Fianna Fail Local Government Candidates Shun Doorstep

Reports from around the country indicate an unwillingness on the part of Fianna Fail candidates in the forthcoming local elections to call to the door.


Voters in Mullingar have been dismayed at the lack of post since local councillor and mailman Batty Dolan stopped delivering recently having been bitten on three separate occasions on his mail route. On the final occasion the property owner’s rotweiller had to pull it’s owner Mrs. Brenda O’Toole forcibly out of Councilor Dolan’s left arse cheek.

Meanwhile in Galway there has been a similar lack of presence on the doorstep of the main party in Government. Says housewife and goat impresario Madeleine Horsht: “Not on single Fianna Fail candidate has called to my door. Mind you I found three looking in the window at the goats last Thursday evening”.

In Cork, Fianna Fail candidate Bobby Coughlan is so terrified of being blamed on the doorstep for the recession and the mismanagement of the country by the government, that he has even stopped using his own doorstep. “Tis terrible, ” he confirmed to 2irish News and The Emergency earlier today. “At first I tried to avoid the doorstep itself, and only egressed by means of self-defenestration. The the langers started staking out my windows and i was forced to tunnell my way around neighbourhoods, canvassing by whispering voting suggestions through the water systems of North Cork estates.

“Now I’m confining myself to staying in a corner of my bedroom clasping my arms round my knees in a foetal position on the floor and muttering to myself. In fairness, that seems to be generally well received, particularly by my cat who has almost completely given up sharpening his claws on me as I do it.”

Candidates have also begged sitting Fianna Fail TDs not to help them on the canvassing trail, although councilors in Offaly did recently agree to a walkabout with Taoiseach Brian Cowlike on condition they were all allowed to wear “I’m Not With That Arse” T-shirts.

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