Emergency On Sunday Closes

The Emergency On Sunday is to close. This Sunday’s edition of the paper, which has been on newsstands for a thousand and three years, will be the last one. There will be no advertising in the final edition. The extra space will be occupied by extra breasts and a list of Premiership footballers who have not used prostitutes. Mostly extra breasts.

Owner of Emergency International, Dev O’Murdoch, is currently attempting to buy the rights to human vision worldwide. It’s thought that recent allegations that Emergency On Sunday hacks “earwigged” on conversations in the jacks in Toner’s pun and had become involved in “copying their homework” posed a threat to O’Murdoch’s proposed takeover of all known eyes. The crisis escalated recenty when it emerged that on at least a million occasions editorially sanctioned making-shit-up had occurred.

Former Emergency On Sunday editor Rebeckah Ní Brooks had tears in her eyes as she broke the news of the paper’s demise to staff. An earpiece through which the conversations of four hundred celebrities were being relayed to her was later removed and thereafter she was reportedly “grand” and “wealthy”.

A new publication “The Emergency On The Day After Saturday” will launch next week, price 2/6.

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