Judges To Shatter: Pay Cut Would Damage Pay

Senior judges have warned the Government that cutting their pay would damage the reputation of the judiciary in Ireland worldwide and also make it harder to be rich.

Justice William “Wonga” O’Toole criticised the refusal of Minister For Justice, Alan “Shakespeare” Shatter to allow an independent review of judicial salaries. “To cut our pay as if we were public servants sends out the wrong signals to society, to the world and to my golf club,” he foamed gently to The Emergency earlier today. “Article 35.5 of the constitution prohibits a reduction in our pay for a good reason. That reason is that lowering our pay will seriously damage the amount of money we get. This would make us a laughing stock among the criminal classes, who are not subject themselves to any such downward review by Mr. Shatter and his cadré of uncouth corner boys at the Department of Justice”.


In a memorandum tattooed in gold on the skin of a unicorn and sent to the Government, the judges point out that, while they understand the grave situation the economy of the country is in, the Government must think again if it thinks it can stick it to the judges. “Let’s just say a minor parking offence in Merrion Square can be ramped up into a drug trafficking and fraud charge in the right pair of skilled, irritated judicial hands”, it says and goes on to conclude: “We know where you live and where your shit is at, you dig?”

The memorandum makes no direct reference to cutting the pay of kitchen porters at the weekend, but Justice O’Toole has confirmed they couldn’t give a flying feck about it as the plight of low paid workers is not a constitutional issue and hardly ever comes up at Masonic port, brie and tickling events.

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