Enda Kenny Warns Of Need For “1000 Year Gaelsreich”

The absolutely undisputed leader of Fine Gael, a loose affiliation of people not in Fianna Fail, has said that the party is on a war footing and has warned Ireland that he will require a 1000 Year Reign to sort out the economy.

Mr. Kenny, on sabbatical from his job as a teacher, has said that Fine Gael has the policies to turn the country around. “We are fitting a large rudder to Malin Head and will begin work on a tiller in the first century of our term in government”, he screeched to a news briefing held in a disused country yesterday.

Kenny said that Fine Gael will not raise taxes. “What need will there be for taxes in the context of a millennium of de facto serfdom to our friends in the IMF”, he was heard to mutter in an aside to the Fine Gael Cat, Cosgrave, which sat on his lap purring unblinkingly throughout the briefing.

Fine Gael Leader Enda Kenny with the FG Cat, Cosgrave
Fine Gael’s Most Leader-like Member, Enda Kenny With The FG Cat, Cosgrave (Soon To Be Confirmed As A Candidate For Fine Gael in the next general election).

Mr Kenny greatly impressed all present by promising to introduce water charges, probably around year 650 of the 1000 Year Gaelsreich, by which time he anticipated there would be water meters in place. “People have been drinking water irresponsibly for too long. We all got carried away during the era of the Celtic Tiger when it seemed that having water was tantamount to a human right. Well, those days are over, baby”, foamed Mr Kenny from the mouth.

The Fine Gael Überpübah, said his party would propose €3 billion in cuts ahead of the forthcoming budget. These, he claimed would be made without raising taxes. He declined to give details of where the cuts would be made, but did mutter darkly that they had “had it very good for a long time in places like Limerick and Castlepollard” and that “not every population centre will be strong, beautiful or fit enough to survive the 1000 Year Ascent To Greatness”.

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