Former Fás Director General “Attempted To Buy Rio Ferdinand”

A report to be published later today by the Witchfinder, Comptroller and Auditor General is expected to reveal the full extent of extravagant use of State funds by former Fás head Spendy Molloy – an in depth study of budgets under Mr Molloy’s stewardship reveals that he was only days away from purchasing Manchester United centre back Rio Ferdinand for stg£37million when he was shamed into resigning over the scandal caused by misuse of taxpayers’ money.

“Molloy had had his eye on that Ferdinand fellah for a long time” an anonymous in depth mole at the troubled State training & employment agency told our reporter. “Molloy wanted him in to run errands like; make the tea now and then, y’know?” he said. As a reciprocal arrangement for the Man Utd star, Ferdinand was to have been allowed first choice of available snack on a friday, and every second wednesday off.

Our anonymous source is believed to have been implicated in the fraudulent misuse of photocopiers perpetrated by former Fás ‘photocopying guy’ Fiachra O’Diondain who racked up a personal fortune producing full print runs of the London Evening Standard as an overrun facility when that paper needed extra editions. O’Diondain then couriered the finished product first class to England by Sikorski helicopter in a cargo container marked ‘Students – For Export Only- Do Not Feed’. This production was made possible with the agency’s paper, toner, photocopiers and sellotape. Needless to say, Fás also picked up the tab for the courier to London.

Our source, who has been allowed to remain in their position thanks to their cooperation with the ongoing investigation into overspending at Fás assures us that they are not Fiachra O’Diondain trying to curry favour by hanging a bigger fish than himself out to dry. Whoever he or she is, however, did send us 473,000 copies of their invoice for participating in an interview.

Spendy Molloy meanwhile can expect a full and harsh punishment. He will be publicly admonished in a half hearted fashion, and faces a very strong possibility that someone with a very serious expression may shake their head sadly while looking at him.

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