Guest Columnist Kevin Everett Writes: “Is It Because I Is White?”

Now, I’ve never made jokes about rape (and not just because I can’t make jokes), but it’s abundantly clear to anyone looking even half imperiously down their aquiline nose that the remarks made by the Corrib Gardai were meant to remain private. Indeed there is an excellent case for calling such remarks “fairy cakes” or “fluffy gizmos”.

The three man were clearly just using these fairy cakes to deal with immense stress they are under because they are dealing with people whom they think are foreigners. Jesus Christ, PC Ireland: Foreigners. have you no heart? Is a man to be hung for a simple fluffy gizmo?


Humourous White Male Heterosexual irish Columnist, Kevin Everett.

Now it turns out that these women, the subjects (Oh, sorry, PC Ireland: “Objects”) of the fairy cakes made by these Gardai, were in fact from Dublin 4. In the eyes of some that makes them “not foreign”. Well, we shall see, come the Day of Judgement.

I’d also like to make a popular culture reference by comparing their argot to the rather dippy (and also, I might add, foreign and female) character from the American situation comedy televisual offering “Friends”. However, I don’t really know where I’m going with it and I’ve searched for a recent episode but it doesn’t even seem to have hit mainstream Irish culture yet. So I’m just going to leave this paragraph hanging here to further puzzle the bejesus out of you.

This is a very complex issue. Should officers be forced to speak without reference to “rape” when on duty? Clearly that’s political correctness gone mad. And what of David Norris? What the f*ck are you doing about him? Why does he have all the fun? Am I to be court-martialled for making a joke about Jackie Healy Rae? You betcha I’m not. And why? Because the bastard Royal Irish Regiment still refuse to offer me a commission. Hmph.

Once people raise issues like “human rights”, “respect”, “inclusivity”, “ethnicity”, “multicultural”, “racism”, “diversity” it’s but a small step to the rounding up of white heterosexual males into fenced areas without even a moderately priced bottle of port provided. Is it for this Shergar died?

I saw a comedy programme last night on the televisual wireless receiver, in which a young black foreign lady comediean mercilessly lampponed a white heterosexual man. Would this have happened if it were a white chap lampooning a black foreign person? I have no idea. I’ve just seen the one televisual programme. But I guarantee you that the answer would utterly vindicate whatever it is I am about to write in the next paragraph. Don’t ask me what that will be. You can no more reign in my paragraphs than break my white heterosexual middleclass spirit. Although I am a bit upset about the port.

The Holocaust and Islamic Beheadings are bad. And yet I have laughed at both of them. Laughed like demonic drain. Does this make me a criminal under the New Moral Order? Again, I’ve utterly lost the run of what I’m at so I’ll ditch this paragraph and scamper pell mell towards the onrushing nirvana of the required word count with another para.

Finally… there that should do it.

*Sends copy and opens port*

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