For too long we have spoon-fed the ill with medication and care, when all they really need is to take ownership of their illness and, following consultation with the relevant stakeholders, get well, or get lost”.

DIE

The Taoiseach explained that the government has no intention of cutting services, merely of cutting the cost of those services by not having them. In that case the onus would again fall onto the patient to spread out their illness over a 25 year period, or, where appropriate, die.

Hospital chiefs have universally declared it will be impossible to run their hospitals with the cuts being made. However, Mr. Kenny explained that this problem could be circumvented simply by hospital chiefs saying something different.

KEANE

Roy Keane is on standby.

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