Ireland Saved, Transport Minister Returns With True FF Grit

Transport Supremo Noel Dempsey

Pocket Frankenstein lookalike and transport minister Noel Dempsey, returning from sunkissed Malta, has all but admitted that the Government’s response to the freezing weather has so far been pathetic.

“It wosh far from perfect. Lesshons will have to be learned,” a tanned Mr Dempsey told reporters. “More grantsh will have to made to the right kind of people allowing them to retrain their now uselessh development shites to learn how to become grit”

Environment Minister, John Gormless, dubbed ‘Minister for Snow’, even though he would prefer the name ‘Supergreen’, had stirred up a hornet’s nest earlier in the week when he made the startling admission that he did not know where the transport minister was. “I believe he is on some vacation, but I don’t know where – you would be better off asking Mary Hanafin as she has some experience as a substitute geography teacher” he said. Mr Gormless also went out of his way to emphasise that it was Mr Dempsey who was responsible for dealing with the weather crisis.

Facing journalists on his return however, Mr Dempsey denied this and further stated: “Hey! I’m down here! If John Gormley needed to discussh anything with me, he had my mobile phone number.” Asked if he felt the government’s response to dealing with the crisis had been adequate he said “..lesshons will have to be learned”. He expressed his belief that some local authorities were stockpiling grit supplies, which it turned out they did not need, while others who needed more had run out. This should be measured against his other known stated beliefs, which include the existance of Jesus, Lord God on Highest, and the honesty of Bertie Ahern.

Mr Dempsey is claiming that he did try to cut short his holiday and return early to patronise the electorate, but that he was hampered by flight delays. Since it has emerged that he had attempted to fly home using the services of Ryanair, an alleged airline, there may be some truth to his story. Several hundred people have been left stranded and without any information by the ‘No Planes Airline’ over the past few days. There has so far been no comment on this from Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary, but commentators are expecting soothing and compassionate comments to come from that quarter before long.

Ryanair creature Michael O’Leary

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