EU President Elected (Without Any Need For Stupid Ould Voters)

EU President Van Rompuy
Herman Van Rompuy being congratulated last night after being crowned ‘Miss President of Europe’

EU Leaders named Belgian Prime Minister Herman Van Rompuy as the Union’s first president last night and appointed British Trade Commissioner Catherine Ashton as its foreign affairs chief.

Consensus was reached at a glittering gala summit in Brussels after Britain dropped its insistence that former British prime minister, war criminal and Middle East Hypocrite Envoy Tony Bliar should become president, ending weeks of deadlock and opening the way to agreement on the deliciously grey and anonymous Mr Van Rompuy.

The appointments are intended to bolster the EU’s standing and help it match the rise of emerging powers such as China following the global economic crisis. Apart from the appointment of Ms Ashton, and in an additional concession to the British, EU Leaders chose Mr Van Rompuy deliberately so that Fleet Street tabloid headline writers would have an opportunity to create zingers like “Rompuy Pumpy!!! EU’s Belgian Boss Bonks in Brussells Lovenest!!!” and “No Way Rompay! Battle of the Belge Hots Up!!! (Cor! pictures pages 3, centre spread!!!)”

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