Government Denies Threat To Emigration From Volcano

The Acting Minister for Ennui, Torpor & Unemployment, Batt “Bat” O’Keeffe has strongly denied allegations that the grounding of planes across Europe, including all Irish airports will halt government initiatives to ship out excess people from the economy.

“Emigration is still on target and we expect to have the veins of the economy reopened with the lifeblood flowing out of them by next weekend,” the minister enthused whilst holidaying in a lay-by this weekend.

Jimmy "The Bird" O'Toole
Jimmy “The Bird” O’Toole Attempts To Emigrate Earlier Today

A main plank of the government’s plan to combat unemployment is for everyone to leave, but due to the cloud of volcanic ash emanating from the currently erupting volcano in Iceland, the population of Ireland is effectively stranded for the most part.

“Anyone who thinks a lack of flights will dim the ardour of the committed ship-leaving rodents who are the Irish people is underestimating the guile and cunning, not to mention the desperation of these fine Irish men and women,” explained Mr. O’Keefe. “Many of them are strong swimmers and indeed there are still potential emigrees who remember the old days when you had to rely on your own resources to get a flight out of Ireland”.

One such hero, Jimmy “The Bird” O’Toole was this morning preparing to be the first person to fly out of Ireland since the cloud crisis. Sitting astride his modified bike, Mr. O’Toole was in defiant mood, saying:  “I’m not going to be put off by a pall of doom enveloping northern Europe. I’m well used to that, sure amn’t I from Mullingar?”

Others who are undaunted by the current crisis are also attempting to counteract the current difficulties with a variety of approaches including swimming to Newfoundland, tunneling, building a human pyramid and falling over and talking to Joe.  A radical plan to “give Connaught back to England” has so far failed to gain momentum.

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