Gaybo Presidential Campaign In Turmoil After Pat Kenny Opens Big Gob

Gay Byrne’s possible bid to become President of Ireland is in turmoil as his RTE colleague Pat Kenny accused him of “dragging Ireland into the 20th century”. It is believed that Kenny was hinting at a plot involving Byrne and others to drag Ireland back to the 20th Century and keep it there. Some analysts believe that this may only be a staging post for an ultimate effort to place Ireland once again in the 19th Century.


A recent newspaper poll showed that 97% of people asked said they would prefer Gay Byrne to be President rather than prolonging an unwanted phone-call from a pollster asking random questions about stuff. But Mr. Kenny also vowed to mangle Mr. Byrne on his popular children’s entertainment programme “The Frontline” should his old buddy be in the race for the Áras. Speaking to The Irish Independent, Kenny said he would show no mercy to the septugenarian broadacster and did not explicitly rule out water-boarding or the kidnapping of influential personalities. “He’ll be good at avoiding questions, but I’ve been waiting for this for a long, long, long, long time”, Kenny quipped.

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Meanwhile, Mr. Byrne, who invented sex in Ireland in the 1960s but has recently curtailed it by persistently interviewing Daniel O’Donnell, is said to be consulting close friends. He will then make a decision on whether or not to run. However, Byrne has stressed that he will not be leaving any of his broadcasting jobs as long as he still drew breath. “I think my record in that regard speaks for itself”, he understated.


Mr. Byrne has already said he would run for the Áras if there were a public clamour for him to do so. The Emergency believes a number of private clamours are holding talks on whether or not to go public. Meanwhile Gardaí were last night called to a suspected clamour last night in Howth, near Mr. Byrne’s North Dublin residence. However a spokesgarda, Sgt. Labhras O’Toole, has now confirmed that the possible clamour was “at most a ruckus and most likely a cat”.

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