Hopes Fading For Missing Rental Bikes

The shocking scene which greeted commuters in Dublin city centre this morning (photo-AP.Reuters)

Hope is fading fast for the fate of the three bicycles missing from the new JC Decaux Dublin City Bike Rental Scheme – one bike has been reported stolen, and two more have not been returned, Dublin City Council has said.

A spokesman for the council said the bike was stolen while locked to a lamppost over the weekend, however he refused to speculate that the bike is not stolen, but possibly hidden by Lisbon Treaty campaign posters; “I refuse to speculate on that” he said. “These are the first remotely serious incidents that have happened since the launch earlier this month,” the spokesman said. Asked why he felt that the launch earlier this month was a remotely serious incident, he looked mildly confused and went away.

The two other missing bikes were hired on a 72 hour ticket – as they however were not returned within the 24 hour timeframe as required, they are presumed to have been kidnapped or possibly even eaten. Both sides in the Lisbon Treaty debate have blamed the other for the loss.

Coir has released a statement that in a post-ratification Europe the missing bikes would not be safe from lower rental rates or the strong possibility that they would be ridden by Protestants, homosexuals, all class of liberals, sexually active single women and English people.

Peeking out through a tiny wee crack of an opening in the doorway to his darkened office, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen moved to reassure voters that their bikes would be safer under the Lisbon Treaty; while business mogul Bill Cullen had an enormous weep on the Pat Kenny show when he remembered the frightful conditions of bicycles in Dublin in the 1950s “Some of them had no tyres….no tyres Pat” he sobbed before being helped out of the studio by contestants from TV3’s The Apprentice (two of whom failed to ‘cup’ Bill correctly and will be sure to face the chop next time they’re in the boardroom).

Neither Declan Ganley or Michael O’Leary have commented on the loss of the three bicycles, but they are believed to be preparing statements on the matter for their nightly round of insulting eachother on the radio and television.

A spokesman for the Lisbon Treaty Referendum Commission has expressed his regret that this incident should be marring the Lisbon Treaty “This is only the second year of this annual event and for this to happen it is truly heartbreaking”. He did promise an even better time at next year’s Lisbon Treaty event, hinting that there may even be free face painting for the elderly and a “Parent and/or Guardian’s Little Helper” free valium scheme.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen speaking to reporters this morning

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